friday nights.

all day, there is this hint of anticipation...just to know we'll be together later in the evening.
arrival time is not mandatory, come when you can, you are welcome.
such different age groups, faces and past experiances gather around the different sizes of food to be quiet, for just a moment, and be thankful.
people scatter in many different rooms, somehow still being in the same sphere and mindset. playing games, eating food and talking.
the conversation carries on about serious, important things involving fasting, women's place in the church and forgiveness. shortly these conversations evolve into fits of laughter, about silliness, pictures or something funny someone said or did.
joy is brought here.
as the night moves on, people dwindle out and the core people remain.
my personal favorite time of the evenings.
laying on carpets and couches, we discuss things that make us smile, and take us back to when life wasn't so complex and baffeling; even though at the time we thought it was.
we talk about books, clothes, toes and music.
doors get opened, then get shut, attempting to blance out the heat level in the room for the many bodies all crammed in one room.
jokes get told, three different conversations happen at once, at least.
love surrounds us like a blanket.
the bantering continues, everyone talking everyone. like being with extended family who spend a large amount of time together. group discussions to one-on-one in a matter of minutes. juice gets spilled. clean up as we go.
sooner than later, the men that we respect and look up to call it a night and the mass amounts of giving hugs begin.

many people my age would much rather be out, partying, dressing up, going to the movies, spending time with significant others and trying to be much older than we should really have to be.
but I choose this.
being with people who are like my parents, older siblings, younger siblings...learning more about manners and when to speak and when to listen every time. this is the church, I believe this is what we were made for.
it's beautiful and rare and I am in love with it.

place.

The sun is out. The world is waking up from the slumber of snow and slush.
Possibly not quite yet, it is Cleveland and we will have snow through April, I'm sure of that.
Change is lingering in the air...peering down on us waiting to leap and yell "Suprise! You didn't see that coming did you?"

It's always an interesting thing when change comes for me. Especially if it's only one part of my life undergoing change. If change comes, I like to take it all at once instead of one by one. I know...a little strange but, that's me. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed...but it will all get sorted out some way some how, eventually.
Again, not much is actually changing.
My school is not changing for a while, my family isn't changing, my house is not changing, my friends [are changing but not leaving me or anything lol] are not changing. I know what I do on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday aren't changing.
The change lies in an element of my life I tend to wheep over and turn my back on the next week. But even more so in the kids that love this part of my life that has been present since I was eight-years-old. My neighborhood, our ministry, Kingslove, the River.
Three weeks ago or so, God put on my heart to start the 40-day fast that a bunch of the kids who usually do Kingslove are doing specifically for our neighborhood. The last day of the fast ends on the first day we will be doing a Spring Kingslove weekend.
I was driving home from C-HOP on a Thursday and I was praying about really specific things and once I turned onto my street I felt this very strong push to drive around the neighborhood and pray. I was praying against all the negativity in my heart and pleading with God that He would show me how to turn and love these people again.
Living here for 13 years has done major damage on my heart, in good and bad ways.

Learning to trust people is very difficult, Christian and non-Christian people who have come in and out. Watching my parents struggle with lack of committment or honesty has torn me up inside.
However.
Some of my greatest moments have been spent watching the little girls understand a dance move. Or singing with them at the piano in my living room. Holding them while we read to them. Giving hugs to people I've never met before. Buying cookies from the Cookie Lady, Timika. Watching people come and serve alongside us and have their lives be changed before my very eyes.
It's so hard, but so good. BUT so hard to alway remember the good.

Hmm so, the change.
I won't be able to do Spring Kingslove except for Thursday and Friday night because of work and school; and just as I have always prayed and hoped for, people are stepping up and rising to the occasion. It's the most beautiful, yet somehow scary thing for me. It makes me wonder where my place is. It makes me want to check out totally and not give imput or even pray about it. Even though my heart is engaged for it. I begin to believe the lie that there is nothing here for me and that I have nothing of worth to give.
Such a lie. I need to be reminded of this almost daily.
Because it's not about me and what I have to give. It's about where God's placed me and how humble I need to be in serving people for Him.
I know it all in my heart, when I choose to awaken that part of it and respond to Him. But my head can disengage and focus on other things going on...forgetting where I live and where God has placed me.

This is my current challenge and hurdle. I can't close my eyes and forget. I don't know what kind of life God has for me, but I know how He has grown me up. I cannot let bitterness, anger, frusteration and hopelessness consume me.

resolve.

I have resolved to give God everything I have. And let Him do what He wants with it.
Reguardless of circumstance, how I feel, the people around me, how tests go.
I will do my best, not slack off. Be honest, not gossip. Respect, not manipulate.
I resolve to rely on His mercy and grace and not be wrapped up in what I think should be done.


Some definitions on resolve:

-to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)
-to clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.)
-a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.
-firmness of purpose or intent; determination.

Bible example:
1 Corinthians 2:2-5

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

This word has been ringing around in my head for about a week now. I found this verse in 1 Corinthians 2:2-5 that really hit home with me for a number of reasons. I was flipping through my Bible finding the word and I found this verse. I read it five times to try to figure out the full meaning. Basically Paul is saying "I know nothing more than who Jesus is". That he is not a mighty man, it's not his words they're Jesus'. And our power is in Jesus.
That put's so much rest on my heart. Knowing that I don't need to know it all, or always feel up to the challenge to share with people or be with them.

That God wants to work through me reguardless.
And I am not worthless in His eyes.
Based on that...
My resolve is not to give up and say I can't do anything. It is to press through and say I have a purpose. Because He loves me.
It's so beautiful and it changes my entire perspective on who I am.
I can't believe how His love continues to help me every single day.
It's amazing, steady and unchanging.
Forever and always.
I love Him because He first loved me.
He loves me reguardless.
That is my resolve.