two worlds: dreamer & doer

Dreams. Hopes. Plans. Busy. Time. Work. I'm hoping by the end of that you were cringing, because I know I was. I feel often that those are the components of my being and that line up is the order I would love for them to be truly lined up in. However, as many of you have experienced in the world of grown-ups, as have I, the order is usually the opposite of above and by the time you get to the dreaming portion of your day...well, you're asleep or about to be. My father is the greatest example of a dreamer in my life. He dreams big and remains hopeful until proven utterly undo-able, and then still holds out for God to work. He believes in people, has faith for them to run to Jesus even when everyone else has given up on them. When I was 8 years old he bought a crack house in Cleveland on the edge of a government housing project, gutted the entire house and raised a family there. Not to mention the countless amounts of missionaries & God-lovers they have housed for all different periods of time and the amount of ministry that has happened in all 3 of our living rooms -- because of they're availability to God. Because of his dreams, and actions on those dreams, so many people's lives have been touched by Jesus. I will tell anyone my family is crazy, because, let's face it, they are :) but I've never met anyone who loves more like Jesus does than my Dad. Needless to say, but I will, being a dreamer is in my blood. Over the past 3 years or so, my life has had to come to an incredible halt and the discipline of learning multiple facts for hours and hours took the place of all different levels of free time. Plus I met the love of my life, a true dream fulfilled. Now I have entered into a season where free time is making it's way back...and I've been struggling. The once free spirited girl who literally had no worries, not to much structure now has a "big girl" job, husband, bills, is used to agendas and schedules...and forgets to have time to create. It's probably extremely evident in the fact that I go months without blogging and haven't written a new song in over a year. "God what do you want me to do? You've put dreams, desires and hopes in my heart, I don't want to miss out on what you have for me." A daily conversation I have with God. Recently, the two dreams of my heart, that have brought me to tears several times are I want to have children with my friends & watch our children grow up together; I want to make music and be able to participate in ushering in the presence of God. I have to will myself quite often that God is in control and has better plans that I could ever imagine, which could possibly mean them looking entirely different that what I want. Because life happens, plans are just simply that. People move away, situations change, opportunities fail to reveal themselves. I am not bitter, I feel like it may come across that way simply because the tone of my heart couldn't possibly be heard perfectly through the words on the screen, I am simply being very honest. The perfect life we all long for is not here on earth. We get glimmers, sights, love and compassion, but heaven is a our true home. With that being in mind, that hope clearly set before us (Romans 14) I have come to terms with the desires of my heart, not just the two mentioned of course, may not be fulfilled here on earth, it may have to wait until we reach heaven where all fullness is in Jesus. Oh my. I guess take a minute and think about that. When I start to meditate on that, my eyes come off of me and go to Jesus, because in all of my selfish ways and my personal desires, knowing that one day that will all be over and there won't be any need to strive for those things we desire anymore...brings me such peace. Thank God. ................................................... ................................................ ........................................... ...................................... ........................... .................. .............. ............ ...... ... .. . Okay... I really didn't want to go plowing past that point. I have now set the stage of what I REALLY wanted to blog about :) A few nights ago, I had a dream that was about those two things that I have most recently been pleading to God about. I woke up feeling heart-broken, not because they were sad dreams, but because they were so imprinted on my heart that they had began showing up in my dreams. I am not a very detailed night time dreamer, usually if I remember dreams it's because they're traumatic enough to scare me awake, but not this dream. If anyone follows me on instagram, pinterest, or Facebook you know that I am making an attempt to conquer as much as my pinterest as possible at this point of my life. Some people role their eyes about pinterest, calling it a waste of time...which it indeed can be, however it gives me the opportunity, no matter what the weather, to dream. I think that's why guys love video games and playing sports. Because we have been raised in a society that doesn't have time for dreaming and playing the "what-if" game once you become an adult. Here I am in the middle of being a dreamer, and becoming a doer. The important thing is to be in a place of allowing time for dreaming, because it's beyond important. I need to do more dreaming and relaxing at the piano, I know it and it's a main priority right now. However, you can't just be a dreamer...as my Dad as taught me countless times, you have to have faith and drive to follow through and see what happens. In my life, Jesus is not separate than my reality, he's definitely a part of when I cook, clean, layout, read, workout, work...you know, life! Because of that, I try to include Him in all of my struggle and even silly things like my pinterest challenge. I give Him my dreams and pray He'll give me the strength to either achieve them or let go and wait for His best. I don't know how I possibly have not learned this lesson yet, I guess it's utterly ongoing. I love to learn, don't get me wrong, but this lesson, this balance is such a tough one. Letting God do His thing, trusting Him with your desires, because He put them there, YET not just sitting around waiting for things to happen, dreaming without any movement, but walking in faith and perseverance to achieve THE goal. And THE (ultimate) goal, is to reflect Jesus. I am a very goal oriented person, I feel accomplished when I finish somethings, however, I really need Jesus to guide my dreams & my feet daily. Thanks for reading guys, I think this has been one of my favorite blogs to write!

little me, encouraged me

For starters, I CANNOT get over this beautiful weather that has been blessing the Cleveland, Ohio area! Can't get enough of it! I'm currently sitting inside, next to my open kitchen window feeling the sun & smelling the fresh air - but in a few short weeks, I will be moving to our new apartments that have a balcony outside, and I will be writing from there! Very exciting. I am all about change and newness...yet still all about where I came from and holding onto things that still hold a great level of precious to me. In beginning the process of packing, I always start with going through older stuff and getting rid of it. I used to have more time and I would do so every 3-4 months, at least with clothes, shoes, jewelry etc. It's a very cleansing habit by the way, clutter is annoying, but clutter you never get to around to either using or looking at is worse! Very similarly to my packing process around this time last year, I began to go through my keepsake boxes (that sounds very sweet & beautiful, but are just simply a bunch of shoes boxes lol) which include everything from 5 yr old drawings, to 11 yr old letters from friends & of course my over-abundant journal collection. I began consistently keeping a journal when I was around 13-14. I would always start a journal and never finish it before that time-frame. When I was 12 I kept my journals in story form and in little folders with titles and everything :) .....side note: some day I will write books again.... I opened to a page in my 14 yr old journal, and then decided I wanted to read the whole thing. It's not a very involved story of my life, mostly facts, thoughts and Bible verses. My favorite thing that I used to do was in the beginning and end of my journal I would have a couple "fun facts" pages. On these pages I would document stuff ranging from my current weight to who I currently was crushing on to who my best friends were to what were my favorite songs to favorite clothing items...you get the picture. At the time, I never realized how humerus this would someday be! Here I am, 10 yrs later, chuckling about who my favorite band was and the name/eye color of my crush. I continued reading on of course, chuckling as I went, sighing and taking a deep breath when I would feel just a small pinch of the level of frustration that was communicated on those pages. In a short time, I finished the journal and placed it in the "keeping pile". I found myself amazed at how impactful reading this journal was. This was the journal in which I began making changes in my life that would affect me long term. I had started learning how to eat right and work out. I would log how much I worked out that day and be so proud of any progress what so ever, because it was such a new experience for me. I sat there thinking about how many times I beat myself up with how I'm not happy with where I am body wise, spiritually, musically, etc. and here I was reading stuff I prior wrote, and it was encouraging me! Little strange, maybe? I don't think so really. I am so thankful I believe in a God who can use anything to bring encouragement, direction and purpose to our lives. We get off track, I do daily...and then through just a routinely un-cluttering of my stuff, God can remind me of my previous "small" victories that helped shape and change my life for the long run. Working out is simply just a physical example of that. I am also sooo incredibly grateful that I serve a God who knows the deepest desires and heart cries. As most of you know, weight has always been an issue for me, and if you have instagram/facebook you know I'm am attempting to go through and at least try all the things I've pinned on pinterest, specifically meals & workouts to get healthier, stronger & thinner...but mostly to not just be a dreamer, but a doer. It's hard work, God knows this. David said it so well in Psalms 139:3 - "You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways." I love the word acquainted. It means to be personally known. I don't know about you, but my favorite thing in the world!!!! is to be personally known by those closest to me...and to think, God is already there. Wow; beautiful. So many times, I've questioned why keeping a journal is so important. I've gone on kicks where writing down my life has become a little to time consuming and I have reverted to simply keeping a prayer journal. But I think there is something to keeping a journal and recording parts of your life. Maybe only the big parts, maybe just when your crying out the Lord and then thanking Him for His faithfulness in your life...but there is something to it, keeping track of your days, knowing where you came from. I'm glad to finally realize how God is truly using my time of writing and recording, because He wants to bless, challenge and encourage my life. :) I leave you guys with this today, I'm headed out to enjoy the sunshine!

present day me

I am amazed at the faithfulness of God and how it’s in the small things He blesses my life. I can testify daily that God makes away for the desires of my heart, and He knows my needs before I know them myself. These past months have been difficult for me to pin point how and why God was teaching me the way that He was –usually when you’re walking through a season you don’t understand the purpose – and now here I am near the end of a brief yet precious season and I see fully what God was trying to reinvest in my heart. Throughout my life after the age of probably 14 or so I have been a part of leading kids younger than myself, informally usually and with my parents’ ministry every summer and was actively a part of a number of things all the way up until summer 2010, and then school kicked into a whole new gear and I started dating my now husband, leadership inadvertently took the back seat. In anticipation of school being over, starting last summer, I began to ask God what He wanted me to focus on in this new season I was stepping into and I knew for sure it would have something to do with music – another part of my life that has been on the back burner for the past 2 years specifically – hoping that I would have some kind of leadership role and music would once again take its place. There are several songs that have been written but never fully played out. I find myself frustrated with my music or even my voice because nothing is as good as it was when I would be practicing everyday…it makes sense really. I’m sure many reading this can understand where I’m coming from. Anyways…all that to say, those were the two things specifically I was asking God to show me how these dreams and desires of my heart would take a place in present day, Bethany Sharon Warner. Welcome 2013. We began a Daniel Fast with our church. I have only successfully finished a fast if I have specific things I’m praying and asking God for. I firmly believe that if you don’t have anything specific you’re asking God for or you don’t have time focus on God more than your regular allotted time, you shouldn’t be fasting because then it just turns into starving yourself (this is what happens when I don’t blog for 2 months, I have wayyyy to many thoughts). During the fast, I was asking God for opportunities to walk in the things I desire and am dreaming for - AKA – leading something and getting more involved with music. Two things related to my prayers popped up. One was helping my Mom by subbing in for her class she has taught at Hearts for Jesus Christ since I was a sophomore there, Mission’s In Action (MIA) and the second was trying out for a position on our church’s worship team. I was excited for my Mom’s class and rather hesitant on the other, but not willing to let the opportunity pass by. I had been reading, and still am reading the book “Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman” – by Anne Ortlund – and essentially what I knew God was teaching me through that was about the word discipline. I hate that word, I’ve always hated that word. I would much rather deal with the words: challenge, change, train, etc. – anything BUT discipline. However… God disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 13:24), therefore I have always felt as if I need to learn to love this word. I have picked up this book several times and always started reading it, and actually liked what this woman had to say, a lot. As I began to pray into this discipline idea – I complied it along with how fasting and discipline go hand in hand…and further that for any excellence to come in our lives, discipline must play a part. I related that immediately to working out and eating right, something I have previously devoted a lot of time too, but just got lazy. I have been implementing the word discipline back into my life, in more ways than one. The result of discipline is one of positive, whereas that word usually has negative connotation attached to it, for me now it means my focus will be different and my end desire will look different. As many aspects of my life have been entirely disciplined (i.e. nursing school) other parts have not, music for sure, among other things. When the worship team slot didn’t work out, I prayed almost initially that God would open my eyes to the reason why. Almost immediately God showed me that He wanted me to himself in this season of me rediscovering my music love, how exciting! Actually am really excited about it. My awesome husband bought me a very nice keyboard for my birthday and it’s sitting in our kitchen and I try to on a daily basis pound through my frustration over lack of present talent or strength of my voice and just simply worship Him. There is so much freedom in that and not having the pressure of performing at all, yet practicing and blocking out specific time is disciplining my life and preparing me for a season that I know God has for me. Wow, I really should blog more often. Maybe re-reading the first paragraph will help refocus of what I was talking about. As I am writing the last part of this, I am sitting at a hallway at Hearts for Jesus Christ, the homeschooling group I graduated from and have currently taught at for the past 6 weeks. Because of my orientation for NURSING (!!!!) begins on the 25th and Lord-willing I will pass boards, I will not be able to finish out the school year teaching. It is with sadness and yet joy in my heart I let this brief phase go with high hopes of what next school year will bring for me. This was an answered prayer, and I had no idea how awesome it would be. I simply believed I would be rusty and not know what to say to these kids and that I would at the very least haphazardly lead them through the end of the school year. However God met me every step of the way and spoke to me about and through these young amazing people. My heart has been awakened to previous desires and I am incredibly pumped to have time for dreams once again. In conclusion, I want God to be continually demonstrated in my life, actions, thoughts and time…and by His grace He will help me through that. I am excited to be alive again and feel passion and calling after many seasons of putting my head down and keep on keeping on. Please pray for me as I am preparing to take my nursing test at the end of this month, I’m nervous and excited and trusting God that He knows my plans far beyond the present here and now, orchestrating everything around me to bring Him glory. Promising more blogs (lol) - Bethany

change

A whole year without blogging, how odd for me...and what a year 2012 was. If you read my last blog, it's crazy to see all of the things I was anticipating come to pass. I am currently a nursing school graduate & a married woman. Crazy. If you know anything about getting married or getting through school, you will realize why I had to give up something I am passionate about. Often times in life, you give up multiple things to focus in on only few, or maybe one. I am thankful to have reached the point in life where I can return to the things my heart holds dear, revisit jotting down my thoughts about life and sharing them with you. I am baffled to think about the highlights of 2012, but I will venture down that path to attempt a snapshot. The year began in celebrating my Grandmother, Violet Fitz's life, with all of her children and grandchildren together. She passed away on December 30th, 2011. She had lived with us for the last 9 months of her life, which had tested our family in many ways - yet pulling us all closer together, making our last times with her memorable. Having all the family together in January was priceless...I will never forget the ridiculous game of Jungle Speed we almost all died over playing at the kitchen table. There are so many reasons why God gives us family, one of them is definitely for joy. Weddings began early in the year as well, my lovely friend Emily got married, I was privileged to get to be a part of the wonderful occasion. Everyone told me when I was younger that there would be a time where weddings would be happening all over the place - I didn't believe until it happened to my world as well! As you know, I was still in school this past year, 3rd semester proved to be very difficult for me, in fact, it's hard to remember much of anything else that went on during those 4 months other than studying. However, I found, much to my surprise, I actually really enjoyed working with kids! It has changed my direction for nursing - even if it won't happen for a number of years - I have a goal in mind. On the last test that I had to take, I could only miss 4 points...and that's how many I missed! Phew! Never again will I push it that close! Thanks to my amazing Mother, I pressed through and studied harder than I ever had. It was such a relief to plow into my wedding season without the burden of school. Oh oh how wonderful wedding season was...and how stressful! Planning my wedding was so fun, and I tried so hard to not stress out, but it was still hard not to. Regardless of the stress level, everything came together. I married the most amazing man, during an incredible ceremony of music, tears, vows and prayers. Looking through the pictures these past few weeks brings back all the warmth I felt that day. The summer truly began when my love & I landed in Mexico for our honeymoon. We had plenty of time to relax, have adventures and enjoy each other. Over the summer, I worked full time and really just adjusted to married life. To be honest, I wanted to implement all of the things that I thought would be the "right" things to do as a married couple, but Josh encouraged me to sit back, relax and just ease into the new life we began together. It was good advice. More on marriage, of course, to come. Change had begun, but more was to come, as had been anticipated. When one of the branches of our church closed, we took that as the sign we had been praying for to look for a new church. We knew that God was going to be taking us somewhere else in the future, even before we got married. I knew my spirit was not being fed or challenged and I was hungry for more. I am excited to share more about what God is doing in my heart as a result of the message the new church we have been going to is bringing - all to say now is that we love it there, we love the people, the mission, and what God is doing in us as a result of it. Fall brought a new church, as well as the last semester of school for me. In the middle of my school year, two other close friends of ours got married as well, Evan & Lauren. How fun it was to celebrate a marriage of two people, you know a similar amount, standing up there for them. It was a wonderful day, one that I won't forget. Dedication was my middle name during the past 4 months. I've never worked harder or for longer hours from the jump. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done to this point. I did feel very lonely because of all the time I isolated myself from others in order to study. In this past season, God, in all His love comforted me by something I've known for so long, but somehow had let myself forget. That I am never a lone because I belong to Him. What can I say? God shows us how awesome He is, even when we doubt it. In that frame of mind, heart and soul, I finished the semester and graduated the next week. The finish line was finally met! It's been a whirlwind ever since...In looking into the next few weeks, I am hopeful for the slow down about to take place. Even though I did not blog over this past year, I read many blogs via pinterest, which brings me to what I would like to start doing with my blogs...a new direction if you will. Up to this point my blogs have been just about life or what God has been showing me, I still want to include that, of course, but also other life stuff...like recipes I've tried & liked, work outs I've started, progress made with fitness...just my new life as a wife & a nurse! All of that to say, but simply to end with this - my world is on a continual path of change inside & out. I'm thankful for the past, excited for the new.