Most of the time I feel like I don't know enough to give advice about anything really. I've said to my Mom countless times that I can't wait until I'm older and people will take me seriously. Often times older people reflect on their younger years and tell "us young people" that these are our best days and we shouldn't wish them away for anything. I responded once to someone that it is very difficult to be young, respect is hard to come by, even when you work hard at it. These thoughts constantly plague my brain and I decided that I'm through with it. It's a fear thing. It's a false humility thing.
I ask God for wisdom and discernment and then walk in it, with humility. I know that regardless of the wisdom that I may have, someone will know something better than me and I have to be humble enough to admit it. However, I need to be bold enough to share what God has put on my heart for those around me, otherwise I am not using gifting God has given me.
This is my preface for this blog. I have only being a wife for exactly 2 years, 1 day & 3 hours at this point when writing. I don't know everything there is to know about being a wife, I figure I won't know everything until my last dying breath. Hopefully before then (chuckle). However, I am tired of feeling discredited because I've only been a wife for as long as I have. When I speak positively about my husband and how I miss him when we work different shifts I get responses like "well that will get old", "one day you'll be glad to get a break from him", "it'll change once you have children" ...so on and so forth. I could spend this whole blog spilling my guts about how I feel when people say those things to me. I'm sure you can imagine. But I'm tired of focusing on what other people are saying to me about how I should live my life, I want to hear the voice of the One who made marriage & this man I am now married too. Let's face it, if you think marriage is about your life, you're wrong. It's a reflection of Jesus. I don't know about you, but my overall goal is to reflect him better. This leads to my first of six points.
1.
I am a selfish person.
In first 6 months or so of my marriage one of my closest friends asked me what was the biggest thing I learned about being married or about Josh. I remember so clearly how that question resonated in my heart because the immediate struggle within me was my pride based thoughts. God had very clearly shown me a lot about myself in a very short time of being married. Of course I wanted to say something silly about how we clean the kitchen differently, but I KNEW the right honest humble answer. And that answer wasn't for her, it was for me. I told her that I had an increase awareness of the selfishness that I didn't even think I had. Growing up I was the oldest of 5 kids, I was always making sure that had their dinner and clothes done when Mom wasn't home. I worked as a nurse's aid in a hospital and I took care of people continually putting their needs above mine. I was a pretty consistent friend who would initiate time spent. I had a great list of why I was ready to be married. But oh my. Let's just say I married a good man, and I serve such a gracious and loving God. The sacrifice is real, considering you're own needs & at the same time another person's at either the same level or above -- it's painful. Phew. Yielding you're heart and emotions to another person's needs/wants/desires. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it is worth it. And it's for us! Not so that we can somehow manipulate the situation so we get what we want in the end, or because of some kind of magic our husbands will change what they want because they see how selfless we're being. Nope, nope, nope. It's so that Jesus can be better represented in us. Are we not called to be more like Him? He who is the definition of true sacrifice? It's okay to have selfish flesh desires, we are imperfect. But how gorgeous humility, true and pure, will look on us.
2.
My comparing problem.
Comparison is one of the biggest lies ever. That constant the grass is greener on the other side, or they get flowers every month and I don't....ugh. It's such a hot mess. Before I was married and even really knew Josh, I always hoped and prayed that my love story wouldn't be generic or boring or sound like anyone else's story. God is good. Now that I am married, it feels like high school all over again only now we have homes, cars, husbands, maybe children...etc. And it's a big competition. It's weird because even though I spent my pre-marriage time hoping to be different and then once married I am stuck in the comparison game where I'm desiring to be more like other people I know. Goofy I know. But we all do it don't we? When you sit an reflect on how silly it is, it becomes simply that. To top it all off, it is so belittling to you're marriage. The marriage that you were given to grow and pour time and energy into creating what God has for you to in life. I have always really struggled with different comparison problems, and don't think for one minute when you get married your insecurities and struggles just go out the window because you finally found someone you can depend on. If anything they get magnified. Don't beat yourself up, there is so much grace in marriage. Sometimes I think God has all this grace pent up specifically for you and your situation, and all we have to do is ask. I am so thankful that I've had encouragement about this in my marriage. The devil is waiting to pounce and destroy your marriage, and I'm pretty sure that this very thing is a huge root of why divorces happen. Do not let comparison steal the beauty of the unique way your marriage is supposed to make a difference on the world. Don't let it share you're joy because it doesn't look like someone else. My prayer for anyone with this issue as well as myself is this amazing verse in Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
3.
I don't have that perfect wife syndrome.
As a Christian, growing up in church & being a woman I have heard countless things about Proverbs 31. If you don't know it by looking at it maybe "a wife of noble character" will ring a bell. Essentially it is the very portion of scripture that everyone always focuses their time and energy explaining a perfect wife. Growing up, I rolled my eyes and blocked it out for the most part. I read it one time at, probably, age 12 and promptly decided I was never going to be that great and all the people who focus so darn hard on it are just lying to themselves because most of it is just not possible (chuckle). Now that I'm 25 I have a little more respect for it, after all, it is the Bible. Also on the other hand, you really need to look at this chunk of scripture. It doesn't just say that she's a good wife, works hard at cleaning and keeping the house and the children. It talks about how she actively living her life. She is a wife, but she's handling money well, her husband has confidence in her, she buys & sells,she spends her time well, etc. She was more than Suzie Homemaker. This is my point. There is no "perfect wife" picture to be (again) comparing yourself too. Your home, your work, your children - everything will be done differently and that's OKAY. Being a wife is wearing many hats, and I truly think that's the message Proverbs 31 should send. Not a measuring stick of perfection. My most recent example is when Josh & I would bring food to many places, people just assumed that I made the food. When actually, I married a man who loves to cook, and who is ridiculously good at it! I used to feel guilty that I wasn't doing a good job as a wife. But oh my goodness is that the wrong thing! Be you. Wear your hats.
4.
Letting my control freak go.
I like to be in control. Due to being the oldest, I was naturally assuming the decision making role often in my family before I married into a new one. Now that I'm in the new one and working on not being selfish, I'm also tag teaming that not being overbearing/controlling thing. It's a very difficult thing to let things go. You are not your husbands mother. You are both apart of the decision making. You cannot wave a rule book over your husbands head and say that he cannot do things. I have really been curious about when women say things to the extent of not letting their husbands buy certain things or spend their time on things -- this is how I look at it: Are you, as the wife, also planning on giving up your shopping, getting hair cut and nails done...you know your own list. No? Okay then. Let it go. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it's not important to this guy you love. And it's respecting him. Supporting his decisions and of course sometimes asking why is respecting him as a man. Being a demanding woman never got her what she truly wanted. In Ephesians 5 it talks about how wives need to submit to their husbands. A lot of woman I know would cringe at that, and sometimes, yes I do to. However it tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Both of these things are HUGE. And they complete a cycle. If woman feel loved, they want to yield to their husband and if a man feels respected he feels secure and able to love. It's tricky, but it's good. My goal is to let my husband be him. I never want to hold him back of anything good in life.
5.
I am beautiful.
I don't think there is a woman alive who doesn't deal with self-worth issues. It's our personal battle on a daily basis. My husband is a very honest person. He does not continually shower me with compliments (thank goodness) and he has also told me that I am not a pretty crier. He has also told me how upsetting it is for him when he tells me I look good and my response is something along the lines of "you always think I'm beautiful". Wow is that totally not fair to him! Again this goes back to my own heart issues. Because I am living proof that even if a man is crazy about you and your body and tells you everyday, if you are not happy with who you are, it won't make any difference and it will be very sad for your husband. So what is the magic formula to being happy with yourself? Being finally your goal weight? Getting that muscle tone? Filling out in all the right areas? No. Of course working out is good, taking care of yourself is important. BUT, it comes from knowing what
He says about you. Knowing what your true worth is. I challenge you to find that verse that resonates in your spirit. Mine is Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." The creator of the universe who made everything, all things mighty and beautiful, call you His. Whoah.
6.
What love means.
Something I have discovered about myself and I have begun to see it in others as well: I love talking about my husband. I love talking about how good he is with people, cooking, working, laughing, relaxing -- I love talking about it! I don't do it to rub it in others faces, I just feel so privileged to know him so well and get to be connected with such an awesome person. A lot of the time, we talk about other people and then we feel worse about ourselves, or better yet we will say something positive and good about ourselves after saying something good about our spouse. That's that competitive game again, that comparing business. But now it's not you against other people, it's you and your husband. If healthy competition is what makes it work in your relationship, more power to you, but not at a level where you have to put yourself up on a measuring stick next to your spouse. Appreciate the things he is good at, be thankful for them, be okay with not being good at everything. This is what loving someone looks like.
As I close I will leave you with a thought. When Josh & I first started dating a couple rough things happened initially in our lives that brought us closer together, they were sad and difficult. In those moments we wanted to say that we loved each other, and we had only been dating for maybe a few weeks. We didn't feel like it was the "right time". But one night Josh was holding me in a hug and he pulled me away to look at my face and said "I love you as much as I could possibly love you at this point of our relationship".
I feel the same way now. I know as much about being a wife as I could possibly know at this point. I'm sure I'll know more later. I may even write again on all of the topics and address them differently. But this is what Jesus is saying to me. He cares so much about our lives and our marriages. We have to share together.
Thanks so much guys
