As I am finishing my first assignment, I wanted to share a few things that I've learned in the process. In the beginning, I read quite a few blogs written by travelers so I figured I'd join in!
Couple things before we start, about me. I have yet to travel out of state, I choose to stay in state to be close to my husband while he finishes school and then the plan is next summer start going other places together. So there is a whole aspect of being a traveler that I have yet to experience. However, I work with a lot of travelers currently that live within a 2-3 hours radius like myself. The money is still there if commute back and forth every week. Another thing I wanted to share is that I worked in the same hospital for almost 8 years before beginning travel nursing. I was an aid for several years and then was a nurse for almost 4 before I started this new chapter. I worked medical for 2 1/2 and telemetry for 1 year. That's my background. All that to say, here's goes my 20 things:
1. Shop around. I started looking into travel nursing because of an add on Instagram. I entered my info into an online bank and almost immediately started getting phone calls and e-mails. There are A TON of companies out there. It can be EXTREMELY overwhelming, so just take your time. I also messaged a few people that I followed online who were travelers to get their input on companies. I spoke with 3 different companies before finding my current one, and so far I have had the best experience with them. The things I would look out for when you are choosing a company is: A) Consistency and availability - I had a really good conversation with someone and at that time I was just looking into to it, I was told to let them know if I changed my mind, I did and they took weeks to get back to me. B) Do not be bullied - these recruiters are out to get their job too. If you can tell they more concerned about they're agenda then yours, move on. I had one crack jokes related to my marriage and verbally stressed his frustration that I didn't want to leave my state at that time. Needless to say, this is your life, make it work for you.
2. Everyone who is not pursuing traveling will not understand, but it's okay. I love that nursing has all sorts of different people. Some will stay and work in the same hospital for 20+ years and some will change jobs every year. Travel nursing will not always be apart of my life, but I have been willing to venture out to see how I would like it. It's okay to like it, it's okay to not like it. But don't take advice from people who've never done it, because honestly, they don't know.
3. Ask a lot of questions of your recruiter. Money questions, time frame questions, concerns or things you don't understand. Share your honest strengths and weaknesses. Be open and honest (that's why you have to pick one your comfortable with). My recruiter tells me to ask anything, because the worst response would just be no.
4. Order scrubs early! This seems silly, my life was extremely busy the month before I started traveling and I didn't realize until the week before that I needed to buy scrubs. Most places have specific colors and you want to make sure you have enough time to get the scrubs you want, because there's a possibility that you will have to order online.
5. Take time off beforehand. There's a lot of paperwork, especially when you're first starting with a company and then when you're starting a new job too! I had two weeks off and I wish I would've taken 3-4.
6. Orientation is hard. Lots of passwords, tests, etc. Take it in stride, try hard not complain, you'll get through it and feel like a real nurse again.
7. Be honest, but mindful. Don't just bring your concerns to your boss, also speak about the positive things that are happening on the floor.
8. Let yourself grow and adapt the first 3 weeks. Adjusting takes time. I trained with seasoned travelers and they confirmed that you won't feel back to yourself for 2-3 weeks.
9. Pack most of your own food. If you end up commuting like I have been, eating out is going to get really old, really fast.
10. Get a diffuser! Hotel rooms smell weird and it's possible you may have a harder time relaxing since your not at your own house.
11. Take vitamins and supplements. I mainly take a pro-biotic. Because you are contracted, getting sick is really not in your best interest. Take care of yourself first!
12. Don't wait to change hotels if you're not happy. I am not a smoker, and definitely not used to smoke. I could tell when people started smoking inside the building (in the smoking rooms) even though I wasn't on the same floor as them. I waited 2 weeks to see if it got better and I battled a head ache on and off the whole time. Finally changed and I'm so happy.
13. Cheaper isn't always better, see what you're money is getting you. This goes with hotels for sure!
14. Put a travel box together so that you're not unpacking all the time (again, if you are commuting). My favorite things in mine are my cleaning wipes (for hotels, my phone or my shoes - again, staying healthy), plastic & paper utensils and my dish soap and scrubber!
15. Get doubles of your stuff, especially toiletries, again so you're not unpacking every week.
16. Even if it's just for dinner, explore where you are and hangout with your coworkers. If it doesn't make you less homesick, at least it'll break up your time there.
17. Pick up extra time when you want to and do it in advance so you're prepared.
18. When you are home, enjoy your time. I know that seems like a no brainier, but I've ever found that cooking and cleaning is very relaxing when I come home.
19. When you're on the road, enjoy your time. Enjoy your co-workers and your patients. Even though you're there for a short period of time, just like any other kind of nursing, it can't just be about the money.
20. Who you are as nurse matters. You are unique. Someone needs you to be you. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Being confident is so important as nurse and than I think it becomes more important when you are doing shorter periods of time in places. I became a nurse to impact people's lives and help them, sometimes when I get frustrated about new systems or new policies, I keep that in mind.
Hope this helped anyone who was on the edge of deciding if travel nursing is for them or not, I spent about 6 months looking into it before I got my first assignment. I am so thankful I looked into things and that I added this new level to my life, I have been richly rewarded, and the pay increase didn't hurt either!
November 11, 2016
July 22, 2016
Haiti
After a few weeks, looking through pictures and explaining our trip to many people, I feel like it's time for a blog. My husband & I spent a total of 9 days, 2 of which were solely travel with 18 other people, half adults half teenagers, on a trip to Haiti. This was the first time we had ever been on a mission's trip together, and it was my first one in over ten years. Leading into Haiti, we saw God provide for us financially and scheduling wise, however there were a lot of woes involved. Because it was literally mass chaos for weeks in advance, I hadn't really sat down and meditated on what Haiti would even be like. I was considering team dynamics, preparing myself for the heat...but beyond that I was just thankful to be going.
I think God used that definitely. Sometimes when you have high expectations or even expectations in general, you miss what God wants to show you. I hope you enjoy a little retelling of our time in Haiti and the little precious moments God allowed me to experience.
Haiti.
It's beautiful.
It's gross.
It's fullfilling.
It's dissapointing.
It's devastating.
It's restoration.
The Heart of God is so evident here. In every shape and form.
After a full day of travel with limited sleep we landed in Port-au-Prince.
Mountains?
That was one of my initial thoughts. I had seen in pictures what I would consider "big hills", but these, these were majestic tall mountains.
The airport was a little more madness than I would usually prefer, however all our luggage made it. We took extra for supplies so I was shocked, but thankful.
Maneuvering through the airport, we were in single file. My husband was a few people in front of me, I glanced forward a few times and the second time I did, he was "fist bumping" a Haitian man who was chatting him up. I rolled my eyes and cracked a grin. There is so much comfort in that my husband literally makes friends wherever he goes. I'm thankful for the favor that rests on his life because it gives me so much peace.
A huge sigh of relief came over me once we were in the vans, moving down the road.
Words cannot express the devastation that is present on these streets. There is garbage embedded in their dirt. Trash burning close by the market places. People milling every which way, dressed in their best, but some without shoes. Animals roaming. "Motos" riding about with at least 3 people sitting on them as they zip through traffic. Chaos is the word I'm thinking of.
Another miracle, all 3 of our vehicles made it safely to Christianville.
I am so thankful I got ride over in the vans with my family.
My husband, youngest brother and youngest sister came on this adventure with me. There was such a sense of security having them there with me and also and overwhelming joy, getting to see my siblings take in and process a new experience.
Pure exhaustion led us quickly to bed that evening.
Also, I have never been more thankful for a cold shower in all my life.
The plan for the first two days for my brother and I was to spend full days at a clinic a few miles down the road run by an American husband and wife, doctor and nurse, team who had been established there for several years. The rest of the team was being divided into a repair/desk making team and Vacation Bible School (VBS) in one of the neighboring villages. Before we left for our tasks, Sue found us.
Sue is another American woman, who has spent the last several years of her life devoted to the children of Haiti. Her children, orphans, live in a home on the Christianville campus. Because of her reputation in the community, if there are children that have been abandoned, someone from the community tells her.
"There are twins that were born, the mother is crazy and no where to be found. We have to go find them."
Oh no God, not babies, not today, the first day.
My heart sank. There were so many reasons as a nurse I never wanted to work with newborns or children. I silently prayed to myself that a few of the moms on the trip would want to go find these babies. Instantly two moms and one of their daughters said they wanted to go. They left quickly after that, the rest of us solemnly loaded into the school bus (our local transportation), they dropped my brother and I off at the clinic and the rest went to VBS.
The clinic was the most organized thing I saw in Haiti. There was an outside waiting area, and also people sat in benches in the hall. There were several examination rooms, an office and clean water. We quickly were introduced to the staff, Haitian and American, and got to sit in on their morning meeting. My brother and I had a brief conversation about finding the babies, not realizing we had both not wanted to go because it was to upsetting.
We had not been at the clinic for an hour and the head nurse came in.
"Sue is bringing in twins, they are probably premature, born last night."
My heart sank almost instantly. My gut response?
Jesus, I don't want to see a baby die today.
Before there was anytime to process, we had the two babies on a regular examination table. Although some of our teammates (who had brought them in with Sue) were standing there, looking as scared as I felt, we all jumped into fast mode. Holding back any anxiety, I let myself look at these precious little ones. The smallest little ones I've ever seen.
The boy, was kicking and crying. The girl was not.
Both cold, both wrapped up in bonnets, so tight they probably couldn't even breathe that well.
In a blur, 6-7 people ranged around that table at a time taking off their soiled clothes, testing their tiny feet for oxygen levels, taking temperatures and blood sugars.
Doctor Jim listened to their lungs.
"They're clear, surprisingly."
The first sigh of relief silently washed over the entire room.
In that moment, while books were being pulled out to check APGAR scores, I remember thinking one very clear thing. I knew that Jesus was there with us. I barely knew these people in this room, but I felt their hearts. I knew that we all viewed life the same.
The second realization was how well everyone was working together, and how easily they let my brother and I jump in as soon as we knew what they wanted. It was team work, it wasn't perfect, but there was a very clear goal.
"They need names," Sandy, the head nurse said at one point.
Sue was still standing in the room with us.
"I'll ask the girls." Meaning our temmates, who had been asked to sit out in the waiting area awhile before.
She flew out the door, and minutes later she was back.
"Liam and Hailey."
All 6-7 of us then started cooing their names over them.
While still working hard to stabilize blood sugar and temperature, something else changed in the room.
They had names.
In that moment I was overwhelmed with how important names are. And how before we knew their names, God knew their names. I finally understood in that moment why some parents spend so much time over naming their children. Because names matter. And they matter to the Lord.
Although the room was much lighter, we still were moving. Attempted IVs, washing of their hair, calling the helicopter to come, spelling their names and Sue singing "Jesus loves me".
Soon we had mostly clean babies, wrapped up in warm blankets waiting for the pickup. Liam was ready first, I got to walk around holding him. I literally could've held his little 2 lb body forever and never put him in down. However, soon the helicopter team was there, and soon enough, the kiddos were gone. And so were 3 hours. The rest of our day was hardly as eventful, and even the second day could not compare. But I am sincerely grateful for the relationships that were started in the very brief time we were with such and incredible team.
We finished our clinic time on Friday, however our medical experience did not stop until Sunday. My youngest sister got sick with a virus that was traveling among some of the girls on campus. I was utterly thankful that the other leader on our trip was also a nurse because I stayed up most of the night with my sister and almost passed out of complete exhaustion, she took over. In the late morning after some IV fluids and medication, my sister was finally resting and able to keep a few things down. In my sleepy state, I marveled at how moms must feel with sick kids.
Also, how do they do it when more than one kid is sick?
I talked with the moms about it later, and we laughed at how some of the stories they didn't even believe they managed through. It was comforting to have all the moms there.
In my heart, I felt the tug of the Lord again. Between the babies and my sick sister, God was showing me little tiny pieces of what being a parent must be like. To feel deeply helpless and relying on His strength and plan. It was a beautiful thing for my heart.
Sunday was the turning the point in the trip, a huge relief sigh for me. 1/4 of our team stayed to go to a local church service while the rest went to a mountain service. My sister was still recovering, and a few of the girls weren't feeling the best, so my husband and I stayed back.
At first I was afraid we would all feel like we missed out on something. But instead it was such a perfect gift after such a stressful few days. I am thankful that worship is the same in every language and that the Holy Spirit does not have a language. Worshiping with them felt like home. I could only understand maybe a few words that they said, and we were the minority for sure, but it was heavenly.
We spent the afternoon all together at the beach. It was refreshing to the body, soul & spirit.
The rest of the time for me was about helping finish the desks. I went to VBS for one of the days with half the crew and decided after that, the needs for desks was greater. The desks were being built for one of the schools and their desks were literally falling a part.
After a really involved front half of the week, I'm very thankful we had an activity that we could do at a lower level that was still helpful.
It was really different the whole trip after doing many outreaches in my home for several years, to not be able to help with basic things or not knowing where things even were. Something that God spoke so tenderly to my heart about, and then my teammates encouraged me also. I look back and see how easily I could've gotten really upset and angry or controlling, but instead I chose peace and looking for ways to serve my fellow teammates. And that was even by the grace of God.
By the end, some were ready to go home, some still processing and some sad to leave.
It's a beautiful thing to see God move and change people's lives.
I am so thankful for that opportunity.
I think God used that definitely. Sometimes when you have high expectations or even expectations in general, you miss what God wants to show you. I hope you enjoy a little retelling of our time in Haiti and the little precious moments God allowed me to experience.
Haiti.
It's beautiful.
It's gross.
It's fullfilling.
It's dissapointing.
It's devastating.
It's restoration.
The Heart of God is so evident here. In every shape and form.
After a full day of travel with limited sleep we landed in Port-au-Prince.
Mountains?
That was one of my initial thoughts. I had seen in pictures what I would consider "big hills", but these, these were majestic tall mountains.
The airport was a little more madness than I would usually prefer, however all our luggage made it. We took extra for supplies so I was shocked, but thankful.
Maneuvering through the airport, we were in single file. My husband was a few people in front of me, I glanced forward a few times and the second time I did, he was "fist bumping" a Haitian man who was chatting him up. I rolled my eyes and cracked a grin. There is so much comfort in that my husband literally makes friends wherever he goes. I'm thankful for the favor that rests on his life because it gives me so much peace.
A huge sigh of relief came over me once we were in the vans, moving down the road.
Words cannot express the devastation that is present on these streets. There is garbage embedded in their dirt. Trash burning close by the market places. People milling every which way, dressed in their best, but some without shoes. Animals roaming. "Motos" riding about with at least 3 people sitting on them as they zip through traffic. Chaos is the word I'm thinking of.
Another miracle, all 3 of our vehicles made it safely to Christianville.
I am so thankful I got ride over in the vans with my family.
My husband, youngest brother and youngest sister came on this adventure with me. There was such a sense of security having them there with me and also and overwhelming joy, getting to see my siblings take in and process a new experience.
Pure exhaustion led us quickly to bed that evening.
Also, I have never been more thankful for a cold shower in all my life.
The plan for the first two days for my brother and I was to spend full days at a clinic a few miles down the road run by an American husband and wife, doctor and nurse, team who had been established there for several years. The rest of the team was being divided into a repair/desk making team and Vacation Bible School (VBS) in one of the neighboring villages. Before we left for our tasks, Sue found us.
Sue is another American woman, who has spent the last several years of her life devoted to the children of Haiti. Her children, orphans, live in a home on the Christianville campus. Because of her reputation in the community, if there are children that have been abandoned, someone from the community tells her.
"There are twins that were born, the mother is crazy and no where to be found. We have to go find them."
Oh no God, not babies, not today, the first day.
My heart sank. There were so many reasons as a nurse I never wanted to work with newborns or children. I silently prayed to myself that a few of the moms on the trip would want to go find these babies. Instantly two moms and one of their daughters said they wanted to go. They left quickly after that, the rest of us solemnly loaded into the school bus (our local transportation), they dropped my brother and I off at the clinic and the rest went to VBS.
The clinic was the most organized thing I saw in Haiti. There was an outside waiting area, and also people sat in benches in the hall. There were several examination rooms, an office and clean water. We quickly were introduced to the staff, Haitian and American, and got to sit in on their morning meeting. My brother and I had a brief conversation about finding the babies, not realizing we had both not wanted to go because it was to upsetting.
We had not been at the clinic for an hour and the head nurse came in.
"Sue is bringing in twins, they are probably premature, born last night."
My heart sank almost instantly. My gut response?
Jesus, I don't want to see a baby die today.
Before there was anytime to process, we had the two babies on a regular examination table. Although some of our teammates (who had brought them in with Sue) were standing there, looking as scared as I felt, we all jumped into fast mode. Holding back any anxiety, I let myself look at these precious little ones. The smallest little ones I've ever seen.
The boy, was kicking and crying. The girl was not.
Both cold, both wrapped up in bonnets, so tight they probably couldn't even breathe that well.
In a blur, 6-7 people ranged around that table at a time taking off their soiled clothes, testing their tiny feet for oxygen levels, taking temperatures and blood sugars.
Doctor Jim listened to their lungs.
"They're clear, surprisingly."
The first sigh of relief silently washed over the entire room.
In that moment, while books were being pulled out to check APGAR scores, I remember thinking one very clear thing. I knew that Jesus was there with us. I barely knew these people in this room, but I felt their hearts. I knew that we all viewed life the same.
The second realization was how well everyone was working together, and how easily they let my brother and I jump in as soon as we knew what they wanted. It was team work, it wasn't perfect, but there was a very clear goal.
"They need names," Sandy, the head nurse said at one point.
Sue was still standing in the room with us.
"I'll ask the girls." Meaning our temmates, who had been asked to sit out in the waiting area awhile before.
She flew out the door, and minutes later she was back.
"Liam and Hailey."
All 6-7 of us then started cooing their names over them.
While still working hard to stabilize blood sugar and temperature, something else changed in the room.
They had names.
In that moment I was overwhelmed with how important names are. And how before we knew their names, God knew their names. I finally understood in that moment why some parents spend so much time over naming their children. Because names matter. And they matter to the Lord.
Although the room was much lighter, we still were moving. Attempted IVs, washing of their hair, calling the helicopter to come, spelling their names and Sue singing "Jesus loves me".
Soon we had mostly clean babies, wrapped up in warm blankets waiting for the pickup. Liam was ready first, I got to walk around holding him. I literally could've held his little 2 lb body forever and never put him in down. However, soon the helicopter team was there, and soon enough, the kiddos were gone. And so were 3 hours. The rest of our day was hardly as eventful, and even the second day could not compare. But I am sincerely grateful for the relationships that were started in the very brief time we were with such and incredible team.
We finished our clinic time on Friday, however our medical experience did not stop until Sunday. My youngest sister got sick with a virus that was traveling among some of the girls on campus. I was utterly thankful that the other leader on our trip was also a nurse because I stayed up most of the night with my sister and almost passed out of complete exhaustion, she took over. In the late morning after some IV fluids and medication, my sister was finally resting and able to keep a few things down. In my sleepy state, I marveled at how moms must feel with sick kids.
Also, how do they do it when more than one kid is sick?
I talked with the moms about it later, and we laughed at how some of the stories they didn't even believe they managed through. It was comforting to have all the moms there.
In my heart, I felt the tug of the Lord again. Between the babies and my sick sister, God was showing me little tiny pieces of what being a parent must be like. To feel deeply helpless and relying on His strength and plan. It was a beautiful thing for my heart.
Sunday was the turning the point in the trip, a huge relief sigh for me. 1/4 of our team stayed to go to a local church service while the rest went to a mountain service. My sister was still recovering, and a few of the girls weren't feeling the best, so my husband and I stayed back.
At first I was afraid we would all feel like we missed out on something. But instead it was such a perfect gift after such a stressful few days. I am thankful that worship is the same in every language and that the Holy Spirit does not have a language. Worshiping with them felt like home. I could only understand maybe a few words that they said, and we were the minority for sure, but it was heavenly.
We spent the afternoon all together at the beach. It was refreshing to the body, soul & spirit.
The rest of the time for me was about helping finish the desks. I went to VBS for one of the days with half the crew and decided after that, the needs for desks was greater. The desks were being built for one of the schools and their desks were literally falling a part.
After a really involved front half of the week, I'm very thankful we had an activity that we could do at a lower level that was still helpful.
It was really different the whole trip after doing many outreaches in my home for several years, to not be able to help with basic things or not knowing where things even were. Something that God spoke so tenderly to my heart about, and then my teammates encouraged me also. I look back and see how easily I could've gotten really upset and angry or controlling, but instead I chose peace and looking for ways to serve my fellow teammates. And that was even by the grace of God.
By the end, some were ready to go home, some still processing and some sad to leave.
It's a beautiful thing to see God move and change people's lives.
I am so thankful for that opportunity.
May 17, 2016
Fear
When I was 17, I was fearless. I never broke the law or did anything unsafe, however I struggled immensely with poor authority figures in my life. It's quite possible I just didn't have any bad ones in my life until that point. I have always been one who's got along with people, no matter what age, older or younger. In that time, I pushed limits constantly, and my own agenda was the only one that truly mattered. I was kind of like a bulldozer. So yeah, not being like that any more felt like a good life choice.
Being fearless had a positive effect on me as well, this carried into my senior year and into my early college classes. I wrote two papers for two separate English classes, one on the effect of sex education in public schools verses education at home with parents, and the other on postpartum depression specifically in women who had an abortion. The first one my teacher argued with me about the content, still eventually gave me a B. The second, I don't remember my grade but I had to give a presentation to the entire class, I remember feeling kind of nervous, but no where NEAR how would tremble now.
No fear.
When I was 19 and 20, with starting my new job, my first real life job. I experienced grown adults, twice my age speaking behind my back, instead of to my face, like they were freshly out of high school themselves. I gave the impression, to them that I didn't care about my job and that I had an attitude. It was a process I had to push through. Confrontation with different co-workers, meetings with my boss, etc. When I left that job last year, after being there for almost 7 years, no one believed that I had been under that much scrutiny in the beginning. I believe this was for two reasons, one I was the person that showed most people around when they were new and two I honestly kept a lot of frustrations to myself and dealt with problems by myself. Some of that was maturity, some of that was not trusting the people around me, still with the mindset of "what are people saying behind my back".
I allowed fear to dictate my life.
It's funny because I doubt anyone would look at me and see that. I'm still honest, I'm still open and I work really hard. But still I had thoughts surrounding my mind.
"Don't mess up."
"Don't show weakness."
This was affecting other parts of my life as well.
Music.
I've been told was "to much" fairly often since I was 15 or so.
It didn't seem to truly affect me until I was turned down for a worship team position a few years ago. I was literally crushed. Even to this day, I know it was God saving me tremendously from a situation that would not have been the right fit for me, I still spent 4 years away from anything to do with leading or being a part of a worship team. I would sit down at a piano and cry, all of the things that were ever said to me about not being good enough would pound out in my head. So much so, I definitely had periods of time where I would believe them.
I believed the lies.
And so in two crushing blows, one against my character and one against my talent, I went on a downward spiral that affected everything. How I saw myself, how I gave up on myself. Through gaining weight, shying away from new situations, trying to fix every broken relationship in my own strength....the list continues.
I began feeling suffocated. I had no inspiration, nothing to really better myself for, no direction. Just "getting though" life, putting my head down and hoping for a better time. To be clear. It hasn't all been a mess. Strong truth of how God can still use you when you feel utterly useless. But most days, before going to sleep, I simply would just not feel good enough.
Now.
27 years old.
Right before my birthday, God was talking to me so much about a next phase of life. The phase of life that to this point I had nothing to compare it to. This wasn't just something out of the blue, knowing that my husband is going to be out of school in a year, that was most definitely something new for our lives. We have been living our lives somewhat in limbo, with dreams on hold, awaiting this time of freedom where we could finally get on with our lives.
Right then, I was challenged by God. He asked me if I was going to spend another year simply just "getting through it", wasting precious time of my life that I would never get back. He asked me, how much longer are you going to keep yourself boxed up in the "not good" enough cage? Why are you afraid to dream? Why are you so tangled up in saying "I can't do this" or "I must still hold on to that"?
Say yes, and then let go.
Stop being afraid and trust Me more.
You have nothing to be afraid of, because I am with you.
You don't have to make yourself sick over situations, I will redeem them.
You trust Me.
And ever so gently, I've been letting go of more. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting forth effort into things, but I refuse to prove or convince people of anything. I believe you truly can't change other people, they have to believe things for themselves. It's our job to do our best, be teachable and listen.
It's are job to try and put forth effort and not be ashamed when we mess up. It's what keeps us humble. It's our job to question every time we feel or say "I would never be able to do that" with a "Why not?".
The beauty of saying yes to difficult things, to letting go of unhealthy things, even when you think it's impossible; is that you never truly are doing it alone. If you have Jesus, you are never truly alone. Another recent thing that has put a tremendous calm over my soul: even if everyone left me, I would never be alone or empty, not truly, because I know the one who lives within me giving me life. It is my greatest fear to loose the ones I love, and I pray that I never have to. But if that's what happened, He would still be there.
Another amazing thing to saying yes instead of no, taking that risk instead of holding back, fear only becomes a simple emotion. The kind that you look at later and are surprised that something so small could have such a hold on you. I don't want to be exactly like the fearlessness I had when I was 17. I want to be kind, I want to always respect the authority God has put in my life, and use to discernment of what to do in those situations. I want to be kind and patient, not like a bulldozer. But I want to hear His voice above all the others.
That He is for me, not against me. That He has good things in store for me. That He will fight for me, I just have to lean on Him. Because He is a good father, who knows my future.
It feels good doesn't it?
In closing, this verse: Hebrews 12:1-3
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Being fearless had a positive effect on me as well, this carried into my senior year and into my early college classes. I wrote two papers for two separate English classes, one on the effect of sex education in public schools verses education at home with parents, and the other on postpartum depression specifically in women who had an abortion. The first one my teacher argued with me about the content, still eventually gave me a B. The second, I don't remember my grade but I had to give a presentation to the entire class, I remember feeling kind of nervous, but no where NEAR how would tremble now.
No fear.
When I was 19 and 20, with starting my new job, my first real life job. I experienced grown adults, twice my age speaking behind my back, instead of to my face, like they were freshly out of high school themselves. I gave the impression, to them that I didn't care about my job and that I had an attitude. It was a process I had to push through. Confrontation with different co-workers, meetings with my boss, etc. When I left that job last year, after being there for almost 7 years, no one believed that I had been under that much scrutiny in the beginning. I believe this was for two reasons, one I was the person that showed most people around when they were new and two I honestly kept a lot of frustrations to myself and dealt with problems by myself. Some of that was maturity, some of that was not trusting the people around me, still with the mindset of "what are people saying behind my back".
I allowed fear to dictate my life.
It's funny because I doubt anyone would look at me and see that. I'm still honest, I'm still open and I work really hard. But still I had thoughts surrounding my mind.
"Don't mess up."
"Don't show weakness."
This was affecting other parts of my life as well.
Music.
I've been told was "to much" fairly often since I was 15 or so.
It didn't seem to truly affect me until I was turned down for a worship team position a few years ago. I was literally crushed. Even to this day, I know it was God saving me tremendously from a situation that would not have been the right fit for me, I still spent 4 years away from anything to do with leading or being a part of a worship team. I would sit down at a piano and cry, all of the things that were ever said to me about not being good enough would pound out in my head. So much so, I definitely had periods of time where I would believe them.
I believed the lies.
And so in two crushing blows, one against my character and one against my talent, I went on a downward spiral that affected everything. How I saw myself, how I gave up on myself. Through gaining weight, shying away from new situations, trying to fix every broken relationship in my own strength....the list continues.
I began feeling suffocated. I had no inspiration, nothing to really better myself for, no direction. Just "getting though" life, putting my head down and hoping for a better time. To be clear. It hasn't all been a mess. Strong truth of how God can still use you when you feel utterly useless. But most days, before going to sleep, I simply would just not feel good enough.
Now.
27 years old.
Right before my birthday, God was talking to me so much about a next phase of life. The phase of life that to this point I had nothing to compare it to. This wasn't just something out of the blue, knowing that my husband is going to be out of school in a year, that was most definitely something new for our lives. We have been living our lives somewhat in limbo, with dreams on hold, awaiting this time of freedom where we could finally get on with our lives.
Right then, I was challenged by God. He asked me if I was going to spend another year simply just "getting through it", wasting precious time of my life that I would never get back. He asked me, how much longer are you going to keep yourself boxed up in the "not good" enough cage? Why are you afraid to dream? Why are you so tangled up in saying "I can't do this" or "I must still hold on to that"?
Say yes, and then let go.
Stop being afraid and trust Me more.
You have nothing to be afraid of, because I am with you.
You don't have to make yourself sick over situations, I will redeem them.
You trust Me.
And ever so gently, I've been letting go of more. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting forth effort into things, but I refuse to prove or convince people of anything. I believe you truly can't change other people, they have to believe things for themselves. It's our job to do our best, be teachable and listen.
It's are job to try and put forth effort and not be ashamed when we mess up. It's what keeps us humble. It's our job to question every time we feel or say "I would never be able to do that" with a "Why not?".
The beauty of saying yes to difficult things, to letting go of unhealthy things, even when you think it's impossible; is that you never truly are doing it alone. If you have Jesus, you are never truly alone. Another recent thing that has put a tremendous calm over my soul: even if everyone left me, I would never be alone or empty, not truly, because I know the one who lives within me giving me life. It is my greatest fear to loose the ones I love, and I pray that I never have to. But if that's what happened, He would still be there.
Another amazing thing to saying yes instead of no, taking that risk instead of holding back, fear only becomes a simple emotion. The kind that you look at later and are surprised that something so small could have such a hold on you. I don't want to be exactly like the fearlessness I had when I was 17. I want to be kind, I want to always respect the authority God has put in my life, and use to discernment of what to do in those situations. I want to be kind and patient, not like a bulldozer. But I want to hear His voice above all the others.
That He is for me, not against me. That He has good things in store for me. That He will fight for me, I just have to lean on Him. Because He is a good father, who knows my future.
It feels good doesn't it?
In closing, this verse: Hebrews 12:1-3
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
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