Fear

When I was 17, I was fearless. I never broke the law or did anything unsafe, however I struggled immensely with poor authority figures in my life. It's quite possible I just didn't have any bad ones in my life until that point. I have always been one who's got along with people, no matter what age, older or younger. In that time, I pushed limits constantly, and my own agenda was the only one that truly mattered. I was kind of like a bulldozer. So yeah, not being like that any more felt like a good life choice.
Being fearless had a positive effect on me as well, this carried into my senior year and into my early college classes. I wrote two papers for two separate English classes, one on the effect of sex education in public schools verses education at home with parents, and the other on postpartum depression specifically in women who had an abortion. The first one my teacher argued with me about the content, still eventually gave me a B. The second, I don't remember my grade but I had to give a presentation to the entire class, I remember feeling kind of nervous, but no where NEAR how would tremble now.

 No fear.

When I was 19 and 20, with starting my new job, my first real life job. I experienced grown adults, twice my age speaking behind my back, instead of to my face, like they were freshly out of high school themselves. I gave the impression, to them that I didn't care about my job and that I had an attitude. It was a process I had to push through. Confrontation with different co-workers, meetings with my boss, etc. When I left that job last year, after being there for almost 7 years, no one believed that I had been under that much scrutiny in the beginning. I believe this was for two reasons, one I was the person that showed most people around when they were new and two I honestly kept a lot of frustrations to myself and dealt with problems by myself. Some of that was maturity, some of that was not trusting the people around me, still with the mindset of "what are people saying behind my back".

I allowed fear to dictate my life.
It's funny because I doubt anyone would look at me and see that. I'm still honest, I'm still open and I work really hard. But still I had thoughts surrounding my mind.

"Don't mess up."
"Don't show weakness."

This was affecting other parts of my life as well.
Music.
 I've been told was "to much" fairly often since I was 15 or so.
It didn't seem to truly affect me until I was turned down for a worship team position a few years ago. I was literally crushed. Even to this day, I know it was God saving me tremendously from a situation that would not have been the right fit for me, I still spent 4 years away from anything to do with leading or being a part of a worship team. I would sit down at a piano and cry, all of the things that were ever said to me about not being good enough would pound out in my head. So much so, I definitely had periods of time where I would believe them.

I believed the lies.

And so in two crushing blows, one against my character and one against my talent, I went on a downward spiral that affected everything. How I saw myself, how I gave up on myself. Through gaining weight, shying away from new situations, trying to fix every broken relationship in my own strength....the list continues.

I began feeling suffocated. I had no inspiration, nothing to really better myself for, no direction. Just "getting though" life, putting my head down and hoping for a better time. To be clear. It hasn't all been a mess. Strong truth of how God can still use you when you feel utterly useless. But most days, before going to sleep, I simply would just not feel good enough.

Now.
27 years old.

Right before my birthday, God was talking to me so much about a next phase of life. The phase of life that to this point I had nothing to compare it to. This wasn't just something out of the blue, knowing that my husband is going to be out of school in a year, that was most definitely something new for our lives. We have been living our lives somewhat in limbo, with dreams on hold, awaiting this time of freedom where we could finally get on with our lives.

Right then, I was challenged by God. He asked me if I was going to spend another year simply just "getting through it", wasting precious time of my life that I would never get back. He asked me, how much longer are you going to keep yourself boxed up in the "not good" enough cage? Why are you afraid to dream? Why are you so tangled up in saying "I can't do this" or "I must still hold on to that"? 

Say yes, and then let go.

Stop being afraid and trust Me more.

You have nothing to be afraid of, because I am with you.

You don't have to make yourself sick over situations, I will redeem them.

You trust Me.

And ever so gently, I've been letting go of more. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting forth effort into things, but I refuse to prove or convince people of anything. I believe you truly can't change other people, they have to believe things for themselves. It's our job to do our best, be teachable and listen.
It's are job to try and put forth effort and not be ashamed when we mess up. It's what keeps us humble. It's our job to question every time we feel or say "I would never be able to do that" with a "Why not?".

The beauty of saying yes to difficult things, to letting go of unhealthy things, even when you think it's impossible; is that you never truly are doing it alone. If you have Jesus, you are never truly alone. Another recent thing that has put a tremendous calm over my soul: even if everyone left me, I would never be alone or empty, not truly, because I know the one who lives within me giving me life. It is my greatest fear to loose the ones I love, and I pray that I never have to. But if that's what happened, He would still be there.

Another amazing thing to saying yes instead of no, taking that risk instead of holding back, fear only becomes a simple emotion. The kind that you look at later and are surprised that something so small could have such a hold on you. I don't want to be exactly like the fearlessness I had when I was 17. I want to be kind, I want to always respect the authority God has put in my life, and use to discernment of what to do in those situations. I want to be kind and patient, not like a bulldozer. But I want to hear His voice above all the others.
That He is for me, not against me. That He has good things in store for me. That He will fight for me, I just have to lean on Him. Because He is a good father, who knows my future.

It feels good doesn't it?

In closing, this verse: Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."