inevitable.

Change is inevitable; growth is optional.
I'm not sure who said that, but I agree with them whole heartedly.
The word inevitable means incapable of being avoided or evaded.

I find it rather ironic that I embraced this phrase a few weeks ago as my own and now it seems I am being called to put it into practice.

I have never done well with change being thrust upon me.
I do like to change things up a little bit, I hate doing the same exact thing over and over. In working out, you're suppossed to change up your routine regularly so your body doesn't get used to the same moves. I like to help other people go through change (haha that amuses me greatly), I like trying new things and challenging myself in different areas.
However, there certain elements of change I have to work hard at not curling into a little ball in the corner to cry.

I think it's Ghandi who says be the change you want to see in the world. No clue really what that means, and I don't really want to...
Of course you should be the one attempting to change your surroundings for the better, but it's nearly impossible for people to change eachother, situations and circumstances just by making a statement like that. Situations change reguardless of people doing anything... and in writing that I feel like I walked off the deep end somewhere. Maybe more on that later? Who knows.

I just found this other quote by Henry David Thereau: "Things do not change: we change."
I'm going to take the liberty to say that "things" are surroundings, situations, houses, cars, etc. You know tangible things. I mean those things "change" but they shouldn't be what is changing us. Change happens from within.
I was talking to someone the other day about how we, personally, can't change people. Only God can, in His own timing. That's the kicker. In His own timing. I am convinced that God is all about His own timing; in fact, I am more than convinced.

These are different levels of change that have been in my head as of the past week or so. The most recent though, questions parts of me that I have walked through, buried, walked through, buried, walked through, buried...you get the idea.
The hardest, most difficult level of change for me has to do with the people I love. I know I'm not alone in this either, so if at anytime during this blog it seems that I am like "woe is me, my world is caving in" blah blah...it's not what I mean.
So yes, the people I love. Change happening such as moving, getting married, best friends getting significant others. Moving is the big one.

In the summer of 2007 I think I had the most transitional time I have had yet. My family decided they were moving to New York, the guy I thought I was going to marry, in my little 18-year-old just graduated heart, changed his mind; in the fall that year I lived with my Aunt and Uncle while my family moved to New York, in the winter of that year I joined them and moved back 5 months later. Major transition. It was so difficult, but I saw God bless each phase of that time so much because I was constantly getting before him, crying, yelling, journaling, singing, ranting, pouting...and sleeping -- just to push through.
That wasn't the first time, I have been adapting to transition for my entire life, it was just the one that is the most prevalent in my mind because I'm sensing such similar emotions right now. P.s. By the way, I'm not moving and neither is my family.

So this change is inevitable.
Bound to happen.
How else would we change and grow.
I believe that change goes hand in hand with seasons. Not the actual seasons, although sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit are parallel with what the weather is doing (wooohoo Cleveland). But seasons of time where we are apart of specific things and the change starts to happen when we are either released from it, or the focus isn't so, lol, focused on that area, or we are being called to step into a higher wrealm of it.
There is time for everything.
So the question is, what season are we in, what is God calling us into (if we are transitioning into a new seaon)?
I am so very grateful that God is so incredibly faithful. This is one of the reasons why I love Him so very much. He teaches me so much about how much He loves me. I love how prepares my heart for the change that will be taking place around the corner. Because He goes before me, gaurds my heart and promises to give me hope for my future. He is so good.
I say all of the things with tears often running down my face, taking deep breaths and allowing little pockets of sunshine penetrate my heavy heart - all acting as a reminder that I can trust my Daddy, in heaven, for the change that He will bring.

As much as I think people use this verse way to much, and I know the song gets stuck in your head because it gets stuck in mine; this verse is very applicable. I want to end with this.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8,11,14-15

what they don't get.

Swirling around thoughts about the opposite sex I have to communicate, because I feel sometimes that all hope is lost with them.

1. Being always agreeable isn't really an attractive trait. No matter how much girls say that just want a guy to tell them they're beautiful, often it doesn't cut it.

2. Never put me in a previous category of what you think a girl is like.

3. Flowers and things are just barely scratching the surface, get creative.

4. If you weigh less than me, it's probably not going to work. I tend to tackle people in hugs and I don't want to run you over.

5. When I'm your friend, I want to be your friend, don't assume anything otherwise, I will tell you if something is different. I am an extremely verbal person.

6. The less you talk, the more interesting you are.

7. When you crack a grin when I do something funny (aka drop something, fall, say something ridiculous), that is the way to earn brownie points. Not laughing obnoxiously loud. I may be funny, but not that funny.

8. I am very detail oriented, I pay attention to little things and appreciate them more than big things.

9. Just because we both love Jesus, doesn't mean it's meant to be.

10. I do not like being pursued when I have not given any indication that's what I want.

11. I know I sound like a control freak ;)

12. When I get pissed, I definitely am, and if you don't ever you kind of loose.

13. Please do not assume because you read everything I post on facebook that you know me. I lived with me for my whole life and I still feel rather clueless

14. I don't like push-overs. I like when a guy can stand his ground.

15. I don't like when people argue to simply argue, it's so dumb, so even a hint of that turns me waaay off.

16. I'm all about tone of voice, shouting really bothers me...even though sometimes I an be the queen of it. It just depends on the setting.

17. Don't try so hard, it looks silly. Be yourself, and don't try to get people to notice you.

18. Just because I like a TV show doesn't mean I'm the type of girl who must see all episodes.

19. I like man movies, possibly more than chick-flicks but not more than disney movies.

20. I should not be able to beat you up ;)

21. Just because I'm nice to you and laugh and smile around you, doesn't mean I'm falling for you.

That's what's up.
Girls are complicated, but don't get caught up on stuff like this. We will always be complicated.

summersummersummersummersummer.

Oh man I'm excited! I felt the need to write a blog about how much summer excites me. I was moping a little bit yesterday because I was realizing that I start my summer classes in a couple days, but then....after getting off work last night... the blast of cool, yet somehow warm, summer air beckoned me to come out. You have no idea how awful it is in the winter to leave work at 11:30 or later and get a slap in the face from the very cold air; which makes it all the more wonderful now that summer has finally come.
More summer things.
I love my nails painted orange. Silly I know, but it makes me happy...it makes me smile.
I took a walk on the beach with my best friend Sunday, laughed really hard at the kids and their parents, all freaking out because no one is used to being on the beach yet. Everyone's in their bathing suits, but no one is going in because the water is freezing. I got a sunburn on my shoulders; something I was trying to avoid this summer (because burning is so bad for your skin), but somehow, it feels more like summer with those red-brown, somewhat tender spots on my shoulders.
We also visited the spot she's getting married at in September. It's this beautiful rustic area with trees we need to figure out to make use of. They didn't really think very well when they made the seats because an entire row is unable to see in front of them, because of a tree. lol. It was so much fun. Kind of felt like a was a little girl, planning away. Only to be constantly brought to the realization that this was real life and we were planning a real event.
It's not scary any more, it's fun. Even though it is a symbol of childhood being over, thinking and talking about weddings and such brings into memory of how we felt about it, planning it so long ago. So in a way, childhood is not totally lost.

First trip to the beach is always a memorable day.
Driving top down is my favorite, and not because I feel cool or anything ridiculous like that. I love the sun beating down, I love the wind, even when it blows my hair in every direction leaving me with knots. I love especially at night, it's so calm and relaxing.
I've been waking up in the morning and spending a couple hours tearing through books I've been planning on reading since spring break. I love waking up to the sun shining.

There's some uncertainty that comes with summer. Particulary the month of June. It's soo busy, so so busy. I want to be able to focus and not get caught up in the rapid speed of everything. I want to lead well.

--Hey now this is my desire, consume me like a fire until I become something beautiful --

Summer is so good. Jesus is better.

That's all I got today.

So I'm sitting, listening to rain on my typical Cleveland street. *Cough* Ohio street, you know where it rains every couple days, just to let us know we live in a really weird weather state. Anyways, I'm sitting, eating dried fruit (even though I know it's not very good for you), contemplating love.
I just watched Hitch. It always makes me think, because as corney as it may sound...or rather read...I love "one-liners" in that movie, because it at least sounds genuine. And it makes me laugh, ridiculously hard.

This weekend, or even week, was so packed. First week off from school, jammmmmm packed with places to go and people to see; but I feel alive and engaged. And that is wonderful. It pulls on my emotions and drains my energy, getting to see everyone, but that's life and I love the people in mine.

So love, it's kind of a funny, ever-changing, different for everyone kind of thing.

I love the married people I know who are either new parents or aren't there yet, who still have that pre-marriage glow.
I love seeing pictures from proms & formals of boyfriend girlfriendness in matching ties & dresses.
I actually really love seeing men/guys who wear a hair-tye around their wrist, just in case their girlfriend/wife may need it eventually.
I love being around my friends who are in love with someone, you can't help but smile and laugh, because that's what it's about right? Loving people, loving to see them be happy.
I know it's not ONLY that of course, but it's part of it.
I can't help it, I love seeing attractive people in pictures together.
I love seeing my brother excited his girlfriend is coming this week to visit!
I've never met her :] and I'm excited too.

I love seeing ex boyfriends happy with their new girlfriends.
There I said it.
And it's true.
I think that's the good kind of love to have for people too. The kind of love that wants the best for them, not to being selfish.
It's probably the hardest thing for me to ever learn. I am a very selfish person. Sometimes I say things that need major tact. I was just saying a few days ago, or acknowledging I have no good thing apart from God.

So with that swirling around in my head, I've also realized that love is serving people and anticipating their needs. I'm not gonna lie, when people do that for me, I melt inside.
Because I love being served, I have to also learn how to love serving others. So not easy, sometimes it is, other times it's really not. And not just serving them, but caring for their needs above your own. Not to the weird, creepy level. The loving and gentleness level.
I have to learn this, backwards and forwards, over and over. It's so important.

I didn't mean to end on such a serious note, or maybe I did and just didn't realize how deeply this sits within my heart.
And that's all I got today.
Love=Servanthood.
It has many other looks, colors, feels and meanings.
But the best, and the most geniune is servanthood.

an older post...

I wrote this the summer I was 18, graduated from highschool, experiencing some seriuos heartache, it so beautiful though to me and is still a reflection of who I am. I thought I would share it with you guys. Enjoy :]
~~~

i.me.she.girl.human.passionate.romantic.loved.bethanysharon.

i am the kind of girl who will dance in the rain or at least spin.

i am the kind of girl who will run around in her room to make sure her sweat clothes match.

i am the kind of girl who will stick with eletronics for the day because it's easy and i can talk to a lot of people + listen to music at the same time[ohh and write blogs]

i am the kind of girl who will close her eyes and worship and forget about everyone else.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't care about what other people think but will ask questions anyways because i still want to know.

i am the kind of girl who runs around in a circle until she figures things out.

i am the kind of girl who eats their words.

i am the kind of girl who would rather have an ice cream date then a fancy one.

i am the kind of girl who loves to be around people i don't have to change for.

i am the kind of the girl who likes getting purposely lost just to spend time and goof off.

i am the kind of girl who loves to drive with the windows down.

i am the kind of girl who can be ready fast but who likes to take her time.

i am the kind of girl who loovvvess chocolate but knows it doesn't make everything better.

i am the kind of girl who likes kisses on the forehead & hands.

i am the kind of girl who wears flip-flops from march-november.

i am the kind of girl who'd rather dance with a scarf then nothing at all.

i am the kind of girl who enjoys beauty, but the natrual kind.

i am the kind of girl who is a girly girl and is not afriad of it.

i am the kind of girl who will cheer for you not play in the game with you.

i am the kind of girl who makes mistakes and pulls back up again, trying harder.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't always think first.

i am the kind of girl who protects those she loves.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't hold many things back.

i am the kind of girl who can get annoying if you spend to much time with me.

i am the kind of girl who wants more than an average life, but who wants to have a simple one.

i am the kind of girl who will sing, but not on the spot generally.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't try to hard.

i am the kind of girl who will cry when it hurts.

i am the kind of girl who will listen to you when it matters.

i am the kind of girl who gets bored and writes long things because she feels contemplative.

lol

and yes i am the kind of girl who writes like crazy.

i am that kind of girl.

i want lots of things. but only get few. i thank God everytime i wake up another morning. i love the sunshine always but know the rain has to come. i hold those close to me hoping they stay around. i try hard, but fail. get puffed up and fall flat on my face. yeahhh that's me. i am a princess in my Daddy's eyes. earthly and heavenly. and thats enough for now.

i am loved...

count downing, waiting, anticipating.

Soooooo.... I have 6 days before is school over.
I'm super stoked, pumped, excited...to put it lightly, I occasionaly break into squeals.
In between reading, and finishing up the rest of school this past week, I have been relaxing a good amount, simply being next week is gonna be like study, breathe, sleep -- and repeat. But the month of May will be a wonderful break before summer classes, and for that I'm really happy.

I have kept from writing in here blog, because there isn't always a need to be a open book, and discretion is needed when having a blog.
God has been showing me pieces of His heart though, and helping me to understand what kind of heart He's given me. Last week, we had this 4 hour learning thing at work, about "relationship based care". It was hard to just sit there and hear someone who wasn't really interested in solving problems, rather push all the old crap under the rug and try something completey new. We did this excersie at the end where we had to share our ideas about how to make our work place better with other people. Everytime I opened my mouth, I was suprised of the amount of conviction that was coming out of my mouth. I went home discouraged because I felt like it was the hardest thing to maintain such conviction in a day in and day out going to work & school.
I feel like I have so many dreams to pursue so many things, but it's not time for most of them. I have to learn to be content, but not stagnant. To trust and rest in His peace, but not become lazy. Ugh, lol.
However, there are moments that I am reminded why I do what I do, why I was made for this time and place. I got to pray with one of my patients this past week, and, as always, it touches me more than they could ever imagine. God is so good, and He has good things in store for me.
Waiting for that is now, but also waiting with anticipation of what is coming. Ultimately, what is coming is heaven. Where there will be more tears, worry, sorrow, confusion...fill in the blank...etc.
At C-Hop we've been singing into John 14:1-3, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

It has been the greatest comfort to me, given me strength to press when I don't feel like anything is worth it. Having the understanding He is in fact preparing a place for me in heaven to be with Him, causes me to believe that now, while He has me on earth He also has good things for me. The second part of that is also believing that the good parts of my life that have passed aren't the only ones. It's a hurdle, and it's about trusting Him. And thanking Him. For my life so far, the moments I wouldn't trade, everything I've learned, every challenge that beckons me to reach for something more.
These things have awaken my heart.
There is more in store ;)
Off to some life.
Later guys <3

one more month...

SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!!
Ask me sometime how excited I am, just ask. You will laugh, because it's so ridiculous.
Thankfully, this last month is already proving to be rewarding, for the first time all semester. I am passing, if not almost passing, everything. I really have been enjoying taking care of my patients, talking to them and learning about ways I can help them. I love the people I go to school with; they are possibly some of the most amusing, ridiculous, intelligent people ever. It's a lot of fun to be in school with them. Lord willing, I will continue to be with them as school continues.

Nursing school is some of the hardest schooling.

Some advice to first semester nursing students:
-Don't ever listen to anyone about not reading, that is a mistake.
-You will be so sick of carrying multiple bags everywhere, so make sure, when you don't have to, don't carry a bag/purse.
-Don't argue to long with teachers, in the end, it probably...like 80% chance, won't change the situation.
-If you do have something to argue, be direct and have clear evidence behind it.
-Don't take anything personally, everyone is tired, frusterated and stressed.
-Bleach wipes remove highlighter stains from white scrubs.
-Eat good food. Drink more water than coffee. Take naps.
-It is possible to survive on 4 hours of sleep, even though your bed is telling you it's not.
-Peanut M&M's are THE best picker-uppers in the middle of the afternoon because of the protein/chocolate combo.
-Wearing boots with scrubs is way more helpful that it is silly.
-Keep blankets in your car, for early morning driving & afternoon naps.
-Take one day at a time, there is no sense stressing about 2 weeks from the point your at.
-You will get sick. Take lots of Vitimin C.
-Honesty is the best policy. If you don't know something, ask.
-Keep your stethoscope near.
-Take days off, de-stress!!!!

And last but not least, praying in the morning helps you push through anything and any level of tiredness. Beautiful it is.

That being said, I'm gonna get back to reading for the night and get ready for class all day tomorrow and the test on Friday. Prayer is always appreciated :]

I can't wait when I have time to write better blogs, but such is my life at the moment.
My Dad made the comment the other day that I don't need a boyfriend, I have school.
Hah thank goodness for school!

Much love :]