stuck in between a place and another place.

Title meaning: I'm not totally sure where I'm stuck in between. I don't think it's a rock...someone else said maybe a brick wall...which would be a hard place...hmm

As evidence by my lack of blogs for two months, my life has spun out of control. Or has spun further into control, meaning that my time is demanded of me regardless if I like it or not. Finding God in the midst of all this chaos has been one of the greatest struggles I have ever faced.
Frusteration, anger. Repeat. Where is the end?
Wrestling as I go along, I cry a lot. I am searching to hear and find God. I don't always listen to music in the car, souly to hear what He's saying to me.
Direction is needed.
I am at a constant state of speaking over myself that I will be found safe in His arms. The only ones that can truely save me.
It's even difficult to poor out my heart right now because I don't always know how I feel.
Positive information: Church has been really speaking to my heart the past two weeks, just on not feeling guilty, like a failure, and being able to lay our burdens down before God. I've had some significant prayer over me too. God is good. Even when everything seems difficult.

After that I can't really go into my rant again huh?
I have been searching, re-evaluating, searching, measuring thoughts. Just even in walking through things I used to talk about doing a certain way, realizing it's so much harder than just me saying it. I look at my life full in the face as each new week starts wondering, what am I going to make of all of this.
Living at home becomes different everytime I turn around. You see quickly how many people still view you as a highschool student. It's such a struggle, becoming an adult. Lots and lots of thinking.
Speaking of thinking...I'm pretty much done. I just finished doing hw and I wanted to write a blog.

Life keeps you guessing, that's what I tip my hat to.

I choose this.

I choose joy over fear.
Life over death.
Confidence over defeat.

Joy in the Lord, for He is my strength.
Living life the way He ordained it from the beginning of time.
Being confident in that His promise preserves my life.

I dunno, the past 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been really struck by the great need to reach for joy. Not happiiness persay, but joy in the fact that Jesus triumphs everytime, that He doesn't live in defeat and neither can I.
There's been a lot of adjustment in my life, some very good, some very hard. Taking things one at a time are so very important. The other thing that's vastly important is to remember that happy = joy. That joy comes straight from Jesus, and actually sometimes that joy comes from great pain. The joy comes when we get in a position of full surrender.
I'm also learning that God is not a God of fear, doubt or worry. Crazy, and you'd think I would have that figured out by now...but God keeps revealing it to me on different levels I guess. Recently, I have had to weed through different people's opinions and really learning the differance between blessing and cursing as well. In the midst of it I have really had to stop and say "wait a second, this is not from God, this doesn't belong to me". It's a process for sure, but I'm glad God remains present.

In other newss....lol
School started back up, it's hard, I really have to buckle down. But I like my teachers and my classmates. It's fun to be back with everyone again. I'm glad some things stay the same.
I have a great boyfriend, it's been such a pleasant surprise. I'm excited to see what comes next for us :]
People are leaving and weddings are coming to play...oh my life is big.

THU-ree

3 more weeks of summer left.
It's so funny, because I knew it would go by this fast, but it still doesn't make it an easy thing to accept. Reguardless, I am happy August is here. I finished my A&P 2 class this morning, which means my summer really is here. August is my favorite summer month too, because, it seems to me that no matter how your summer has gone, there's this element of resolve that takes place once August rolls around. I have resolved several different things for the last few weeks, and it changes my opinion about my summer in general.
I think we all like to hear about other people who have pushed through, and are pleased when we see it in our lives. For me August has always been close to that, the seeing some outcome, and I love it.

I also am a fan of lists. Soo...I will list :]

1. I love thunderstorms. After a hot day, as long as I got to see the sun and run outside, I love when it rains. Last week, the clouds that were in the sky blew my mind. They were fantastic. They came about because of the different storms we had during that week. Although driving in almost hurricane weather is pretty scary...the other night I was convinced my car would start floating.

2. I love wearing hoodies & shorts, it makes me feel very comfy.

3. I love soft clothes - when I wear them, when other people wear them.

4. I love multi-generational things. I decided this while watching Gilmore Girls the other day because the show is about the daughter, mother and grandmother. I just find all the different outlooks on life so interesting.

5. Someday, I will figure out a way to go through the summer without eating ice cream every other day. lol...someday when I move far away from Honey Hut.

6. When I come down from caffiene highs, I can't speak, I make noises, point when I want things and act very bratty.

7. Bratty & aloof have been my most used words recently.

8. I don't think I could be a formal public speaker if my life was on the line. I just laugh and say silly things, mixed with things I mean. It's fun.

9. I like having war wounds on my arms and legs - it makes me feel tough.

10. I love when people realize I'm actually not that tough.


Things I still need to do this summer:
-tan more
-read Captivating & Mere Christianity
-work out 6 days a week (I'm up to 5)
-go camping


Oh summer, I have no desire for you to be over...but life keeps on ticking.

fifteen is a wonderful age.

There's a bunch of fifteen-year-old girls (roughly) down in the day care at the moment throwing a party, "just for fun", for the girls in our neighborhood.
They came over about an hour before they were throwing it, setting up streamers in all girly colors hanging every which way - even from the fan - nail polish of all different colors are lined up on top of the book shelves. All of their own intiative.

Oh how wonderful it is to be fifteen.

I remember the things that mattered to me at fifteen. Spending time with my friends, playing volleyball, seeing all the latest chick flicks (with my besties or my Dad lol), making sure I had a "summer color" nail polish and time in the sun. I worried about spending enough time with God at night, balanced with phone conversations. I made a second go-around of my "list" of the guy I wanted to date, but seemed to spend way more with the ones who were actually my friends (even though I talked the most about the ones I liked). I wrote songs and sang all the time. I didn't think much about the future, not because I didn't care, it just didn't matter.
I didn't have a job, I didn't have lame college professors. None of my close friends had any boyfriends, let a lone were getting married.

Seeing these girls today just gave me, a glimmer of hope, somehow? Maybe even if a backwards way.
Recently, I've been having a hard time finding joy. Joy is one of those words I feel is touchy. I do believe that God is the true giver of joy, nothing satisfies like Him. But even so in serving or worshipping Him - my heart hasn't been leaping. Not to mention the dark cloud that seems to hover over parts of my life, not letting in the sun. That's difficult. And sad. Not happy.
Over this summer I've been learning a lot, but it hasn't been very rewarding. I'm just learning. I haven't seen the flower yet from the growth.

So everything seems to be somewhat difficult.

Seeing these girls today, as I said, gives me reason to believe that God desires to bless my life. These girls are so joyfully pursuing what God has put on their heart, blessing the little girls. They have the time to plan fun things, as often times, when you get older, you loose time to be able to do that.
But God.
He has more up His sleeve. Some way, I have to believe that. That someday again I feel will feel joy.
I am not fifteen any longer, I have worries and cares and deadlines and clock in times, but, someday life won't look like this.
I will choose to trust in what is yet to come.
Even if that's only until heaven one day, it will be my reward.

Thank you Alayna, Abbey, Martha, Heather and Anna for reminding me that life is beautiful and Jesus is a lover. Love you all.

summer recollections.

How to begin this blog. I feel like writing has become a pastime. I rarely even write in my own personal journal (which is very strange). It's been over a month since I sat down and gathered my thoughts in a way where other people could read and understand them.
But here I go.

It's been a trying summer. There's been so much going on, half the things I've chosen to do,the other half that is kind of expected of me. It's my responsibility, I need to be present, etc. Don't get me wrong, it really hasn't been bad, just different. It's been a balance between realizing I can't experiance freedom in my physical life and understanding that freedom comes from the spiritual element of my life - namely Jesus.
To illustrate this thought, I will begin the summer in paragraph form.

The first event of the summer was the Cleveland House of Prayer's Summer Teen Intensive (FYI intensive is not a word, we are aware). It ran Sunday-Saturday and I was able participate in leading, but I also got so much out of it. I built a stronger relationship with the girls mainly during the week, but also the guys. It was a such a joy for me to be able to see each of them walk into an arena, big or small,that they have never been apart of/done before. I felt very priviledged.
During the week, the word that God kept pressing on my heart was stamina. There were two days inparticular he just reminded me that he had given me the stamina, grace and ability to continue through the day, without breaking down or getting overtly frusterated. Taking rest in that was probably the most rewarding part of the week for me. I would definitely do it again, and or something like it anywhere else.

In between STI and Kingslove there was a week that I had off (not from work) and I spent a lot of time with my siblings, as it turned out. Spent a wonderful beach day with my sisters, enjoyed ice cream and driving home in a huge storm then finding out block busters was closing and would sell us cheap movies that we went home and watched. On Friday I packed up Ben, Anna & Grace and we went to the AlIVE Music Festival all day. We got to hear this really awesome band called Tim Be Told in one of the smaller tents, got really muddy, ate waffles off the grill with Adam, Luke & Josh (who were also at ALIVE camping out), sang loudly to David Crowder and left before Skillet blew themselves up on stage (due to all their flames). It was a really fun day, they really enjoyed it. Saturday I went to my class in the morning and we ended at 10 in the morning; I called Dan complaining that we could've gone to ALIVE that morning instead... by 11:30 we were heading out the door to ALIVE once again. We ended up parking like a million miles away, but it was totally worth it.
We got to see Needtobreathe:) favvvooorrriite. And Chris Tomlin & TobyMac :) It was a greeeeeaaaat night!!! So hot, but amazing. The thing that struck me the hardest was that when we were doing worship with Chris Tomlin, there was very few people really engaging during and staying engaged in between songs. I just saw such a clear picture of what the church looks like right now, and it saddened my heart. We were made to worship, Jesus, no one else.

Coming off of that, I had three days of work in a row, then rolled Kingslove.
Kingslove was a wonderful week, I have no complaints. Still, it was a learning process, always a balancing act of switching who's in charge periodically. I think it's so good for the people of God to change roles from time to time. Being in charge takes away from the hands on stuff usually. Which is very difficult for me.
I had a dance group this year, we had beautiful scarves and we danced to "Not to Us" by Chris Tomlin. It amazed me how quickly they learned it, and it was such a blessing to my little heart when they did it at the end.
I can't complain when I'm surrounded by passionate, beautiful, wonderful people. Seeing God move on their hearts in different ways, experiancing Him moving on mine.

I guess there will be another updating blog shortly, but right now, it's time to keep moving.
God is good, He is faithful and perserve my life.

inevitable.

Change is inevitable; growth is optional.
I'm not sure who said that, but I agree with them whole heartedly.
The word inevitable means incapable of being avoided or evaded.

I find it rather ironic that I embraced this phrase a few weeks ago as my own and now it seems I am being called to put it into practice.

I have never done well with change being thrust upon me.
I do like to change things up a little bit, I hate doing the same exact thing over and over. In working out, you're suppossed to change up your routine regularly so your body doesn't get used to the same moves. I like to help other people go through change (haha that amuses me greatly), I like trying new things and challenging myself in different areas.
However, there certain elements of change I have to work hard at not curling into a little ball in the corner to cry.

I think it's Ghandi who says be the change you want to see in the world. No clue really what that means, and I don't really want to...
Of course you should be the one attempting to change your surroundings for the better, but it's nearly impossible for people to change eachother, situations and circumstances just by making a statement like that. Situations change reguardless of people doing anything... and in writing that I feel like I walked off the deep end somewhere. Maybe more on that later? Who knows.

I just found this other quote by Henry David Thereau: "Things do not change: we change."
I'm going to take the liberty to say that "things" are surroundings, situations, houses, cars, etc. You know tangible things. I mean those things "change" but they shouldn't be what is changing us. Change happens from within.
I was talking to someone the other day about how we, personally, can't change people. Only God can, in His own timing. That's the kicker. In His own timing. I am convinced that God is all about His own timing; in fact, I am more than convinced.

These are different levels of change that have been in my head as of the past week or so. The most recent though, questions parts of me that I have walked through, buried, walked through, buried, walked through, buried...you get the idea.
The hardest, most difficult level of change for me has to do with the people I love. I know I'm not alone in this either, so if at anytime during this blog it seems that I am like "woe is me, my world is caving in" blah blah...it's not what I mean.
So yes, the people I love. Change happening such as moving, getting married, best friends getting significant others. Moving is the big one.

In the summer of 2007 I think I had the most transitional time I have had yet. My family decided they were moving to New York, the guy I thought I was going to marry, in my little 18-year-old just graduated heart, changed his mind; in the fall that year I lived with my Aunt and Uncle while my family moved to New York, in the winter of that year I joined them and moved back 5 months later. Major transition. It was so difficult, but I saw God bless each phase of that time so much because I was constantly getting before him, crying, yelling, journaling, singing, ranting, pouting...and sleeping -- just to push through.
That wasn't the first time, I have been adapting to transition for my entire life, it was just the one that is the most prevalent in my mind because I'm sensing such similar emotions right now. P.s. By the way, I'm not moving and neither is my family.

So this change is inevitable.
Bound to happen.
How else would we change and grow.
I believe that change goes hand in hand with seasons. Not the actual seasons, although sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit are parallel with what the weather is doing (wooohoo Cleveland). But seasons of time where we are apart of specific things and the change starts to happen when we are either released from it, or the focus isn't so, lol, focused on that area, or we are being called to step into a higher wrealm of it.
There is time for everything.
So the question is, what season are we in, what is God calling us into (if we are transitioning into a new seaon)?
I am so very grateful that God is so incredibly faithful. This is one of the reasons why I love Him so very much. He teaches me so much about how much He loves me. I love how prepares my heart for the change that will be taking place around the corner. Because He goes before me, gaurds my heart and promises to give me hope for my future. He is so good.
I say all of the things with tears often running down my face, taking deep breaths and allowing little pockets of sunshine penetrate my heavy heart - all acting as a reminder that I can trust my Daddy, in heaven, for the change that He will bring.

As much as I think people use this verse way to much, and I know the song gets stuck in your head because it gets stuck in mine; this verse is very applicable. I want to end with this.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8,11,14-15

what they don't get.

Swirling around thoughts about the opposite sex I have to communicate, because I feel sometimes that all hope is lost with them.

1. Being always agreeable isn't really an attractive trait. No matter how much girls say that just want a guy to tell them they're beautiful, often it doesn't cut it.

2. Never put me in a previous category of what you think a girl is like.

3. Flowers and things are just barely scratching the surface, get creative.

4. If you weigh less than me, it's probably not going to work. I tend to tackle people in hugs and I don't want to run you over.

5. When I'm your friend, I want to be your friend, don't assume anything otherwise, I will tell you if something is different. I am an extremely verbal person.

6. The less you talk, the more interesting you are.

7. When you crack a grin when I do something funny (aka drop something, fall, say something ridiculous), that is the way to earn brownie points. Not laughing obnoxiously loud. I may be funny, but not that funny.

8. I am very detail oriented, I pay attention to little things and appreciate them more than big things.

9. Just because we both love Jesus, doesn't mean it's meant to be.

10. I do not like being pursued when I have not given any indication that's what I want.

11. I know I sound like a control freak ;)

12. When I get pissed, I definitely am, and if you don't ever you kind of loose.

13. Please do not assume because you read everything I post on facebook that you know me. I lived with me for my whole life and I still feel rather clueless

14. I don't like push-overs. I like when a guy can stand his ground.

15. I don't like when people argue to simply argue, it's so dumb, so even a hint of that turns me waaay off.

16. I'm all about tone of voice, shouting really bothers me...even though sometimes I an be the queen of it. It just depends on the setting.

17. Don't try so hard, it looks silly. Be yourself, and don't try to get people to notice you.

18. Just because I like a TV show doesn't mean I'm the type of girl who must see all episodes.

19. I like man movies, possibly more than chick-flicks but not more than disney movies.

20. I should not be able to beat you up ;)

21. Just because I'm nice to you and laugh and smile around you, doesn't mean I'm falling for you.

That's what's up.
Girls are complicated, but don't get caught up on stuff like this. We will always be complicated.