Hello everyone, phew I know it's been a little while. Sometimes I hit walls and I just don't know how to even process my own thoughts, let alone put them up for other people to read. However, this past week something has really resonated in my heart and stirred up some strong emotion; practically begging me to tell someone. So here we go.
I recently heard a statement, "well if it isn't working out for you, there's no hope for any of us." Now, that isn't the first time I have ever heard that, and definitely not the first time I ever felt that.
I truely appreciate if you are a guy reading this, and I know this statement could be taken in a lot of different directions, but right now, my heart is for women and some of the thoughts I've heard, felt and said surrounding this statement.
From the time I was about 12-13 years old, when boys became more than little friends or childhood crushes, something was installed in my brain that the most epic and desired romance of my life was that I should be chased, pursued, won and finally married by a man of God.
Maybe you didn't grow up that way, but maybe you did.
Through the teenage years it was a battle. A battle of emotions, self-worth, not measuring up, being to much, not pretty enough -- the guy not being the honest, strong man you believed him to be. Falling in-love with their potential instead of reality. Broken hearts, slashed dreams and lots of questions as a result.
Make your own list, everyone has a story of where they have been let down.
Regardless of how wishy-washy and silly it sounds, most women have some kind of fantasy as a little girl and it somehow gets demolished as we move in to adulthood.
(have I said props to you if your a guy reading this yet?)
My thoughts of this week really came together when I found out that Rebecca St. James finally found the man she wrote that song for, however many years ago. He "waited" for her. My immediate reaction was "oh good, because if it didn't work out for her, how many dreams of women who have taken that song into full reality would be crushed and totally lost heart."
Yeah. I even surprised myself with that one. I mentally smacked my own hand because that is a terrible way to think about life and situations.
There have been wonderful, beautiful amazing women in my life from the time I was born and when even just one of them don't seem like they are going to get married my thoughts go to: "man, if she doesn't get married it makes me want to question so many things. How can you not get a husband and get married when you spend your whole life devoted to Jesus and save yourself entirely for a man?"
I'm currently reading "Falling in love with Jesus" by Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli. My Mom gave it to me about 4 years ago, right after a very significant break up in my life that left me devastated. As you can see, it took me this long to open it up and read more than a chapter in it. I think it's because in the Christian world we are given two things to try to band-aid up our broken hearts.
(p.s. I am in love with this book, so many things have hit home for me while reading it and I would suggest it to anyone, I'm addressing the attitude I once had about it.)
The two things are this: 1) Fall in love with Jesus, don't worry about anything else, just put your full focus on Him, 2) Wait for your future husband, because he's out there, pray for him, think about him, dream about the man who will one day come for you.
I am not mocking or knocking these two things, but I have been fed that my whole life and I NEVER FULLY BOUGHT IT. I have been wrestling with why I have never bought it. Sure, I pray and write to my future husband, I've also constantly laid down my little hearts desires and told God he could do whatever he wanted with them.
And yet, I would look at people's lives who weren't married and I thought should be married and would think "man, I hope it works out for them because otherwise, there's definitely no hope for me."
How does that thought a line with waiting for the right one and falling in love with Jesus? To me, that just speaks fear, frustration and a mistrust in God. I think it's a smack in the face actually.
How did I come to terms with that? Well it's still a learning process, let me assure you, and I think it will always be.
Over the past year and a half, God has been en-graining something in me, so deeply that I understand more and more through almost every situation in my life. I have learned that God is a creative creator. He would NEVER do something the exact same way in people lives. How can I possibly compare what God is doing in other people lives to my own? Do I not trust that HE is on the throne and HE has GREAT plans all of His own for my life?
You cannot shorten His hand and say that He isn't doing things in your life or in other people's life the way He was supposed to.
How can we say there is no hope?
If you stand and believe that Jesus Christ is your Lord,that He is the creator and master of your life - there is ALWAYS hope.
I am tired to being discouraged in myself based on other people's situations, and I am done with other women comparing themselves to the "perfect picture" they desire for their lives and being constantly let down because they either never taste it or they get that "perfection" and find it isn't perfect.
As I am challenging others, I am most definitely challenging myself. Our lives cannot depend on what were not getting and what we see other people getting.
Beautiful, treasured women of God; don't settle for anyone else's life. Choose to trust that God has a plan and don't be afraid if it looks different.
Go on the trips, lead the worship team, start a small group, write a book, sing your songs. If there is a man, great! If there isn't, great!
In Romans 8:28 it says: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."
It doesn't say some things will bekind of nice if we chose to love Jesus. No, it says EVERYTHING for the GOOD of those who love Him. And I believe that truly loving Him automatically goes with trusting Him.
So trust Him, trust Him to move in incredible ways in your life, not based on anyone else's life. He has special things for you personally and He is VERY creative.
That's it guys, have a blessed day :]
May 12, 2011
February 21, 2011
peace & love
Oh my, February is almost over. This past week we had a little break from all the snow and the ice and the cold...and then it came right on back. Not so fast spring, it's still winter! It's okay though, cuz that's what boots were made for :]
My goal at the moment is to write a blog a month. I was just realizing how different life is, how much I live my life month to month, instead of event to event like I used to. Even with scrap booking, I just finished my one from last year and then one for this year if just going to look different than my other ones have, because a new phase of life is hitting. Weddings, babies, engagements, etc. You know the drill.
So many people told me that there would be this phase of my life where everyone was getting married and having babies, it's crazy to see it all come into play. Exciting too :]
This month for me has been a lot of about searching to find peace and learning how to love. My life is slightly crazy right now, my family is about to change because my Grandma is moving in. Our house is changing in prepration for her. The kids are a part of my activities and we're currently balancing two vehicles. I am working more which is good for the pocket but not always good for the mind. I am working on getting back into to school, but it's not a picnic.
Trying to find peace in chaos is hhhhhharrrrrrrddd. Taking time with Jesus, medidating on His word and writing down my thoughts is hard!! When you have a mini list buzzing around in your head almost constantly of where your money should go and who you need to take where. I definitely can't do it a lone. That's where I find my peace. Knowing that Jesus is in control, not me. It's not always fun that way either, but it's the only thing I can do.
Ahem, love. Yes, yes February is the "love" month. I have known this my whole life because my birthday begins this month and there is already pink and red everything every where. What I have really found this month though is that I need to love like Jesus does. No brainer right? Oh well lol. I need to love withough expecting anything in return. It's the hardest thing because you don't know if you will ever be loved back. But it's not the point of loving. Crazy huh? I think so! Granted, I have a lot of people who love me, who show me, who tell me, etc. But even then, people can't love you perfectly either. Flip-side of the coin. You can't love perfectly, people can't love you perfectly.
I am so thankful I serve a God who gives countless amount of grace, because I am asking him to change my heart, and speak truth and true love into my heart. So that when I pour out of my own heart, it's really just pouring out the love He has already placed there, which I never come up empty in if I ask for it.
If you're reading this right now, or if you think about it later, pray for me in these areas. It's so hard, but I desire to know the peace of God and to feel His love for me.
Love you guys :]
My goal at the moment is to write a blog a month. I was just realizing how different life is, how much I live my life month to month, instead of event to event like I used to. Even with scrap booking, I just finished my one from last year and then one for this year if just going to look different than my other ones have, because a new phase of life is hitting. Weddings, babies, engagements, etc. You know the drill.
So many people told me that there would be this phase of my life where everyone was getting married and having babies, it's crazy to see it all come into play. Exciting too :]
This month for me has been a lot of about searching to find peace and learning how to love. My life is slightly crazy right now, my family is about to change because my Grandma is moving in. Our house is changing in prepration for her. The kids are a part of my activities and we're currently balancing two vehicles. I am working more which is good for the pocket but not always good for the mind. I am working on getting back into to school, but it's not a picnic.
Trying to find peace in chaos is hhhhhharrrrrrrddd. Taking time with Jesus, medidating on His word and writing down my thoughts is hard!! When you have a mini list buzzing around in your head almost constantly of where your money should go and who you need to take where. I definitely can't do it a lone. That's where I find my peace. Knowing that Jesus is in control, not me. It's not always fun that way either, but it's the only thing I can do.
Ahem, love. Yes, yes February is the "love" month. I have known this my whole life because my birthday begins this month and there is already pink and red everything every where. What I have really found this month though is that I need to love like Jesus does. No brainer right? Oh well lol. I need to love withough expecting anything in return. It's the hardest thing because you don't know if you will ever be loved back. But it's not the point of loving. Crazy huh? I think so! Granted, I have a lot of people who love me, who show me, who tell me, etc. But even then, people can't love you perfectly either. Flip-side of the coin. You can't love perfectly, people can't love you perfectly.
I am so thankful I serve a God who gives countless amount of grace, because I am asking him to change my heart, and speak truth and true love into my heart. So that when I pour out of my own heart, it's really just pouring out the love He has already placed there, which I never come up empty in if I ask for it.
If you're reading this right now, or if you think about it later, pray for me in these areas. It's so hard, but I desire to know the peace of God and to feel His love for me.
Love you guys :]
January 2, 2011
oh this life.
Can you believe it, the year is already over. And on to another...phew. I feel like the older I get, the faster it goes. I hate that lol.
However, 2010 was a crazy, learning, shaping, stretching, constantly being over-tired....year. Very thankful it's over, very thankful it came.
On re-capping this year, I definitely, to sum it up in a few words, learned how to act in different roles this year. I think that's what really stood out to me, and honestly I think I have only just realized this within the last couple weeks.
I learned a lot about not being jealous about what other people have. It's very hard, it's like a constant putting yourself in check thing. Very early on this year, I would be talking to God and be like "why can't I have that? That was in my heart too". It's so funny how we tell God specifically what we want, and He already knows lol. I have learned, and still am learning, that God has specifics for me. Like he designed my life just for me, not anyone else. And that is the life I want to and need to desire for myself.
Learning about the balance of school was definitely the hardest part, after failing my second semester, I definitely know that I want to approach it differently next time. I will say though there were some very victorious moments related to school over this year. Some tests that I just thought were not possible to pass this year, were passed. Resting in Jesus' arms, I am secure that these next 4-5 months are to be focused on something else other than the rampage of school.
I got to be the "big kid" a lot this year, either taking my siblings somewhere or being a Teen Intensive Leader and C-HOP, just being able to look above my needs and pay attention to others. Again, that balance of letting people still take care of me was interesting. Just learning, a lot of learning. It wasn't all hard either, I have learned that I love watching people grow and learn in their own development, seeing and hearing what God is doing in their heart. It's such a blessing.
I planned a wedding this year, or helped plan one. That was definitely new, and scary sometimes. It makes you look real life full in the face. I really appreciated it because it opened my eyes to a lot things about marriage and family I didn't really understand up to this point. That it really isn't a fantasy, it's real life. I learned that those elements of real life need God as much as every other part. You need a lot more than love to make the world go around.
Something I was reading in my journal that really blessed me about this year was, in the last month of summer a group of teenagers from Illinois, some of which I met going on 3 years ago when I spent a month out there, came and did a week of outreach with my family and our ministry. I got to see, right before my eyes, fruit from time and work that I had helped install into these kids 2 plus years ago. I felt God so clearly tell me the first night they were with us, that nothing I had prayed for those kids had ever been prayed in vain. That He had heard everything I said. It was an amazing encouragement.
I think, as I do every year, I'm learning more and more about love. Not just romance, but not excluding it either. Something I have known for a long time is that love is not an emotion. I know that people in my life can still have a hard time with me and still love me. That's a good thing. It's important to find people that you love that way and love you back that way. It's a tall order, and I thank God for those people in my life. Never have been more thankful for those people.
I feel very privileged that I have found a man who can love me like that. For best friends who love me like that. These people love Jesus and desire to love the way He loves. It's crazy and it blows my socks off.
I get very reminiscent this time of year, so I could probably continue for a while, but I'm not going to.
Main points: learning about different roles, fighting jealously with having faith God knows what's best for me, balancing school, being a big kid, planning a marriage not just a wedding, God confirming prayers that have long ago been focused on, learning about real love.
God is so good, I'm excited for what He has next and I wait in anticipation to see what He will do.
Happy New Year!! :]
However, 2010 was a crazy, learning, shaping, stretching, constantly being over-tired....year. Very thankful it's over, very thankful it came.
On re-capping this year, I definitely, to sum it up in a few words, learned how to act in different roles this year. I think that's what really stood out to me, and honestly I think I have only just realized this within the last couple weeks.
I learned a lot about not being jealous about what other people have. It's very hard, it's like a constant putting yourself in check thing. Very early on this year, I would be talking to God and be like "why can't I have that? That was in my heart too". It's so funny how we tell God specifically what we want, and He already knows lol. I have learned, and still am learning, that God has specifics for me. Like he designed my life just for me, not anyone else. And that is the life I want to and need to desire for myself.
Learning about the balance of school was definitely the hardest part, after failing my second semester, I definitely know that I want to approach it differently next time. I will say though there were some very victorious moments related to school over this year. Some tests that I just thought were not possible to pass this year, were passed. Resting in Jesus' arms, I am secure that these next 4-5 months are to be focused on something else other than the rampage of school.
I got to be the "big kid" a lot this year, either taking my siblings somewhere or being a Teen Intensive Leader and C-HOP, just being able to look above my needs and pay attention to others. Again, that balance of letting people still take care of me was interesting. Just learning, a lot of learning. It wasn't all hard either, I have learned that I love watching people grow and learn in their own development, seeing and hearing what God is doing in their heart. It's such a blessing.
I planned a wedding this year, or helped plan one. That was definitely new, and scary sometimes. It makes you look real life full in the face. I really appreciated it because it opened my eyes to a lot things about marriage and family I didn't really understand up to this point. That it really isn't a fantasy, it's real life. I learned that those elements of real life need God as much as every other part. You need a lot more than love to make the world go around.
Something I was reading in my journal that really blessed me about this year was, in the last month of summer a group of teenagers from Illinois, some of which I met going on 3 years ago when I spent a month out there, came and did a week of outreach with my family and our ministry. I got to see, right before my eyes, fruit from time and work that I had helped install into these kids 2 plus years ago. I felt God so clearly tell me the first night they were with us, that nothing I had prayed for those kids had ever been prayed in vain. That He had heard everything I said. It was an amazing encouragement.
I think, as I do every year, I'm learning more and more about love. Not just romance, but not excluding it either. Something I have known for a long time is that love is not an emotion. I know that people in my life can still have a hard time with me and still love me. That's a good thing. It's important to find people that you love that way and love you back that way. It's a tall order, and I thank God for those people in my life. Never have been more thankful for those people.
I feel very privileged that I have found a man who can love me like that. For best friends who love me like that. These people love Jesus and desire to love the way He loves. It's crazy and it blows my socks off.
I get very reminiscent this time of year, so I could probably continue for a while, but I'm not going to.
Main points: learning about different roles, fighting jealously with having faith God knows what's best for me, balancing school, being a big kid, planning a marriage not just a wedding, God confirming prayers that have long ago been focused on, learning about real love.
God is so good, I'm excited for what He has next and I wait in anticipation to see what He will do.
Happy New Year!! :]
November 1, 2010
stuck in between a place and another place.
Title meaning: I'm not totally sure where I'm stuck in between. I don't think it's a rock...someone else said maybe a brick wall...which would be a hard place...hmm
As evidence by my lack of blogs for two months, my life has spun out of control. Or has spun further into control, meaning that my time is demanded of me regardless if I like it or not. Finding God in the midst of all this chaos has been one of the greatest struggles I have ever faced.
Frusteration, anger. Repeat. Where is the end?
Wrestling as I go along, I cry a lot. I am searching to hear and find God. I don't always listen to music in the car, souly to hear what He's saying to me.
Direction is needed.
I am at a constant state of speaking over myself that I will be found safe in His arms. The only ones that can truely save me.
It's even difficult to poor out my heart right now because I don't always know how I feel.
Positive information: Church has been really speaking to my heart the past two weeks, just on not feeling guilty, like a failure, and being able to lay our burdens down before God. I've had some significant prayer over me too. God is good. Even when everything seems difficult.
After that I can't really go into my rant again huh?
I have been searching, re-evaluating, searching, measuring thoughts. Just even in walking through things I used to talk about doing a certain way, realizing it's so much harder than just me saying it. I look at my life full in the face as each new week starts wondering, what am I going to make of all of this.
Living at home becomes different everytime I turn around. You see quickly how many people still view you as a highschool student. It's such a struggle, becoming an adult. Lots and lots of thinking.
Speaking of thinking...I'm pretty much done. I just finished doing hw and I wanted to write a blog.
Life keeps you guessing, that's what I tip my hat to.
As evidence by my lack of blogs for two months, my life has spun out of control. Or has spun further into control, meaning that my time is demanded of me regardless if I like it or not. Finding God in the midst of all this chaos has been one of the greatest struggles I have ever faced.
Frusteration, anger. Repeat. Where is the end?
Wrestling as I go along, I cry a lot. I am searching to hear and find God. I don't always listen to music in the car, souly to hear what He's saying to me.
Direction is needed.
I am at a constant state of speaking over myself that I will be found safe in His arms. The only ones that can truely save me.
It's even difficult to poor out my heart right now because I don't always know how I feel.
Positive information: Church has been really speaking to my heart the past two weeks, just on not feeling guilty, like a failure, and being able to lay our burdens down before God. I've had some significant prayer over me too. God is good. Even when everything seems difficult.
After that I can't really go into my rant again huh?
I have been searching, re-evaluating, searching, measuring thoughts. Just even in walking through things I used to talk about doing a certain way, realizing it's so much harder than just me saying it. I look at my life full in the face as each new week starts wondering, what am I going to make of all of this.
Living at home becomes different everytime I turn around. You see quickly how many people still view you as a highschool student. It's such a struggle, becoming an adult. Lots and lots of thinking.
Speaking of thinking...I'm pretty much done. I just finished doing hw and I wanted to write a blog.
Life keeps you guessing, that's what I tip my hat to.
September 8, 2010
I choose this.
I choose joy over fear.
Life over death.
Confidence over defeat.
Joy in the Lord, for He is my strength.
Living life the way He ordained it from the beginning of time.
Being confident in that His promise preserves my life.
I dunno, the past 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been really struck by the great need to reach for joy. Not happiiness persay, but joy in the fact that Jesus triumphs everytime, that He doesn't live in defeat and neither can I.
There's been a lot of adjustment in my life, some very good, some very hard. Taking things one at a time are so very important. The other thing that's vastly important is to remember that happy = joy. That joy comes straight from Jesus, and actually sometimes that joy comes from great pain. The joy comes when we get in a position of full surrender.
I'm also learning that God is not a God of fear, doubt or worry. Crazy, and you'd think I would have that figured out by now...but God keeps revealing it to me on different levels I guess. Recently, I have had to weed through different people's opinions and really learning the differance between blessing and cursing as well. In the midst of it I have really had to stop and say "wait a second, this is not from God, this doesn't belong to me". It's a process for sure, but I'm glad God remains present.
In other newss....lol
School started back up, it's hard, I really have to buckle down. But I like my teachers and my classmates. It's fun to be back with everyone again. I'm glad some things stay the same.
I have a great boyfriend, it's been such a pleasant surprise. I'm excited to see what comes next for us :]
People are leaving and weddings are coming to play...oh my life is big.
Life over death.
Confidence over defeat.
Joy in the Lord, for He is my strength.
Living life the way He ordained it from the beginning of time.
Being confident in that His promise preserves my life.
I dunno, the past 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been really struck by the great need to reach for joy. Not happiiness persay, but joy in the fact that Jesus triumphs everytime, that He doesn't live in defeat and neither can I.
There's been a lot of adjustment in my life, some very good, some very hard. Taking things one at a time are so very important. The other thing that's vastly important is to remember that happy = joy. That joy comes straight from Jesus, and actually sometimes that joy comes from great pain. The joy comes when we get in a position of full surrender.
I'm also learning that God is not a God of fear, doubt or worry. Crazy, and you'd think I would have that figured out by now...but God keeps revealing it to me on different levels I guess. Recently, I have had to weed through different people's opinions and really learning the differance between blessing and cursing as well. In the midst of it I have really had to stop and say "wait a second, this is not from God, this doesn't belong to me". It's a process for sure, but I'm glad God remains present.
In other newss....lol
School started back up, it's hard, I really have to buckle down. But I like my teachers and my classmates. It's fun to be back with everyone again. I'm glad some things stay the same.
I have a great boyfriend, it's been such a pleasant surprise. I'm excited to see what comes next for us :]
People are leaving and weddings are coming to play...oh my life is big.
August 7, 2010
THU-ree
3 more weeks of summer left.
It's so funny, because I knew it would go by this fast, but it still doesn't make it an easy thing to accept. Reguardless, I am happy August is here. I finished my A&P 2 class this morning, which means my summer really is here. August is my favorite summer month too, because, it seems to me that no matter how your summer has gone, there's this element of resolve that takes place once August rolls around. I have resolved several different things for the last few weeks, and it changes my opinion about my summer in general.
I think we all like to hear about other people who have pushed through, and are pleased when we see it in our lives. For me August has always been close to that, the seeing some outcome, and I love it.
I also am a fan of lists. Soo...I will list :]
1. I love thunderstorms. After a hot day, as long as I got to see the sun and run outside, I love when it rains. Last week, the clouds that were in the sky blew my mind. They were fantastic. They came about because of the different storms we had during that week. Although driving in almost hurricane weather is pretty scary...the other night I was convinced my car would start floating.
2. I love wearing hoodies & shorts, it makes me feel very comfy.
3. I love soft clothes - when I wear them, when other people wear them.
4. I love multi-generational things. I decided this while watching Gilmore Girls the other day because the show is about the daughter, mother and grandmother. I just find all the different outlooks on life so interesting.
5. Someday, I will figure out a way to go through the summer without eating ice cream every other day. lol...someday when I move far away from Honey Hut.
6. When I come down from caffiene highs, I can't speak, I make noises, point when I want things and act very bratty.
7. Bratty & aloof have been my most used words recently.
8. I don't think I could be a formal public speaker if my life was on the line. I just laugh and say silly things, mixed with things I mean. It's fun.
9. I like having war wounds on my arms and legs - it makes me feel tough.
10. I love when people realize I'm actually not that tough.
Things I still need to do this summer:
-tan more
-read Captivating & Mere Christianity
-work out 6 days a week (I'm up to 5)
-go camping
Oh summer, I have no desire for you to be over...but life keeps on ticking.
It's so funny, because I knew it would go by this fast, but it still doesn't make it an easy thing to accept. Reguardless, I am happy August is here. I finished my A&P 2 class this morning, which means my summer really is here. August is my favorite summer month too, because, it seems to me that no matter how your summer has gone, there's this element of resolve that takes place once August rolls around. I have resolved several different things for the last few weeks, and it changes my opinion about my summer in general.
I think we all like to hear about other people who have pushed through, and are pleased when we see it in our lives. For me August has always been close to that, the seeing some outcome, and I love it.
I also am a fan of lists. Soo...I will list :]
1. I love thunderstorms. After a hot day, as long as I got to see the sun and run outside, I love when it rains. Last week, the clouds that were in the sky blew my mind. They were fantastic. They came about because of the different storms we had during that week. Although driving in almost hurricane weather is pretty scary...the other night I was convinced my car would start floating.
2. I love wearing hoodies & shorts, it makes me feel very comfy.
3. I love soft clothes - when I wear them, when other people wear them.
4. I love multi-generational things. I decided this while watching Gilmore Girls the other day because the show is about the daughter, mother and grandmother. I just find all the different outlooks on life so interesting.
5. Someday, I will figure out a way to go through the summer without eating ice cream every other day. lol...someday when I move far away from Honey Hut.
6. When I come down from caffiene highs, I can't speak, I make noises, point when I want things and act very bratty.
7. Bratty & aloof have been my most used words recently.
8. I don't think I could be a formal public speaker if my life was on the line. I just laugh and say silly things, mixed with things I mean. It's fun.
9. I like having war wounds on my arms and legs - it makes me feel tough.
10. I love when people realize I'm actually not that tough.
Things I still need to do this summer:
-tan more
-read Captivating & Mere Christianity
-work out 6 days a week (I'm up to 5)
-go camping
Oh summer, I have no desire for you to be over...but life keeps on ticking.
July 21, 2010
fifteen is a wonderful age.
There's a bunch of fifteen-year-old girls (roughly) down in the day care at the moment throwing a party, "just for fun", for the girls in our neighborhood.
They came over about an hour before they were throwing it, setting up streamers in all girly colors hanging every which way - even from the fan - nail polish of all different colors are lined up on top of the book shelves. All of their own intiative.
Oh how wonderful it is to be fifteen.
I remember the things that mattered to me at fifteen. Spending time with my friends, playing volleyball, seeing all the latest chick flicks (with my besties or my Dad lol), making sure I had a "summer color" nail polish and time in the sun. I worried about spending enough time with God at night, balanced with phone conversations. I made a second go-around of my "list" of the guy I wanted to date, but seemed to spend way more with the ones who were actually my friends (even though I talked the most about the ones I liked). I wrote songs and sang all the time. I didn't think much about the future, not because I didn't care, it just didn't matter.
I didn't have a job, I didn't have lame college professors. None of my close friends had any boyfriends, let a lone were getting married.
Seeing these girls today just gave me, a glimmer of hope, somehow? Maybe even if a backwards way.
Recently, I've been having a hard time finding joy. Joy is one of those words I feel is touchy. I do believe that God is the true giver of joy, nothing satisfies like Him. But even so in serving or worshipping Him - my heart hasn't been leaping. Not to mention the dark cloud that seems to hover over parts of my life, not letting in the sun. That's difficult. And sad. Not happy.
Over this summer I've been learning a lot, but it hasn't been very rewarding. I'm just learning. I haven't seen the flower yet from the growth.
So everything seems to be somewhat difficult.
Seeing these girls today, as I said, gives me reason to believe that God desires to bless my life. These girls are so joyfully pursuing what God has put on their heart, blessing the little girls. They have the time to plan fun things, as often times, when you get older, you loose time to be able to do that.
But God.
He has more up His sleeve. Some way, I have to believe that. That someday again I feel will feel joy.
I am not fifteen any longer, I have worries and cares and deadlines and clock in times, but, someday life won't look like this.
I will choose to trust in what is yet to come.
Even if that's only until heaven one day, it will be my reward.
Thank you Alayna, Abbey, Martha, Heather and Anna for reminding me that life is beautiful and Jesus is a lover. Love you all.
They came over about an hour before they were throwing it, setting up streamers in all girly colors hanging every which way - even from the fan - nail polish of all different colors are lined up on top of the book shelves. All of their own intiative.
Oh how wonderful it is to be fifteen.
I remember the things that mattered to me at fifteen. Spending time with my friends, playing volleyball, seeing all the latest chick flicks (with my besties or my Dad lol), making sure I had a "summer color" nail polish and time in the sun. I worried about spending enough time with God at night, balanced with phone conversations. I made a second go-around of my "list" of the guy I wanted to date, but seemed to spend way more with the ones who were actually my friends (even though I talked the most about the ones I liked). I wrote songs and sang all the time. I didn't think much about the future, not because I didn't care, it just didn't matter.
I didn't have a job, I didn't have lame college professors. None of my close friends had any boyfriends, let a lone were getting married.
Seeing these girls today just gave me, a glimmer of hope, somehow? Maybe even if a backwards way.
Recently, I've been having a hard time finding joy. Joy is one of those words I feel is touchy. I do believe that God is the true giver of joy, nothing satisfies like Him. But even so in serving or worshipping Him - my heart hasn't been leaping. Not to mention the dark cloud that seems to hover over parts of my life, not letting in the sun. That's difficult. And sad. Not happy.
Over this summer I've been learning a lot, but it hasn't been very rewarding. I'm just learning. I haven't seen the flower yet from the growth.
So everything seems to be somewhat difficult.
Seeing these girls today, as I said, gives me reason to believe that God desires to bless my life. These girls are so joyfully pursuing what God has put on their heart, blessing the little girls. They have the time to plan fun things, as often times, when you get older, you loose time to be able to do that.
But God.
He has more up His sleeve. Some way, I have to believe that. That someday again I feel will feel joy.
I am not fifteen any longer, I have worries and cares and deadlines and clock in times, but, someday life won't look like this.
I will choose to trust in what is yet to come.
Even if that's only until heaven one day, it will be my reward.
Thank you Alayna, Abbey, Martha, Heather and Anna for reminding me that life is beautiful and Jesus is a lover. Love you all.
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