Fear

When I was 17, I was fearless. I never broke the law or did anything unsafe, however I struggled immensely with poor authority figures in my life. It's quite possible I just didn't have any bad ones in my life until that point. I have always been one who's got along with people, no matter what age, older or younger. In that time, I pushed limits constantly, and my own agenda was the only one that truly mattered. I was kind of like a bulldozer. So yeah, not being like that any more felt like a good life choice.
Being fearless had a positive effect on me as well, this carried into my senior year and into my early college classes. I wrote two papers for two separate English classes, one on the effect of sex education in public schools verses education at home with parents, and the other on postpartum depression specifically in women who had an abortion. The first one my teacher argued with me about the content, still eventually gave me a B. The second, I don't remember my grade but I had to give a presentation to the entire class, I remember feeling kind of nervous, but no where NEAR how would tremble now.

 No fear.

When I was 19 and 20, with starting my new job, my first real life job. I experienced grown adults, twice my age speaking behind my back, instead of to my face, like they were freshly out of high school themselves. I gave the impression, to them that I didn't care about my job and that I had an attitude. It was a process I had to push through. Confrontation with different co-workers, meetings with my boss, etc. When I left that job last year, after being there for almost 7 years, no one believed that I had been under that much scrutiny in the beginning. I believe this was for two reasons, one I was the person that showed most people around when they were new and two I honestly kept a lot of frustrations to myself and dealt with problems by myself. Some of that was maturity, some of that was not trusting the people around me, still with the mindset of "what are people saying behind my back".

I allowed fear to dictate my life.
It's funny because I doubt anyone would look at me and see that. I'm still honest, I'm still open and I work really hard. But still I had thoughts surrounding my mind.

"Don't mess up."
"Don't show weakness."

This was affecting other parts of my life as well.
Music.
 I've been told was "to much" fairly often since I was 15 or so.
It didn't seem to truly affect me until I was turned down for a worship team position a few years ago. I was literally crushed. Even to this day, I know it was God saving me tremendously from a situation that would not have been the right fit for me, I still spent 4 years away from anything to do with leading or being a part of a worship team. I would sit down at a piano and cry, all of the things that were ever said to me about not being good enough would pound out in my head. So much so, I definitely had periods of time where I would believe them.

I believed the lies.

And so in two crushing blows, one against my character and one against my talent, I went on a downward spiral that affected everything. How I saw myself, how I gave up on myself. Through gaining weight, shying away from new situations, trying to fix every broken relationship in my own strength....the list continues.

I began feeling suffocated. I had no inspiration, nothing to really better myself for, no direction. Just "getting though" life, putting my head down and hoping for a better time. To be clear. It hasn't all been a mess. Strong truth of how God can still use you when you feel utterly useless. But most days, before going to sleep, I simply would just not feel good enough.

Now.
27 years old.

Right before my birthday, God was talking to me so much about a next phase of life. The phase of life that to this point I had nothing to compare it to. This wasn't just something out of the blue, knowing that my husband is going to be out of school in a year, that was most definitely something new for our lives. We have been living our lives somewhat in limbo, with dreams on hold, awaiting this time of freedom where we could finally get on with our lives.

Right then, I was challenged by God. He asked me if I was going to spend another year simply just "getting through it", wasting precious time of my life that I would never get back. He asked me, how much longer are you going to keep yourself boxed up in the "not good" enough cage? Why are you afraid to dream? Why are you so tangled up in saying "I can't do this" or "I must still hold on to that"? 

Say yes, and then let go.

Stop being afraid and trust Me more.

You have nothing to be afraid of, because I am with you.

You don't have to make yourself sick over situations, I will redeem them.

You trust Me.

And ever so gently, I've been letting go of more. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting forth effort into things, but I refuse to prove or convince people of anything. I believe you truly can't change other people, they have to believe things for themselves. It's our job to do our best, be teachable and listen.
It's are job to try and put forth effort and not be ashamed when we mess up. It's what keeps us humble. It's our job to question every time we feel or say "I would never be able to do that" with a "Why not?".

The beauty of saying yes to difficult things, to letting go of unhealthy things, even when you think it's impossible; is that you never truly are doing it alone. If you have Jesus, you are never truly alone. Another recent thing that has put a tremendous calm over my soul: even if everyone left me, I would never be alone or empty, not truly, because I know the one who lives within me giving me life. It is my greatest fear to loose the ones I love, and I pray that I never have to. But if that's what happened, He would still be there.

Another amazing thing to saying yes instead of no, taking that risk instead of holding back, fear only becomes a simple emotion. The kind that you look at later and are surprised that something so small could have such a hold on you. I don't want to be exactly like the fearlessness I had when I was 17. I want to be kind, I want to always respect the authority God has put in my life, and use to discernment of what to do in those situations. I want to be kind and patient, not like a bulldozer. But I want to hear His voice above all the others.
That He is for me, not against me. That He has good things in store for me. That He will fight for me, I just have to lean on Him. Because He is a good father, who knows my future.

It feels good doesn't it?

In closing, this verse: Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Conditioned

Don't settle. Change the world. Live on the edge. Do crazy things for God. Go to the ends of the earth. Live radically. ............. Nothing I haven't heard before. Growing up in the church, specifically in youth group, I have heard these types of phrases my entire life. Although none of these are incorrect, instead of my life being focused on Jesus and what He has done for me and others, the Christian life seems to be far more focused on what I can do for Jesus and others. Again, not exactly wrong, it just seems to be a little off balanced. I rarely blog anymore, however when I do it's after hours of thoughts and conversations with other people, I hope to be able to articulate what is in my heart, and I'm praying to be understood. Over the past few years, I have been examining how these types of phrases, and others similar, literally have dominated my life, for most of my life. I have been very convicted to unpack the statements, mostly because it's important for them to be reasoned out for my true understanding of what I believe. When people say Christians have been brain washed, I actually agree, some have. I can stand in confidence though that I have not. Why? Because I come to the Lord and question, wrestle, sort and weigh in order to truly know what I believe. And through the power of the Holy Spirit, the eyes of my understanding have been made open and will continue to as I search things out. It's not an easy thing to question what you believe. But it's severely important. Otherwise you're believing in something you don't understand, which actually is scary, like being brain washed. In the process of doing that, I have found that Jesus is the best answer, every time. It's not a cop-out, it's not sugar coated. I believe that He is and what the Bible says is true. It's not because I'm afraid to displease my parents or I've been just so sheltered I don't know what's really out there. Did I miss out on somethings growing up, yes, is that okay that I didn't have to walk down that path, yes. I still know that Jesus is the only hope. True, powerful, life changing hope. And if you don't believe me, than I dare you to try Him out. That has been the base of my thoughts for some time now. The most recent battle has been about how as a child who grew up in the church, who is now walking out what it means to be an adult, wrestling with how I have been conditioned to live out my life. I know that the message of going out and changing the world, being the difference so that as many people get saved is actually a good thing, at the very least the heart behind it is. I respect people who have that mission, but I'm not always convinced it's the best way. Yes, the world needs Jesus. But so do you, your family and you friends. Standing up for what you believe in is crucial and we are supposed to do so. But the way that you do it just as equally as important. Social media has created a very interesting platform for these two specific things. I find myself, often, debating on how I need to address current event issues or simply how I am expressing my own belief. I am still learning about that balance. I'm also learning that sometimes, no matter what you say, people are going to not agree, and even that's okay. Why? Because it's my job to reflect Jesus to the best I can. It's not my job to try and convince people to believe what I do because number one it won't work, and number two, God is very good at making a name for himself. In light of that, what does it mean to reflect Jesus? Is it about being so perfect that everyone around you just knows you're different? Definitely not, and also impossible. Is it about constantly sharing Bible verses and always having the answer ready to throw at anyone? No. On two accounts. One, why would the Bible matter to anyone that doesn't believe that it's true? To them, it's just a book. And two, sometimes walking in humility, admitting you're wrong and just simply listening is far more impacting. (I realize I just wrote about not using Bible verses, however the direction I'm going, I will be, take it as you will) The verse that always comes to my mind and something that I love about the Lord is that it's his kindness, and in some versions, goodness is what draws us to Him, that causes us to what to change our lives and repent (Romans 2:4). So as much as we are called to stand up and know what we believe, we are just as readily supposed to function on a level of kindness, and not judgement. Because let's be real. The true followers of Jesus don't choose Him because he forces us to love Him. We honor and adore him for what He's done for us, because He loved us so much He has given us life after death with Him in heaven. Not because we deserve it, but because He loves us. And that's why we love him. So therefore, by our kindness we reflect Him. It is his job to judge, not ours. Although we have been taught that being a Christian has to look a certain way, and even so the world has been taught of how we should look, that being a Christian means doing crazy levels of life to really be "walking out our calling", it's not okay. We have literally run ourselves into the ground, obsessed with having the best life or the most radical life to so "please God". We rarely ever talk about how good and right it is to be faithful in the small things. To be Jesus to everyone around us. Not to wait until you're in another country or you've become a pastor. But to literally reflect Jesus wherever you go. It is a challenge, it does look different than what we are conditioned to believe, especially nowadays. Knowing that there is no shame or lack of purpose in having a normal job, being a faithful husband or wife, loving your children and training them to believe things for themselves, and caring for those around you, truly and honestly. That even when you feel a lack of purpose in those roles, the Lord will always lovingly remind you that He has put you there for a reason. If you're willing, He's willing. It's something I wrestle with, as many do. We have been conditioned to believe that if we're not doing the "epic adventure" that we're not fulfilling our "true purpose". And that's when you're life falls apart. People get discouraged. They don't feel good enough. Marriages fall apart because they "settled" and God has "better". It makes me sick. When we start to believe that we're just in wrong circumstance, we begin to stray away from what He's given to us. That's right, given. He doesn't make mistakes. He put you there for a reason. He's not twiddling His thumbs wondering what you're going to do next. He is in control. My point is this, because I chose Jesus, I am not settling. Because I desire my life, no matter the circumstance, to bring Him glory and my eyes are fixed on Him, I am living an adventure that will never stop. I am enough because I have given my life to Him. I am blessed because I am His child and He knows my name. I will not fear because my hope for life and eternity rests in Him. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly". John 10:10. I feel like as you go through different seasons, you have a different testimony, and right now, this is mine. My goal for this entry was to share my own faith, stir up other who may seem caught up in life, and to challenge those who don't believe it's the truth. I am not a forceful person, but I am passionate. Thank you so much for reading this and hearing my heart.

Being a wife

Most of the time I feel like I don't know enough to give advice about anything really. I've said to my Mom countless times that I can't wait until I'm older and people will take me seriously. Often times older people reflect on their younger years and tell "us young people" that these are our best days and we shouldn't wish them away for anything. I responded once to someone that it is very difficult to be young, respect is hard to come by, even when you work hard at it. These thoughts constantly plague my brain and I decided that I'm through with it. It's a fear thing. It's a false humility thing. I ask God for wisdom and discernment and then walk in it, with humility. I know that regardless of the wisdom that I may have, someone will know something better than me and I have to be humble enough to admit it. However, I need to be bold enough to share what God has put on my heart for those around me, otherwise I am not using gifting God has given me. This is my preface for this blog. I have only being a wife for exactly 2 years, 1 day & 3 hours at this point when writing. I don't know everything there is to know about being a wife, I figure I won't know everything until my last dying breath. Hopefully before then (chuckle). However, I am tired of feeling discredited because I've only been a wife for as long as I have. When I speak positively about my husband and how I miss him when we work different shifts I get responses like "well that will get old", "one day you'll be glad to get a break from him", "it'll change once you have children" ...so on and so forth. I could spend this whole blog spilling my guts about how I feel when people say those things to me. I'm sure you can imagine. But I'm tired of focusing on what other people are saying to me about how I should live my life, I want to hear the voice of the One who made marriage & this man I am now married too. Let's face it, if you think marriage is about your life, you're wrong. It's a reflection of Jesus. I don't know about you, but my overall goal is to reflect him better. This leads to my first of six points. 1. I am a selfish person. In first 6 months or so of my marriage one of my closest friends asked me what was the biggest thing I learned about being married or about Josh. I remember so clearly how that question resonated in my heart because the immediate struggle within me was my pride based thoughts. God had very clearly shown me a lot about myself in a very short time of being married. Of course I wanted to say something silly about how we clean the kitchen differently, but I KNEW the right honest humble answer. And that answer wasn't for her, it was for me. I told her that I had an increase awareness of the selfishness that I didn't even think I had. Growing up I was the oldest of 5 kids, I was always making sure that had their dinner and clothes done when Mom wasn't home. I worked as a nurse's aid in a hospital and I took care of people continually putting their needs above mine. I was a pretty consistent friend who would initiate time spent. I had a great list of why I was ready to be married. But oh my. Let's just say I married a good man, and I serve such a gracious and loving God. The sacrifice is real, considering you're own needs & at the same time another person's at either the same level or above -- it's painful. Phew. Yielding you're heart and emotions to another person's needs/wants/desires. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it is worth it. And it's for us! Not so that we can somehow manipulate the situation so we get what we want in the end, or because of some kind of magic our husbands will change what they want because they see how selfless we're being. Nope, nope, nope. It's so that Jesus can be better represented in us. Are we not called to be more like Him? He who is the definition of true sacrifice? It's okay to have selfish flesh desires, we are imperfect. But how gorgeous humility, true and pure, will look on us. 2. My comparing problem. Comparison is one of the biggest lies ever. That constant the grass is greener on the other side, or they get flowers every month and I don't....ugh. It's such a hot mess. Before I was married and even really knew Josh, I always hoped and prayed that my love story wouldn't be generic or boring or sound like anyone else's story. God is good. Now that I am married, it feels like high school all over again only now we have homes, cars, husbands, maybe children...etc. And it's a big competition. It's weird because even though I spent my pre-marriage time hoping to be different and then once married I am stuck in the comparison game where I'm desiring to be more like other people I know. Goofy I know. But we all do it don't we? When you sit an reflect on how silly it is, it becomes simply that. To top it all off, it is so belittling to you're marriage. The marriage that you were given to grow and pour time and energy into creating what God has for you to in life. I have always really struggled with different comparison problems, and don't think for one minute when you get married your insecurities and struggles just go out the window because you finally found someone you can depend on. If anything they get magnified. Don't beat yourself up, there is so much grace in marriage. Sometimes I think God has all this grace pent up specifically for you and your situation, and all we have to do is ask. I am so thankful that I've had encouragement about this in my marriage. The devil is waiting to pounce and destroy your marriage, and I'm pretty sure that this very thing is a huge root of why divorces happen. Do not let comparison steal the beauty of the unique way your marriage is supposed to make a difference on the world. Don't let it share you're joy because it doesn't look like someone else. My prayer for anyone with this issue as well as myself is this amazing verse in Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 3. I don't have that perfect wife syndrome. As a Christian, growing up in church & being a woman I have heard countless things about Proverbs 31. If you don't know it by looking at it maybe "a wife of noble character" will ring a bell. Essentially it is the very portion of scripture that everyone always focuses their time and energy explaining a perfect wife. Growing up, I rolled my eyes and blocked it out for the most part. I read it one time at, probably, age 12 and promptly decided I was never going to be that great and all the people who focus so darn hard on it are just lying to themselves because most of it is just not possible (chuckle). Now that I'm 25 I have a little more respect for it, after all, it is the Bible. Also on the other hand, you really need to look at this chunk of scripture. It doesn't just say that she's a good wife, works hard at cleaning and keeping the house and the children. It talks about how she actively living her life. She is a wife, but she's handling money well, her husband has confidence in her, she buys & sells,she spends her time well, etc. She was more than Suzie Homemaker. This is my point. There is no "perfect wife" picture to be (again) comparing yourself too. Your home, your work, your children - everything will be done differently and that's OKAY. Being a wife is wearing many hats, and I truly think that's the message Proverbs 31 should send. Not a measuring stick of perfection. My most recent example is when Josh & I would bring food to many places, people just assumed that I made the food. When actually, I married a man who loves to cook, and who is ridiculously good at it! I used to feel guilty that I wasn't doing a good job as a wife. But oh my goodness is that the wrong thing! Be you. Wear your hats. 4. Letting my control freak go. I like to be in control. Due to being the oldest, I was naturally assuming the decision making role often in my family before I married into a new one. Now that I'm in the new one and working on not being selfish, I'm also tag teaming that not being overbearing/controlling thing. It's a very difficult thing to let things go. You are not your husbands mother. You are both apart of the decision making. You cannot wave a rule book over your husbands head and say that he cannot do things. I have really been curious about when women say things to the extent of not letting their husbands buy certain things or spend their time on things -- this is how I look at it: Are you, as the wife, also planning on giving up your shopping, getting hair cut and nails done...you know your own list. No? Okay then. Let it go. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it's not important to this guy you love. And it's respecting him. Supporting his decisions and of course sometimes asking why is respecting him as a man. Being a demanding woman never got her what she truly wanted. In Ephesians 5 it talks about how wives need to submit to their husbands. A lot of woman I know would cringe at that, and sometimes, yes I do to. However it tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Both of these things are HUGE. And they complete a cycle. If woman feel loved, they want to yield to their husband and if a man feels respected he feels secure and able to love. It's tricky, but it's good. My goal is to let my husband be him. I never want to hold him back of anything good in life. 5. I am beautiful. I don't think there is a woman alive who doesn't deal with self-worth issues. It's our personal battle on a daily basis. My husband is a very honest person. He does not continually shower me with compliments (thank goodness) and he has also told me that I am not a pretty crier. He has also told me how upsetting it is for him when he tells me I look good and my response is something along the lines of "you always think I'm beautiful". Wow is that totally not fair to him! Again this goes back to my own heart issues. Because I am living proof that even if a man is crazy about you and your body and tells you everyday, if you are not happy with who you are, it won't make any difference and it will be very sad for your husband. So what is the magic formula to being happy with yourself? Being finally your goal weight? Getting that muscle tone? Filling out in all the right areas? No. Of course working out is good, taking care of yourself is important. BUT, it comes from knowing what He says about you. Knowing what your true worth is. I challenge you to find that verse that resonates in your spirit. Mine is Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." The creator of the universe who made everything, all things mighty and beautiful, call you His. Whoah. 6. What love means. Something I have discovered about myself and I have begun to see it in others as well: I love talking about my husband. I love talking about how good he is with people, cooking, working, laughing, relaxing -- I love talking about it! I don't do it to rub it in others faces, I just feel so privileged to know him so well and get to be connected with such an awesome person. A lot of the time, we talk about other people and then we feel worse about ourselves, or better yet we will say something positive and good about ourselves after saying something good about our spouse. That's that competitive game again, that comparing business. But now it's not you against other people, it's you and your husband. If healthy competition is what makes it work in your relationship, more power to you, but not at a level where you have to put yourself up on a measuring stick next to your spouse. Appreciate the things he is good at, be thankful for them, be okay with not being good at everything. This is what loving someone looks like. As I close I will leave you with a thought. When Josh & I first started dating a couple rough things happened initially in our lives that brought us closer together, they were sad and difficult. In those moments we wanted to say that we loved each other, and we had only been dating for maybe a few weeks. We didn't feel like it was the "right time". But one night Josh was holding me in a hug and he pulled me away to look at my face and said "I love you as much as I could possibly love you at this point of our relationship". I feel the same way now. I know as much about being a wife as I could possibly know at this point. I'm sure I'll know more later. I may even write again on all of the topics and address them differently. But this is what Jesus is saying to me. He cares so much about our lives and our marriages. We have to share together. Thanks so much guys

the significance of fasting & prayer

In 2 days, my church will begin a corporate “Daniel Fast”, as many churches around the country do at this time. It’s an amazing way to start out the year. It can help you focus if you’re lacking direction. It can help cleanse your body of all the nasty you consumed over Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s. You can probably come up with more practical reasons of why fasting in the beginning of the year is helpful. Really though, fasting is an important part of our lives as Christians, for some very important reasons. In this blog, although I’m definitely not saying limited too, I will be focusing on four that have really helped me put some perspective on fasting and how to keep Jesus in the center. A lot of times, especially when there is a corporate fasting going on it’s easy to get caught up in the legalistic end of it verses focusing on the importance of it. I begin by saying this: My greatest conviction on fasting that it can only be truly good for you if the Lord has laid it on your heart to do so. Otherwise, it isn't the right timing. Before this past January, I had not fasted since I was 16. Why? Because the Lord clearly spoke to me that while I was in school and working that I didn't have time to focus on the main component of fasting which is spending time with the Lord rather than on other things/foods. I didn't have time to really focus on being dependent on Him, it ended up being that I was starving my physical body and not filling it up spiritually. So don’t read this the wrong way, I have incredible grace for those who know in their heart it isn't the right time for a fast. Here we go. Some basic reasons: -Jesus himself fasted (Matthew 4) -There are 19 verses in the Bible that reference fasting starting from the Old Testament all the way to the New Testament (christianteens.about.com) Some specific reasons: 1. To increase & deepen your personal prayer life & relationship with the Lord -Matthew 6:5-8( http://www.biblestudytools.com/matthew/6.html ) Jesus says "when you fast". He doesn’t say "if you feel like it someday when your new x-box isn't cool anymore or you really don't like chocolate, then fast". I love that although, there are many areas of the Bible that talk about fasting, Jesus not only fasted, but he directly taught about it. Another point to grasp in Matthew 6 is that fasting is linked with prayer. And not just prayer, the most famous prayer EVER. The Lord's Prayer. I firmly believe that Jesus is purposeful in everything. There is nothing that is simply “by chance" about this placement. The word moreover is used. The definition of that word (dictionary.reference.com) is: a "sentence connector" - which means in addition to what has already been said. I love that!! So there you go, prayer and fasting connected :) 2. Giving up pleasurable things, in order to see the Lord. -Daniel 1:8-17, 9, 10 I have been mulling over many verses in the Bible about fasting, and I think Daniel is key in the definition of what Biblical fasting is. In several accounts Daniel does an act of fasting, sometimes by clear explanation that he is fasting, and then others by the act of "giving up" things. - In the first reference ( http://www.biblestudytools.com/daniel/1.html ) it's about giving up pleasurable things, from the king's table no less. I love that they gave up what was being freely given to them, in order to not defile themselves to please the Lord to gain knowledge and wisdom. - Daniel 9 is another amazing reference of prayer and fasting, by name. Take the time to read this chapter. I really believe this prayer and the level of pleading mirrors how Esther and the Jewish people were probably praying, which we will get to later. Although it only talks about fasting in the beginning of the chapter, it's very important to tie in prayer with fasting; also reading a whole chapter is very enlightening. Growing up in church, I regret to say that I took a lot of scripture that I was told at face value, realizing later I wasn't even sure what it meant. Context is crucial! -Daniel's lifestyle of fasting is mentioned again in Chapter 10:2-3. This is the place that most churches take the "Daniel Fast" being 3 weeks long from. Again, the whole chapter is worth reading, however I found the key components of this chapter are that at the end of his fast, while he was weak he saw a vision (vs. 4-7) and He was encouraged (vs. 11-12). I feel as if the book of Daniel deserves so much study in comparison to the way we just blew through some highlighted parts related to fasting. I believe my own personal study during this time of fasting will be Daniel. 3. For change -Esther 4:12-16 ( http://www.biblestudytools.com/esther/4.html ) I have recently been going through the Beth Moore study of Esther, which is amazing, I would recommend it to all women! Learning the strategic moves of God through this book has been such a life giving source for me. I love that even though the devil was using hatred against God's chosen people to wipe them out, God used this threat to turn the hearts of the Jewish people, who had really turned from Him to be a part of the culture in Persia, back to Himself by praying and fasting for their people, to be redeemed. Does that give you chills? That you serve a God who loves to redeem His people?? Oh my gosh, I get so excited!! -Is there a friend? A family member? Someone who you've been asking God to rescue? Pray and fast for them. Don't limit what God can do in your life and in others. Obviously, His will triumphs over our plans, but who knows if He hasn't put you in the midst of this situation "for such a time as this" (Ester 4:14)? Maybe it's to win someone to Jesus, maybe it's just to plant seeds in their hearts, maybe it's specific words that you need to say to them, maybe it’s just for the Lord to come in an soften their hearts. You don't know, but God does. Esther prayed and fasted to save a nation, the significance of that is still evident in our world today. 4. For the oppressed and broken; to bring glory to the Lord -Isaiah 58 ( http://www.biblestudytools.com/isaiah/58.html ) This chapter is one of my single most favorites. I literally started crying at the end because of how it resonates in my heart. -In the beginning (vs. 1-5), I think we can tie similarities to how Jesus refers to the religious leaders in Matthew 6 about fasting and praying. And also I think to how sometimes the church can view it. We sometimes believe we serve an ATM Jesus, wanting answers right away, wondering why God doesn't notice what we have done for Him. Demanding and acting as if we are entitled from things from God is really not the best heart to have. Fasting will always go back to what is the condition of your heart? Are you truly humble before the Lord, asking Him to come and have His place in your life and lead you? This is a very good question to ask ourselves regardless of if we're fasting or not. Because if we set our hearts on what the Heart of God wants, we will receive so much more of Him. -Then!! In verses 6-14, BAM! We get knocked out by the significance of fasting! It is for a great purpose! There's not even a need for explanation, just read this!!: "Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. " -Isaiah 58:9-12 One other point that is helpful and important with fasting: Having specific things your fasting about. Last year my husband prayed and fasted for another vehicle and for God to also provide him with a new job. We were down to one car and it was difficult. During the fast, a family friend of ours gave us a truck, that is thankfully still doing well. We gave glory to God. However, God did not give him a new job, but He has given him a new attitude towards his job. I asked that God would give me a leadership opportunity to able to invest in His kingdom, and literally the Monday after we started the fast, my Mom and I spoke about me subbing in to teach for her, which led to me again teaching this year. God is good. Sometimes He doesn't come through like we want, but He does come through. Having specifics when you fast also help you stay focused in your prayer time. Personally, I cannot wait to start fasting this upcoming week, I know it's crazy, but I am excited about what the Lord wants to do in my life and those around me. The fast I am participating in is essentially a vegan diet, minus sugar and I am also fasting my personal TV show time and to only listen to worship music during this time. The essence of fasting is giving up pleasurable things, in order to strengthen our walk with the Lord. I truly believe it can be food or stuff, or both. I hope this was thought provoking and was able to speak to your hearts! Jesus loves when we seek His face above every other thing; the boot camp of that process is fasting!

two worlds: dreamer & doer

Dreams. Hopes. Plans. Busy. Time. Work. I'm hoping by the end of that you were cringing, because I know I was. I feel often that those are the components of my being and that line up is the order I would love for them to be truly lined up in. However, as many of you have experienced in the world of grown-ups, as have I, the order is usually the opposite of above and by the time you get to the dreaming portion of your day...well, you're asleep or about to be. My father is the greatest example of a dreamer in my life. He dreams big and remains hopeful until proven utterly undo-able, and then still holds out for God to work. He believes in people, has faith for them to run to Jesus even when everyone else has given up on them. When I was 8 years old he bought a crack house in Cleveland on the edge of a government housing project, gutted the entire house and raised a family there. Not to mention the countless amounts of missionaries & God-lovers they have housed for all different periods of time and the amount of ministry that has happened in all 3 of our living rooms -- because of they're availability to God. Because of his dreams, and actions on those dreams, so many people's lives have been touched by Jesus. I will tell anyone my family is crazy, because, let's face it, they are :) but I've never met anyone who loves more like Jesus does than my Dad. Needless to say, but I will, being a dreamer is in my blood. Over the past 3 years or so, my life has had to come to an incredible halt and the discipline of learning multiple facts for hours and hours took the place of all different levels of free time. Plus I met the love of my life, a true dream fulfilled. Now I have entered into a season where free time is making it's way back...and I've been struggling. The once free spirited girl who literally had no worries, not to much structure now has a "big girl" job, husband, bills, is used to agendas and schedules...and forgets to have time to create. It's probably extremely evident in the fact that I go months without blogging and haven't written a new song in over a year. "God what do you want me to do? You've put dreams, desires and hopes in my heart, I don't want to miss out on what you have for me." A daily conversation I have with God. Recently, the two dreams of my heart, that have brought me to tears several times are I want to have children with my friends & watch our children grow up together; I want to make music and be able to participate in ushering in the presence of God. I have to will myself quite often that God is in control and has better plans that I could ever imagine, which could possibly mean them looking entirely different that what I want. Because life happens, plans are just simply that. People move away, situations change, opportunities fail to reveal themselves. I am not bitter, I feel like it may come across that way simply because the tone of my heart couldn't possibly be heard perfectly through the words on the screen, I am simply being very honest. The perfect life we all long for is not here on earth. We get glimmers, sights, love and compassion, but heaven is a our true home. With that being in mind, that hope clearly set before us (Romans 14) I have come to terms with the desires of my heart, not just the two mentioned of course, may not be fulfilled here on earth, it may have to wait until we reach heaven where all fullness is in Jesus. Oh my. I guess take a minute and think about that. When I start to meditate on that, my eyes come off of me and go to Jesus, because in all of my selfish ways and my personal desires, knowing that one day that will all be over and there won't be any need to strive for those things we desire anymore...brings me such peace. Thank God. ................................................... ................................................ ........................................... ...................................... ........................... .................. .............. ............ ...... ... .. . Okay... I really didn't want to go plowing past that point. I have now set the stage of what I REALLY wanted to blog about :) A few nights ago, I had a dream that was about those two things that I have most recently been pleading to God about. I woke up feeling heart-broken, not because they were sad dreams, but because they were so imprinted on my heart that they had began showing up in my dreams. I am not a very detailed night time dreamer, usually if I remember dreams it's because they're traumatic enough to scare me awake, but not this dream. If anyone follows me on instagram, pinterest, or Facebook you know that I am making an attempt to conquer as much as my pinterest as possible at this point of my life. Some people role their eyes about pinterest, calling it a waste of time...which it indeed can be, however it gives me the opportunity, no matter what the weather, to dream. I think that's why guys love video games and playing sports. Because we have been raised in a society that doesn't have time for dreaming and playing the "what-if" game once you become an adult. Here I am in the middle of being a dreamer, and becoming a doer. The important thing is to be in a place of allowing time for dreaming, because it's beyond important. I need to do more dreaming and relaxing at the piano, I know it and it's a main priority right now. However, you can't just be a dreamer...as my Dad as taught me countless times, you have to have faith and drive to follow through and see what happens. In my life, Jesus is not separate than my reality, he's definitely a part of when I cook, clean, layout, read, workout, work...you know, life! Because of that, I try to include Him in all of my struggle and even silly things like my pinterest challenge. I give Him my dreams and pray He'll give me the strength to either achieve them or let go and wait for His best. I don't know how I possibly have not learned this lesson yet, I guess it's utterly ongoing. I love to learn, don't get me wrong, but this lesson, this balance is such a tough one. Letting God do His thing, trusting Him with your desires, because He put them there, YET not just sitting around waiting for things to happen, dreaming without any movement, but walking in faith and perseverance to achieve THE goal. And THE (ultimate) goal, is to reflect Jesus. I am a very goal oriented person, I feel accomplished when I finish somethings, however, I really need Jesus to guide my dreams & my feet daily. Thanks for reading guys, I think this has been one of my favorite blogs to write!

little me, encouraged me

For starters, I CANNOT get over this beautiful weather that has been blessing the Cleveland, Ohio area! Can't get enough of it! I'm currently sitting inside, next to my open kitchen window feeling the sun & smelling the fresh air - but in a few short weeks, I will be moving to our new apartments that have a balcony outside, and I will be writing from there! Very exciting. I am all about change and newness...yet still all about where I came from and holding onto things that still hold a great level of precious to me. In beginning the process of packing, I always start with going through older stuff and getting rid of it. I used to have more time and I would do so every 3-4 months, at least with clothes, shoes, jewelry etc. It's a very cleansing habit by the way, clutter is annoying, but clutter you never get to around to either using or looking at is worse! Very similarly to my packing process around this time last year, I began to go through my keepsake boxes (that sounds very sweet & beautiful, but are just simply a bunch of shoes boxes lol) which include everything from 5 yr old drawings, to 11 yr old letters from friends & of course my over-abundant journal collection. I began consistently keeping a journal when I was around 13-14. I would always start a journal and never finish it before that time-frame. When I was 12 I kept my journals in story form and in little folders with titles and everything :) .....side note: some day I will write books again.... I opened to a page in my 14 yr old journal, and then decided I wanted to read the whole thing. It's not a very involved story of my life, mostly facts, thoughts and Bible verses. My favorite thing that I used to do was in the beginning and end of my journal I would have a couple "fun facts" pages. On these pages I would document stuff ranging from my current weight to who I currently was crushing on to who my best friends were to what were my favorite songs to favorite clothing items...you get the picture. At the time, I never realized how humerus this would someday be! Here I am, 10 yrs later, chuckling about who my favorite band was and the name/eye color of my crush. I continued reading on of course, chuckling as I went, sighing and taking a deep breath when I would feel just a small pinch of the level of frustration that was communicated on those pages. In a short time, I finished the journal and placed it in the "keeping pile". I found myself amazed at how impactful reading this journal was. This was the journal in which I began making changes in my life that would affect me long term. I had started learning how to eat right and work out. I would log how much I worked out that day and be so proud of any progress what so ever, because it was such a new experience for me. I sat there thinking about how many times I beat myself up with how I'm not happy with where I am body wise, spiritually, musically, etc. and here I was reading stuff I prior wrote, and it was encouraging me! Little strange, maybe? I don't think so really. I am so thankful I believe in a God who can use anything to bring encouragement, direction and purpose to our lives. We get off track, I do daily...and then through just a routinely un-cluttering of my stuff, God can remind me of my previous "small" victories that helped shape and change my life for the long run. Working out is simply just a physical example of that. I am also sooo incredibly grateful that I serve a God who knows the deepest desires and heart cries. As most of you know, weight has always been an issue for me, and if you have instagram/facebook you know I'm am attempting to go through and at least try all the things I've pinned on pinterest, specifically meals & workouts to get healthier, stronger & thinner...but mostly to not just be a dreamer, but a doer. It's hard work, God knows this. David said it so well in Psalms 139:3 - "You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways." I love the word acquainted. It means to be personally known. I don't know about you, but my favorite thing in the world!!!! is to be personally known by those closest to me...and to think, God is already there. Wow; beautiful. So many times, I've questioned why keeping a journal is so important. I've gone on kicks where writing down my life has become a little to time consuming and I have reverted to simply keeping a prayer journal. But I think there is something to keeping a journal and recording parts of your life. Maybe only the big parts, maybe just when your crying out the Lord and then thanking Him for His faithfulness in your life...but there is something to it, keeping track of your days, knowing where you came from. I'm glad to finally realize how God is truly using my time of writing and recording, because He wants to bless, challenge and encourage my life. :) I leave you guys with this today, I'm headed out to enjoy the sunshine!

present day me

I am amazed at the faithfulness of God and how it’s in the small things He blesses my life. I can testify daily that God makes away for the desires of my heart, and He knows my needs before I know them myself. These past months have been difficult for me to pin point how and why God was teaching me the way that He was –usually when you’re walking through a season you don’t understand the purpose – and now here I am near the end of a brief yet precious season and I see fully what God was trying to reinvest in my heart. Throughout my life after the age of probably 14 or so I have been a part of leading kids younger than myself, informally usually and with my parents’ ministry every summer and was actively a part of a number of things all the way up until summer 2010, and then school kicked into a whole new gear and I started dating my now husband, leadership inadvertently took the back seat. In anticipation of school being over, starting last summer, I began to ask God what He wanted me to focus on in this new season I was stepping into and I knew for sure it would have something to do with music – another part of my life that has been on the back burner for the past 2 years specifically – hoping that I would have some kind of leadership role and music would once again take its place. There are several songs that have been written but never fully played out. I find myself frustrated with my music or even my voice because nothing is as good as it was when I would be practicing everyday…it makes sense really. I’m sure many reading this can understand where I’m coming from. Anyways…all that to say, those were the two things specifically I was asking God to show me how these dreams and desires of my heart would take a place in present day, Bethany Sharon Warner. Welcome 2013. We began a Daniel Fast with our church. I have only successfully finished a fast if I have specific things I’m praying and asking God for. I firmly believe that if you don’t have anything specific you’re asking God for or you don’t have time focus on God more than your regular allotted time, you shouldn’t be fasting because then it just turns into starving yourself (this is what happens when I don’t blog for 2 months, I have wayyyy to many thoughts). During the fast, I was asking God for opportunities to walk in the things I desire and am dreaming for - AKA – leading something and getting more involved with music. Two things related to my prayers popped up. One was helping my Mom by subbing in for her class she has taught at Hearts for Jesus Christ since I was a sophomore there, Mission’s In Action (MIA) and the second was trying out for a position on our church’s worship team. I was excited for my Mom’s class and rather hesitant on the other, but not willing to let the opportunity pass by. I had been reading, and still am reading the book “Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman” – by Anne Ortlund – and essentially what I knew God was teaching me through that was about the word discipline. I hate that word, I’ve always hated that word. I would much rather deal with the words: challenge, change, train, etc. – anything BUT discipline. However… God disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 13:24), therefore I have always felt as if I need to learn to love this word. I have picked up this book several times and always started reading it, and actually liked what this woman had to say, a lot. As I began to pray into this discipline idea – I complied it along with how fasting and discipline go hand in hand…and further that for any excellence to come in our lives, discipline must play a part. I related that immediately to working out and eating right, something I have previously devoted a lot of time too, but just got lazy. I have been implementing the word discipline back into my life, in more ways than one. The result of discipline is one of positive, whereas that word usually has negative connotation attached to it, for me now it means my focus will be different and my end desire will look different. As many aspects of my life have been entirely disciplined (i.e. nursing school) other parts have not, music for sure, among other things. When the worship team slot didn’t work out, I prayed almost initially that God would open my eyes to the reason why. Almost immediately God showed me that He wanted me to himself in this season of me rediscovering my music love, how exciting! Actually am really excited about it. My awesome husband bought me a very nice keyboard for my birthday and it’s sitting in our kitchen and I try to on a daily basis pound through my frustration over lack of present talent or strength of my voice and just simply worship Him. There is so much freedom in that and not having the pressure of performing at all, yet practicing and blocking out specific time is disciplining my life and preparing me for a season that I know God has for me. Wow, I really should blog more often. Maybe re-reading the first paragraph will help refocus of what I was talking about. As I am writing the last part of this, I am sitting at a hallway at Hearts for Jesus Christ, the homeschooling group I graduated from and have currently taught at for the past 6 weeks. Because of my orientation for NURSING (!!!!) begins on the 25th and Lord-willing I will pass boards, I will not be able to finish out the school year teaching. It is with sadness and yet joy in my heart I let this brief phase go with high hopes of what next school year will bring for me. This was an answered prayer, and I had no idea how awesome it would be. I simply believed I would be rusty and not know what to say to these kids and that I would at the very least haphazardly lead them through the end of the school year. However God met me every step of the way and spoke to me about and through these young amazing people. My heart has been awakened to previous desires and I am incredibly pumped to have time for dreams once again. In conclusion, I want God to be continually demonstrated in my life, actions, thoughts and time…and by His grace He will help me through that. I am excited to be alive again and feel passion and calling after many seasons of putting my head down and keep on keeping on. Please pray for me as I am preparing to take my nursing test at the end of this month, I’m nervous and excited and trusting God that He knows my plans far beyond the present here and now, orchestrating everything around me to bring Him glory. Promising more blogs (lol) - Bethany