20 things - Travel Nursing

As I am finishing my first assignment,  I wanted to share a few things that I've learned in the process. In the beginning, I read quite a few blogs written by travelers so I figured I'd join in!

Couple things before we start, about me. I have yet to travel out of state, I choose to stay in state to be close to my husband while he finishes school and then the plan is next summer start going other places together. So there is a whole aspect of being a traveler that I have yet to experience. However, I work with a lot of travelers currently that live within a 2-3 hours radius like myself. The money is still there if commute back and forth every week. Another thing I wanted to share is that I worked in the same hospital for almost 8 years before beginning travel nursing. I was an aid for several years and then was a nurse for almost 4 before I started this new chapter. I worked medical for 2 1/2 and telemetry for 1 year. That's my background.  All that to say, here's goes my 20 things:

1. Shop around. I started looking into travel nursing because of an add on Instagram. I entered my info into an online bank and almost immediately started getting phone calls and e-mails. There are  A TON of companies out there. It can be EXTREMELY overwhelming, so just take your time.  I also messaged a few people that I followed online who were travelers to get their input on companies. I spoke with 3 different companies before finding my current one, and so far I have had the best experience with them. The things I would look out for when you are choosing a company is: A) Consistency and availability - I had a really good conversation with someone and at that time I was just looking into to it, I was told to let them know if I changed my mind, I did and they took weeks to get back to me. B) Do not be bullied - these recruiters are out to get their job too. If you can tell they more concerned about they're agenda then yours, move on. I had one crack jokes related to my marriage and verbally stressed his frustration that I didn't want to leave my state at that time. Needless to say, this is your life, make it work for you.

2. Everyone who is not pursuing traveling will not understand, but it's okay. I love that nursing has all sorts of different people. Some will stay and work in the same hospital for 20+ years and some will change jobs every year. Travel nursing will not always be apart of my life, but I have been willing to venture out to see how I would like it. It's okay to like it, it's okay to not like it. But don't take advice from people who've never done it, because honestly, they don't know.

3. Ask a lot of questions of your recruiter. Money questions, time frame questions, concerns or things you don't understand. Share your honest strengths and weaknesses. Be open and honest (that's why you have to pick one your comfortable with). My recruiter tells me to ask anything, because the worst response would just be no. 

4. Order scrubs early! This seems silly, my life was extremely busy the month before I started traveling and I didn't realize until the week before that I needed to buy scrubs. Most places have specific colors and you want to make sure you have enough time to get the scrubs you want, because there's a possibility that you will have to order online.

5. Take time off beforehand. There's a lot of paperwork, especially when you're first starting with a company and then when you're starting a new job too! I had two weeks off and I wish I would've taken 3-4.

6. Orientation is hard. Lots of passwords, tests, etc. Take it in stride, try hard not complain, you'll get through it and feel like a real nurse again.

7. Be honest, but mindful. Don't just bring your concerns to your boss, also speak about the positive things that are happening on the floor.

8. Let yourself grow and adapt the first 3 weeks. Adjusting takes time. I trained with seasoned travelers and they confirmed that you won't feel back to yourself for 2-3 weeks.

9. Pack most of your own food. If you end up commuting like I have been, eating out is going to get really old, really fast.

10. Get a diffuser! Hotel rooms smell weird and it's possible you may have a harder time relaxing since your not at your own house.

11. Take vitamins and supplements. I mainly take a pro-biotic. Because you are contracted, getting sick is really not in your best interest. Take care of yourself first!

12. Don't wait to change hotels if you're not happy. I am not a smoker, and definitely not used to smoke. I could tell when people started smoking inside the building (in the smoking rooms) even though I wasn't on the same floor as them. I waited 2 weeks to see if it got better and I battled a head ache on and off the whole time. Finally changed and I'm so happy.

13. Cheaper isn't always better, see what you're money is getting you. This goes with hotels for sure!

14. Put a travel box together so that you're not unpacking all the time (again, if you are commuting). My favorite things in mine are my cleaning wipes (for hotels, my phone or my shoes - again, staying healthy), plastic & paper utensils and my dish soap and scrubber!

15. Get doubles of your stuff, especially toiletries, again so you're not unpacking every week.

16. Even if it's just for dinner, explore where you are and hangout with your coworkers. If it doesn't make you less homesick, at least it'll break up your time there.

17. Pick up extra time when you want to and do it in advance so you're prepared.

18. When you are home, enjoy your time. I know that seems like a no brainier, but I've ever found that cooking and cleaning is very relaxing when I come home.

19. When you're on the road, enjoy your time. Enjoy your co-workers and your patients. Even though you're there for a short period of time, just like any other kind of nursing, it can't just be about the money.

20. Who you are as nurse matters. You are unique. Someone needs you to be you. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Being confident is so important as nurse and than I think it becomes more important when you are doing shorter periods of time in places. I became a nurse to impact people's lives and help them, sometimes when I get frustrated about new systems or new policies, I keep that in mind.


Hope this helped anyone who was on the edge of deciding if travel nursing is for them or not, I spent about 6 months looking into it before I got my first assignment. I am so thankful I looked into things and that I added this new level to my life, I have been richly rewarded, and the pay increase didn't hurt either!

Haiti

After a few weeks, looking through pictures and explaining our trip to many people, I feel like it's time for a blog. My husband & I spent a total of 9 days, 2 of which were solely travel with 18 other people, half adults half teenagers, on a trip to Haiti. This was the first time we had ever been on a mission's trip together, and it was my first one in over ten years. Leading into Haiti, we saw God provide for us financially and scheduling wise, however there were a lot of woes involved. Because it was literally mass chaos for weeks in advance, I hadn't really sat down and meditated on what Haiti would even be like. I was considering team dynamics, preparing myself for the heat...but beyond that I was just thankful to be going.
I think God used that definitely. Sometimes when you have high expectations or even expectations in general, you miss what God wants to show you. I hope you enjoy a little retelling of our time in Haiti and the little precious moments God allowed me to experience.

Haiti.
It's beautiful.
It's gross.
It's fullfilling.
It's dissapointing.
It's devastating.
It's restoration.
The Heart of God is so evident here. In every shape and form.
 After a full day of travel with limited sleep we landed in Port-au-Prince.
Mountains? 
That was one of my initial thoughts. I had seen in pictures what I would consider "big hills", but these, these were majestic tall mountains.
The airport was a little more madness than I would usually prefer, however all our luggage made it. We took extra for supplies so I was shocked, but thankful.
Maneuvering through the airport, we were in single file. My husband was a few people in front of me, I glanced forward a few times and the second time I did, he was "fist bumping" a Haitian man who was chatting him up. I rolled my eyes and cracked a grin. There is so much comfort in that my husband literally makes friends wherever he goes. I'm thankful for the favor that rests on his life because it gives me so much peace.
A huge sigh of relief came over me once we were in the vans, moving down the road.
Words cannot express the devastation that is present on these streets. There is garbage embedded in their dirt. Trash burning close by the market places. People milling every which way, dressed in their best, but some without shoes. Animals roaming. "Motos" riding about with at least 3 people sitting on them as they zip through traffic. Chaos is the word I'm thinking of.
Another miracle, all 3 of our vehicles made it safely to Christianville.
I am so thankful I got ride over in the vans with my family.
My husband, youngest brother and youngest sister came on this adventure with me. There was such a sense of security having them there with me and also and overwhelming joy, getting to see my siblings take in and process a new experience.
Pure exhaustion led us quickly to bed that evening.
Also, I have never been more thankful for a cold shower in all my life.

The plan for the first two days for my brother and I was to spend full days at a clinic a few miles down the road run by an American husband and wife, doctor and nurse, team who had been established there for several years. The rest of the team was being divided into a repair/desk making team and Vacation Bible School (VBS) in one of the neighboring villages. Before we left for our tasks, Sue found us.
Sue is another American woman, who has spent the last several years of her life devoted to the children of Haiti. Her children, orphans, live in a home on the Christianville campus. Because of her reputation in the community, if there are children that have been abandoned, someone from the community tells her.
"There are twins that were born, the mother is crazy and no where to be found. We have to go find them."
Oh no God, not babies, not today, the first day. 
My heart sank. There were so many reasons as a nurse I never wanted to work with newborns or children. I silently prayed to myself that a few of the moms on the trip would want to go find these babies. Instantly two moms and one of their daughters said they wanted to go. They left quickly after that, the rest of us solemnly loaded into the school bus (our local transportation), they dropped my brother and I off at the clinic and the rest went to VBS.

The clinic was the most organized thing I saw in Haiti. There was an outside waiting area, and also people sat in benches in the hall. There were several examination rooms, an office and clean water. We quickly were introduced to the staff, Haitian and American, and got to sit in on their morning meeting. My brother and I had a brief conversation about finding the babies, not realizing we had both not wanted to go because it was to upsetting.
We had not been at the clinic for an hour and the head nurse came in.
"Sue is bringing in twins, they are probably premature, born last night."
My heart sank almost instantly. My gut response?
Jesus, I don't want to see a baby die today. 
Before there was anytime to process, we had the two babies on a regular examination table. Although some of our teammates (who had brought them in with Sue) were standing there, looking as scared as I felt, we all jumped into fast mode. Holding back any anxiety, I let myself look at these precious little ones. The smallest little ones I've ever seen.
The boy, was kicking and crying. The girl was not.
Both cold, both wrapped up in bonnets, so tight they probably couldn't even breathe that well.
In a blur, 6-7 people ranged around that table at a time taking off their soiled clothes, testing their tiny feet for oxygen levels, taking temperatures and blood sugars.
Doctor Jim listened to their lungs.
"They're clear, surprisingly."
The first sigh of relief silently washed over the entire room.
In that moment, while books were being pulled out to check APGAR scores, I remember thinking one very clear thing. I knew that Jesus was there with us. I barely knew these people in this room, but I felt their hearts. I knew that we all viewed life the same.
The second realization was how well everyone was working together, and how easily they let my brother and I jump in as soon as we knew what they wanted. It was team work, it wasn't perfect, but there was a very clear goal.
"They need names," Sandy, the head nurse said at one point.
Sue was still standing in the room with us.
"I'll ask the girls." Meaning our temmates, who had been asked to sit out in the waiting area awhile before.
She flew out the door, and minutes later she was back.
"Liam and Hailey."
All 6-7 of us then started cooing their names over them.
While still working hard to stabilize blood sugar and temperature, something else changed in the room.
They had names.
In that moment I was overwhelmed with how important names are. And how before we knew their names, God knew their names. I finally understood in that moment why some parents spend so much time over naming their children. Because names matter. And they matter to the Lord.
Although the room was much lighter, we still were moving. Attempted IVs, washing of their hair, calling the helicopter to come, spelling their names and Sue singing "Jesus loves me".
Soon we had mostly clean babies, wrapped up in warm blankets waiting for the pickup. Liam was ready first, I got to walk around holding him. I literally could've held his little 2 lb body forever and never put him in down. However, soon the helicopter team was there, and soon enough, the kiddos were gone. And so were 3 hours. The rest of our day was hardly as eventful, and even the second day could not compare. But I am sincerely grateful for the relationships that were started in the very brief time we were with such and incredible team.
We finished our clinic time on Friday, however our medical experience did not stop until Sunday. My youngest sister got sick with a virus that was traveling among some of the girls on campus. I was utterly thankful that the other leader on our trip was also a nurse because I stayed up most of the night with my sister and almost passed out of complete exhaustion, she took over. In the late morning after some IV fluids and medication, my sister was finally resting and able to keep a few things down. In my sleepy state, I marveled at how moms must feel with sick kids.
Also, how do they do it when more than one kid is sick?
I talked with the moms about it later, and we laughed at how some of the stories they didn't even believe they managed through. It was comforting to have all the moms there.
In my heart, I felt the tug of the Lord again. Between the babies and my sick sister, God was showing me little tiny pieces of what being a parent must be like. To feel deeply helpless and relying on His strength and plan. It was a beautiful thing for my heart.

 Sunday was the turning the point in the trip, a huge relief sigh for me. 1/4 of our team stayed to go to a local church service while the rest went to a mountain service. My sister was still recovering, and a few of the girls weren't feeling the best, so my husband and I stayed back.
At first I was afraid we would all feel like we missed out on something. But instead it was such a perfect gift after such a stressful few days. I am thankful that worship is the same in every language and that the Holy Spirit does not have a language. Worshiping with them felt like home. I could only understand maybe a few words that they said, and we were the minority for sure, but it was heavenly.
We spent the afternoon all together at the beach. It was refreshing to the body, soul & spirit.
The rest of the time for me was about helping finish the desks. I went to VBS for one of the days with half the crew and decided after that, the needs for desks was greater. The desks were being built for one of the schools and their desks were literally falling a part.
After a really involved front half of the week, I'm very thankful we had an activity that we could do at a lower level that was still helpful.
It was really different the whole trip after doing many outreaches in my home for several years, to not be able to help with basic things or not knowing where things even were. Something that God spoke so tenderly to my heart about, and then my teammates encouraged me also. I look back and see how easily I could've gotten really upset and angry or controlling, but instead I chose peace and looking for ways to serve my fellow teammates. And that was even by the grace of God.
By the end, some were ready to go home, some still processing and some sad to leave.
It's a beautiful thing to see God move and change people's lives.
I am so thankful for that opportunity.

Fear

When I was 17, I was fearless. I never broke the law or did anything unsafe, however I struggled immensely with poor authority figures in my life. It's quite possible I just didn't have any bad ones in my life until that point. I have always been one who's got along with people, no matter what age, older or younger. In that time, I pushed limits constantly, and my own agenda was the only one that truly mattered. I was kind of like a bulldozer. So yeah, not being like that any more felt like a good life choice.
Being fearless had a positive effect on me as well, this carried into my senior year and into my early college classes. I wrote two papers for two separate English classes, one on the effect of sex education in public schools verses education at home with parents, and the other on postpartum depression specifically in women who had an abortion. The first one my teacher argued with me about the content, still eventually gave me a B. The second, I don't remember my grade but I had to give a presentation to the entire class, I remember feeling kind of nervous, but no where NEAR how would tremble now.

 No fear.

When I was 19 and 20, with starting my new job, my first real life job. I experienced grown adults, twice my age speaking behind my back, instead of to my face, like they were freshly out of high school themselves. I gave the impression, to them that I didn't care about my job and that I had an attitude. It was a process I had to push through. Confrontation with different co-workers, meetings with my boss, etc. When I left that job last year, after being there for almost 7 years, no one believed that I had been under that much scrutiny in the beginning. I believe this was for two reasons, one I was the person that showed most people around when they were new and two I honestly kept a lot of frustrations to myself and dealt with problems by myself. Some of that was maturity, some of that was not trusting the people around me, still with the mindset of "what are people saying behind my back".

I allowed fear to dictate my life.
It's funny because I doubt anyone would look at me and see that. I'm still honest, I'm still open and I work really hard. But still I had thoughts surrounding my mind.

"Don't mess up."
"Don't show weakness."

This was affecting other parts of my life as well.
Music.
 I've been told was "to much" fairly often since I was 15 or so.
It didn't seem to truly affect me until I was turned down for a worship team position a few years ago. I was literally crushed. Even to this day, I know it was God saving me tremendously from a situation that would not have been the right fit for me, I still spent 4 years away from anything to do with leading or being a part of a worship team. I would sit down at a piano and cry, all of the things that were ever said to me about not being good enough would pound out in my head. So much so, I definitely had periods of time where I would believe them.

I believed the lies.

And so in two crushing blows, one against my character and one against my talent, I went on a downward spiral that affected everything. How I saw myself, how I gave up on myself. Through gaining weight, shying away from new situations, trying to fix every broken relationship in my own strength....the list continues.

I began feeling suffocated. I had no inspiration, nothing to really better myself for, no direction. Just "getting though" life, putting my head down and hoping for a better time. To be clear. It hasn't all been a mess. Strong truth of how God can still use you when you feel utterly useless. But most days, before going to sleep, I simply would just not feel good enough.

Now.
27 years old.

Right before my birthday, God was talking to me so much about a next phase of life. The phase of life that to this point I had nothing to compare it to. This wasn't just something out of the blue, knowing that my husband is going to be out of school in a year, that was most definitely something new for our lives. We have been living our lives somewhat in limbo, with dreams on hold, awaiting this time of freedom where we could finally get on with our lives.

Right then, I was challenged by God. He asked me if I was going to spend another year simply just "getting through it", wasting precious time of my life that I would never get back. He asked me, how much longer are you going to keep yourself boxed up in the "not good" enough cage? Why are you afraid to dream? Why are you so tangled up in saying "I can't do this" or "I must still hold on to that"? 

Say yes, and then let go.

Stop being afraid and trust Me more.

You have nothing to be afraid of, because I am with you.

You don't have to make yourself sick over situations, I will redeem them.

You trust Me.

And ever so gently, I've been letting go of more. Don't get me wrong, I'm putting forth effort into things, but I refuse to prove or convince people of anything. I believe you truly can't change other people, they have to believe things for themselves. It's our job to do our best, be teachable and listen.
It's are job to try and put forth effort and not be ashamed when we mess up. It's what keeps us humble. It's our job to question every time we feel or say "I would never be able to do that" with a "Why not?".

The beauty of saying yes to difficult things, to letting go of unhealthy things, even when you think it's impossible; is that you never truly are doing it alone. If you have Jesus, you are never truly alone. Another recent thing that has put a tremendous calm over my soul: even if everyone left me, I would never be alone or empty, not truly, because I know the one who lives within me giving me life. It is my greatest fear to loose the ones I love, and I pray that I never have to. But if that's what happened, He would still be there.

Another amazing thing to saying yes instead of no, taking that risk instead of holding back, fear only becomes a simple emotion. The kind that you look at later and are surprised that something so small could have such a hold on you. I don't want to be exactly like the fearlessness I had when I was 17. I want to be kind, I want to always respect the authority God has put in my life, and use to discernment of what to do in those situations. I want to be kind and patient, not like a bulldozer. But I want to hear His voice above all the others.
That He is for me, not against me. That He has good things in store for me. That He will fight for me, I just have to lean on Him. Because He is a good father, who knows my future.

It feels good doesn't it?

In closing, this verse: Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Conditioned

Don't settle. Change the world. Live on the edge. Do crazy things for God. Go to the ends of the earth. Live radically. ............. Nothing I haven't heard before. Growing up in the church, specifically in youth group, I have heard these types of phrases my entire life. Although none of these are incorrect, instead of my life being focused on Jesus and what He has done for me and others, the Christian life seems to be far more focused on what I can do for Jesus and others. Again, not exactly wrong, it just seems to be a little off balanced. I rarely blog anymore, however when I do it's after hours of thoughts and conversations with other people, I hope to be able to articulate what is in my heart, and I'm praying to be understood. Over the past few years, I have been examining how these types of phrases, and others similar, literally have dominated my life, for most of my life. I have been very convicted to unpack the statements, mostly because it's important for them to be reasoned out for my true understanding of what I believe. When people say Christians have been brain washed, I actually agree, some have. I can stand in confidence though that I have not. Why? Because I come to the Lord and question, wrestle, sort and weigh in order to truly know what I believe. And through the power of the Holy Spirit, the eyes of my understanding have been made open and will continue to as I search things out. It's not an easy thing to question what you believe. But it's severely important. Otherwise you're believing in something you don't understand, which actually is scary, like being brain washed. In the process of doing that, I have found that Jesus is the best answer, every time. It's not a cop-out, it's not sugar coated. I believe that He is and what the Bible says is true. It's not because I'm afraid to displease my parents or I've been just so sheltered I don't know what's really out there. Did I miss out on somethings growing up, yes, is that okay that I didn't have to walk down that path, yes. I still know that Jesus is the only hope. True, powerful, life changing hope. And if you don't believe me, than I dare you to try Him out. That has been the base of my thoughts for some time now. The most recent battle has been about how as a child who grew up in the church, who is now walking out what it means to be an adult, wrestling with how I have been conditioned to live out my life. I know that the message of going out and changing the world, being the difference so that as many people get saved is actually a good thing, at the very least the heart behind it is. I respect people who have that mission, but I'm not always convinced it's the best way. Yes, the world needs Jesus. But so do you, your family and you friends. Standing up for what you believe in is crucial and we are supposed to do so. But the way that you do it just as equally as important. Social media has created a very interesting platform for these two specific things. I find myself, often, debating on how I need to address current event issues or simply how I am expressing my own belief. I am still learning about that balance. I'm also learning that sometimes, no matter what you say, people are going to not agree, and even that's okay. Why? Because it's my job to reflect Jesus to the best I can. It's not my job to try and convince people to believe what I do because number one it won't work, and number two, God is very good at making a name for himself. In light of that, what does it mean to reflect Jesus? Is it about being so perfect that everyone around you just knows you're different? Definitely not, and also impossible. Is it about constantly sharing Bible verses and always having the answer ready to throw at anyone? No. On two accounts. One, why would the Bible matter to anyone that doesn't believe that it's true? To them, it's just a book. And two, sometimes walking in humility, admitting you're wrong and just simply listening is far more impacting. (I realize I just wrote about not using Bible verses, however the direction I'm going, I will be, take it as you will) The verse that always comes to my mind and something that I love about the Lord is that it's his kindness, and in some versions, goodness is what draws us to Him, that causes us to what to change our lives and repent (Romans 2:4). So as much as we are called to stand up and know what we believe, we are just as readily supposed to function on a level of kindness, and not judgement. Because let's be real. The true followers of Jesus don't choose Him because he forces us to love Him. We honor and adore him for what He's done for us, because He loved us so much He has given us life after death with Him in heaven. Not because we deserve it, but because He loves us. And that's why we love him. So therefore, by our kindness we reflect Him. It is his job to judge, not ours. Although we have been taught that being a Christian has to look a certain way, and even so the world has been taught of how we should look, that being a Christian means doing crazy levels of life to really be "walking out our calling", it's not okay. We have literally run ourselves into the ground, obsessed with having the best life or the most radical life to so "please God". We rarely ever talk about how good and right it is to be faithful in the small things. To be Jesus to everyone around us. Not to wait until you're in another country or you've become a pastor. But to literally reflect Jesus wherever you go. It is a challenge, it does look different than what we are conditioned to believe, especially nowadays. Knowing that there is no shame or lack of purpose in having a normal job, being a faithful husband or wife, loving your children and training them to believe things for themselves, and caring for those around you, truly and honestly. That even when you feel a lack of purpose in those roles, the Lord will always lovingly remind you that He has put you there for a reason. If you're willing, He's willing. It's something I wrestle with, as many do. We have been conditioned to believe that if we're not doing the "epic adventure" that we're not fulfilling our "true purpose". And that's when you're life falls apart. People get discouraged. They don't feel good enough. Marriages fall apart because they "settled" and God has "better". It makes me sick. When we start to believe that we're just in wrong circumstance, we begin to stray away from what He's given to us. That's right, given. He doesn't make mistakes. He put you there for a reason. He's not twiddling His thumbs wondering what you're going to do next. He is in control. My point is this, because I chose Jesus, I am not settling. Because I desire my life, no matter the circumstance, to bring Him glory and my eyes are fixed on Him, I am living an adventure that will never stop. I am enough because I have given my life to Him. I am blessed because I am His child and He knows my name. I will not fear because my hope for life and eternity rests in Him. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly". John 10:10. I feel like as you go through different seasons, you have a different testimony, and right now, this is mine. My goal for this entry was to share my own faith, stir up other who may seem caught up in life, and to challenge those who don't believe it's the truth. I am not a forceful person, but I am passionate. Thank you so much for reading this and hearing my heart.

Being a wife

Most of the time I feel like I don't know enough to give advice about anything really. I've said to my Mom countless times that I can't wait until I'm older and people will take me seriously. Often times older people reflect on their younger years and tell "us young people" that these are our best days and we shouldn't wish them away for anything. I responded once to someone that it is very difficult to be young, respect is hard to come by, even when you work hard at it. These thoughts constantly plague my brain and I decided that I'm through with it. It's a fear thing. It's a false humility thing. I ask God for wisdom and discernment and then walk in it, with humility. I know that regardless of the wisdom that I may have, someone will know something better than me and I have to be humble enough to admit it. However, I need to be bold enough to share what God has put on my heart for those around me, otherwise I am not using gifting God has given me. This is my preface for this blog. I have only being a wife for exactly 2 years, 1 day & 3 hours at this point when writing. I don't know everything there is to know about being a wife, I figure I won't know everything until my last dying breath. Hopefully before then (chuckle). However, I am tired of feeling discredited because I've only been a wife for as long as I have. When I speak positively about my husband and how I miss him when we work different shifts I get responses like "well that will get old", "one day you'll be glad to get a break from him", "it'll change once you have children" ...so on and so forth. I could spend this whole blog spilling my guts about how I feel when people say those things to me. I'm sure you can imagine. But I'm tired of focusing on what other people are saying to me about how I should live my life, I want to hear the voice of the One who made marriage & this man I am now married too. Let's face it, if you think marriage is about your life, you're wrong. It's a reflection of Jesus. I don't know about you, but my overall goal is to reflect him better. This leads to my first of six points. 1. I am a selfish person. In first 6 months or so of my marriage one of my closest friends asked me what was the biggest thing I learned about being married or about Josh. I remember so clearly how that question resonated in my heart because the immediate struggle within me was my pride based thoughts. God had very clearly shown me a lot about myself in a very short time of being married. Of course I wanted to say something silly about how we clean the kitchen differently, but I KNEW the right honest humble answer. And that answer wasn't for her, it was for me. I told her that I had an increase awareness of the selfishness that I didn't even think I had. Growing up I was the oldest of 5 kids, I was always making sure that had their dinner and clothes done when Mom wasn't home. I worked as a nurse's aid in a hospital and I took care of people continually putting their needs above mine. I was a pretty consistent friend who would initiate time spent. I had a great list of why I was ready to be married. But oh my. Let's just say I married a good man, and I serve such a gracious and loving God. The sacrifice is real, considering you're own needs & at the same time another person's at either the same level or above -- it's painful. Phew. Yielding you're heart and emotions to another person's needs/wants/desires. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it is worth it. And it's for us! Not so that we can somehow manipulate the situation so we get what we want in the end, or because of some kind of magic our husbands will change what they want because they see how selfless we're being. Nope, nope, nope. It's so that Jesus can be better represented in us. Are we not called to be more like Him? He who is the definition of true sacrifice? It's okay to have selfish flesh desires, we are imperfect. But how gorgeous humility, true and pure, will look on us. 2. My comparing problem. Comparison is one of the biggest lies ever. That constant the grass is greener on the other side, or they get flowers every month and I don't....ugh. It's such a hot mess. Before I was married and even really knew Josh, I always hoped and prayed that my love story wouldn't be generic or boring or sound like anyone else's story. God is good. Now that I am married, it feels like high school all over again only now we have homes, cars, husbands, maybe children...etc. And it's a big competition. It's weird because even though I spent my pre-marriage time hoping to be different and then once married I am stuck in the comparison game where I'm desiring to be more like other people I know. Goofy I know. But we all do it don't we? When you sit an reflect on how silly it is, it becomes simply that. To top it all off, it is so belittling to you're marriage. The marriage that you were given to grow and pour time and energy into creating what God has for you to in life. I have always really struggled with different comparison problems, and don't think for one minute when you get married your insecurities and struggles just go out the window because you finally found someone you can depend on. If anything they get magnified. Don't beat yourself up, there is so much grace in marriage. Sometimes I think God has all this grace pent up specifically for you and your situation, and all we have to do is ask. I am so thankful that I've had encouragement about this in my marriage. The devil is waiting to pounce and destroy your marriage, and I'm pretty sure that this very thing is a huge root of why divorces happen. Do not let comparison steal the beauty of the unique way your marriage is supposed to make a difference on the world. Don't let it share you're joy because it doesn't look like someone else. My prayer for anyone with this issue as well as myself is this amazing verse in Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 3. I don't have that perfect wife syndrome. As a Christian, growing up in church & being a woman I have heard countless things about Proverbs 31. If you don't know it by looking at it maybe "a wife of noble character" will ring a bell. Essentially it is the very portion of scripture that everyone always focuses their time and energy explaining a perfect wife. Growing up, I rolled my eyes and blocked it out for the most part. I read it one time at, probably, age 12 and promptly decided I was never going to be that great and all the people who focus so darn hard on it are just lying to themselves because most of it is just not possible (chuckle). Now that I'm 25 I have a little more respect for it, after all, it is the Bible. Also on the other hand, you really need to look at this chunk of scripture. It doesn't just say that she's a good wife, works hard at cleaning and keeping the house and the children. It talks about how she actively living her life. She is a wife, but she's handling money well, her husband has confidence in her, she buys & sells,she spends her time well, etc. She was more than Suzie Homemaker. This is my point. There is no "perfect wife" picture to be (again) comparing yourself too. Your home, your work, your children - everything will be done differently and that's OKAY. Being a wife is wearing many hats, and I truly think that's the message Proverbs 31 should send. Not a measuring stick of perfection. My most recent example is when Josh & I would bring food to many places, people just assumed that I made the food. When actually, I married a man who loves to cook, and who is ridiculously good at it! I used to feel guilty that I wasn't doing a good job as a wife. But oh my goodness is that the wrong thing! Be you. Wear your hats. 4. Letting my control freak go. I like to be in control. Due to being the oldest, I was naturally assuming the decision making role often in my family before I married into a new one. Now that I'm in the new one and working on not being selfish, I'm also tag teaming that not being overbearing/controlling thing. It's a very difficult thing to let things go. You are not your husbands mother. You are both apart of the decision making. You cannot wave a rule book over your husbands head and say that he cannot do things. I have really been curious about when women say things to the extent of not letting their husbands buy certain things or spend their time on things -- this is how I look at it: Are you, as the wife, also planning on giving up your shopping, getting hair cut and nails done...you know your own list. No? Okay then. Let it go. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it's not important to this guy you love. And it's respecting him. Supporting his decisions and of course sometimes asking why is respecting him as a man. Being a demanding woman never got her what she truly wanted. In Ephesians 5 it talks about how wives need to submit to their husbands. A lot of woman I know would cringe at that, and sometimes, yes I do to. However it tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Both of these things are HUGE. And they complete a cycle. If woman feel loved, they want to yield to their husband and if a man feels respected he feels secure and able to love. It's tricky, but it's good. My goal is to let my husband be him. I never want to hold him back of anything good in life. 5. I am beautiful. I don't think there is a woman alive who doesn't deal with self-worth issues. It's our personal battle on a daily basis. My husband is a very honest person. He does not continually shower me with compliments (thank goodness) and he has also told me that I am not a pretty crier. He has also told me how upsetting it is for him when he tells me I look good and my response is something along the lines of "you always think I'm beautiful". Wow is that totally not fair to him! Again this goes back to my own heart issues. Because I am living proof that even if a man is crazy about you and your body and tells you everyday, if you are not happy with who you are, it won't make any difference and it will be very sad for your husband. So what is the magic formula to being happy with yourself? Being finally your goal weight? Getting that muscle tone? Filling out in all the right areas? No. Of course working out is good, taking care of yourself is important. BUT, it comes from knowing what He says about you. Knowing what your true worth is. I challenge you to find that verse that resonates in your spirit. Mine is Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." The creator of the universe who made everything, all things mighty and beautiful, call you His. Whoah. 6. What love means. Something I have discovered about myself and I have begun to see it in others as well: I love talking about my husband. I love talking about how good he is with people, cooking, working, laughing, relaxing -- I love talking about it! I don't do it to rub it in others faces, I just feel so privileged to know him so well and get to be connected with such an awesome person. A lot of the time, we talk about other people and then we feel worse about ourselves, or better yet we will say something positive and good about ourselves after saying something good about our spouse. That's that competitive game again, that comparing business. But now it's not you against other people, it's you and your husband. If healthy competition is what makes it work in your relationship, more power to you, but not at a level where you have to put yourself up on a measuring stick next to your spouse. Appreciate the things he is good at, be thankful for them, be okay with not being good at everything. This is what loving someone looks like. As I close I will leave you with a thought. When Josh & I first started dating a couple rough things happened initially in our lives that brought us closer together, they were sad and difficult. In those moments we wanted to say that we loved each other, and we had only been dating for maybe a few weeks. We didn't feel like it was the "right time". But one night Josh was holding me in a hug and he pulled me away to look at my face and said "I love you as much as I could possibly love you at this point of our relationship". I feel the same way now. I know as much about being a wife as I could possibly know at this point. I'm sure I'll know more later. I may even write again on all of the topics and address them differently. But this is what Jesus is saying to me. He cares so much about our lives and our marriages. We have to share together. Thanks so much guys

the significance of fasting & prayer

In 2 days, my church will begin a corporate “Daniel Fast”, as many churches around the country do at this time. It’s an amazing way to start out the year. It can help you focus if you’re lacking direction. It can help cleanse your body of all the nasty you consumed over Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s. You can probably come up with more practical reasons of why fasting in the beginning of the year is helpful. Really though, fasting is an important part of our lives as Christians, for some very important reasons. In this blog, although I’m definitely not saying limited too, I will be focusing on four that have really helped me put some perspective on fasting and how to keep Jesus in the center. A lot of times, especially when there is a corporate fasting going on it’s easy to get caught up in the legalistic end of it verses focusing on the importance of it. I begin by saying this: My greatest conviction on fasting that it can only be truly good for you if the Lord has laid it on your heart to do so. Otherwise, it isn't the right timing. Before this past January, I had not fasted since I was 16. Why? Because the Lord clearly spoke to me that while I was in school and working that I didn't have time to focus on the main component of fasting which is spending time with the Lord rather than on other things/foods. I didn't have time to really focus on being dependent on Him, it ended up being that I was starving my physical body and not filling it up spiritually. So don’t read this the wrong way, I have incredible grace for those who know in their heart it isn't the right time for a fast. Here we go. Some basic reasons: -Jesus himself fasted (Matthew 4) -There are 19 verses in the Bible that reference fasting starting from the Old Testament all the way to the New Testament (christianteens.about.com) Some specific reasons: 1. To increase & deepen your personal prayer life & relationship with the Lord -Matthew 6:5-8( http://www.biblestudytools.com/matthew/6.html ) Jesus says "when you fast". He doesn’t say "if you feel like it someday when your new x-box isn't cool anymore or you really don't like chocolate, then fast". I love that although, there are many areas of the Bible that talk about fasting, Jesus not only fasted, but he directly taught about it. Another point to grasp in Matthew 6 is that fasting is linked with prayer. And not just prayer, the most famous prayer EVER. The Lord's Prayer. I firmly believe that Jesus is purposeful in everything. There is nothing that is simply “by chance" about this placement. The word moreover is used. The definition of that word (dictionary.reference.com) is: a "sentence connector" - which means in addition to what has already been said. I love that!! So there you go, prayer and fasting connected :) 2. Giving up pleasurable things, in order to see the Lord. -Daniel 1:8-17, 9, 10 I have been mulling over many verses in the Bible about fasting, and I think Daniel is key in the definition of what Biblical fasting is. In several accounts Daniel does an act of fasting, sometimes by clear explanation that he is fasting, and then others by the act of "giving up" things. - In the first reference ( http://www.biblestudytools.com/daniel/1.html ) it's about giving up pleasurable things, from the king's table no less. I love that they gave up what was being freely given to them, in order to not defile themselves to please the Lord to gain knowledge and wisdom. - Daniel 9 is another amazing reference of prayer and fasting, by name. Take the time to read this chapter. I really believe this prayer and the level of pleading mirrors how Esther and the Jewish people were probably praying, which we will get to later. Although it only talks about fasting in the beginning of the chapter, it's very important to tie in prayer with fasting; also reading a whole chapter is very enlightening. Growing up in church, I regret to say that I took a lot of scripture that I was told at face value, realizing later I wasn't even sure what it meant. Context is crucial! -Daniel's lifestyle of fasting is mentioned again in Chapter 10:2-3. This is the place that most churches take the "Daniel Fast" being 3 weeks long from. Again, the whole chapter is worth reading, however I found the key components of this chapter are that at the end of his fast, while he was weak he saw a vision (vs. 4-7) and He was encouraged (vs. 11-12). I feel as if the book of Daniel deserves so much study in comparison to the way we just blew through some highlighted parts related to fasting. I believe my own personal study during this time of fasting will be Daniel. 3. For change -Esther 4:12-16 ( http://www.biblestudytools.com/esther/4.html ) I have recently been going through the Beth Moore study of Esther, which is amazing, I would recommend it to all women! Learning the strategic moves of God through this book has been such a life giving source for me. I love that even though the devil was using hatred against God's chosen people to wipe them out, God used this threat to turn the hearts of the Jewish people, who had really turned from Him to be a part of the culture in Persia, back to Himself by praying and fasting for their people, to be redeemed. Does that give you chills? That you serve a God who loves to redeem His people?? Oh my gosh, I get so excited!! -Is there a friend? A family member? Someone who you've been asking God to rescue? Pray and fast for them. Don't limit what God can do in your life and in others. Obviously, His will triumphs over our plans, but who knows if He hasn't put you in the midst of this situation "for such a time as this" (Ester 4:14)? Maybe it's to win someone to Jesus, maybe it's just to plant seeds in their hearts, maybe it's specific words that you need to say to them, maybe it’s just for the Lord to come in an soften their hearts. You don't know, but God does. Esther prayed and fasted to save a nation, the significance of that is still evident in our world today. 4. For the oppressed and broken; to bring glory to the Lord -Isaiah 58 ( http://www.biblestudytools.com/isaiah/58.html ) This chapter is one of my single most favorites. I literally started crying at the end because of how it resonates in my heart. -In the beginning (vs. 1-5), I think we can tie similarities to how Jesus refers to the religious leaders in Matthew 6 about fasting and praying. And also I think to how sometimes the church can view it. We sometimes believe we serve an ATM Jesus, wanting answers right away, wondering why God doesn't notice what we have done for Him. Demanding and acting as if we are entitled from things from God is really not the best heart to have. Fasting will always go back to what is the condition of your heart? Are you truly humble before the Lord, asking Him to come and have His place in your life and lead you? This is a very good question to ask ourselves regardless of if we're fasting or not. Because if we set our hearts on what the Heart of God wants, we will receive so much more of Him. -Then!! In verses 6-14, BAM! We get knocked out by the significance of fasting! It is for a great purpose! There's not even a need for explanation, just read this!!: "Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. " -Isaiah 58:9-12 One other point that is helpful and important with fasting: Having specific things your fasting about. Last year my husband prayed and fasted for another vehicle and for God to also provide him with a new job. We were down to one car and it was difficult. During the fast, a family friend of ours gave us a truck, that is thankfully still doing well. We gave glory to God. However, God did not give him a new job, but He has given him a new attitude towards his job. I asked that God would give me a leadership opportunity to able to invest in His kingdom, and literally the Monday after we started the fast, my Mom and I spoke about me subbing in to teach for her, which led to me again teaching this year. God is good. Sometimes He doesn't come through like we want, but He does come through. Having specifics when you fast also help you stay focused in your prayer time. Personally, I cannot wait to start fasting this upcoming week, I know it's crazy, but I am excited about what the Lord wants to do in my life and those around me. The fast I am participating in is essentially a vegan diet, minus sugar and I am also fasting my personal TV show time and to only listen to worship music during this time. The essence of fasting is giving up pleasurable things, in order to strengthen our walk with the Lord. I truly believe it can be food or stuff, or both. I hope this was thought provoking and was able to speak to your hearts! Jesus loves when we seek His face above every other thing; the boot camp of that process is fasting!

two worlds: dreamer & doer

Dreams. Hopes. Plans. Busy. Time. Work. I'm hoping by the end of that you were cringing, because I know I was. I feel often that those are the components of my being and that line up is the order I would love for them to be truly lined up in. However, as many of you have experienced in the world of grown-ups, as have I, the order is usually the opposite of above and by the time you get to the dreaming portion of your day...well, you're asleep or about to be. My father is the greatest example of a dreamer in my life. He dreams big and remains hopeful until proven utterly undo-able, and then still holds out for God to work. He believes in people, has faith for them to run to Jesus even when everyone else has given up on them. When I was 8 years old he bought a crack house in Cleveland on the edge of a government housing project, gutted the entire house and raised a family there. Not to mention the countless amounts of missionaries & God-lovers they have housed for all different periods of time and the amount of ministry that has happened in all 3 of our living rooms -- because of they're availability to God. Because of his dreams, and actions on those dreams, so many people's lives have been touched by Jesus. I will tell anyone my family is crazy, because, let's face it, they are :) but I've never met anyone who loves more like Jesus does than my Dad. Needless to say, but I will, being a dreamer is in my blood. Over the past 3 years or so, my life has had to come to an incredible halt and the discipline of learning multiple facts for hours and hours took the place of all different levels of free time. Plus I met the love of my life, a true dream fulfilled. Now I have entered into a season where free time is making it's way back...and I've been struggling. The once free spirited girl who literally had no worries, not to much structure now has a "big girl" job, husband, bills, is used to agendas and schedules...and forgets to have time to create. It's probably extremely evident in the fact that I go months without blogging and haven't written a new song in over a year. "God what do you want me to do? You've put dreams, desires and hopes in my heart, I don't want to miss out on what you have for me." A daily conversation I have with God. Recently, the two dreams of my heart, that have brought me to tears several times are I want to have children with my friends & watch our children grow up together; I want to make music and be able to participate in ushering in the presence of God. I have to will myself quite often that God is in control and has better plans that I could ever imagine, which could possibly mean them looking entirely different that what I want. Because life happens, plans are just simply that. People move away, situations change, opportunities fail to reveal themselves. I am not bitter, I feel like it may come across that way simply because the tone of my heart couldn't possibly be heard perfectly through the words on the screen, I am simply being very honest. The perfect life we all long for is not here on earth. We get glimmers, sights, love and compassion, but heaven is a our true home. With that being in mind, that hope clearly set before us (Romans 14) I have come to terms with the desires of my heart, not just the two mentioned of course, may not be fulfilled here on earth, it may have to wait until we reach heaven where all fullness is in Jesus. Oh my. I guess take a minute and think about that. When I start to meditate on that, my eyes come off of me and go to Jesus, because in all of my selfish ways and my personal desires, knowing that one day that will all be over and there won't be any need to strive for those things we desire anymore...brings me such peace. Thank God. ................................................... ................................................ ........................................... ...................................... ........................... .................. .............. ............ ...... ... .. . Okay... I really didn't want to go plowing past that point. I have now set the stage of what I REALLY wanted to blog about :) A few nights ago, I had a dream that was about those two things that I have most recently been pleading to God about. I woke up feeling heart-broken, not because they were sad dreams, but because they were so imprinted on my heart that they had began showing up in my dreams. I am not a very detailed night time dreamer, usually if I remember dreams it's because they're traumatic enough to scare me awake, but not this dream. If anyone follows me on instagram, pinterest, or Facebook you know that I am making an attempt to conquer as much as my pinterest as possible at this point of my life. Some people role their eyes about pinterest, calling it a waste of time...which it indeed can be, however it gives me the opportunity, no matter what the weather, to dream. I think that's why guys love video games and playing sports. Because we have been raised in a society that doesn't have time for dreaming and playing the "what-if" game once you become an adult. Here I am in the middle of being a dreamer, and becoming a doer. The important thing is to be in a place of allowing time for dreaming, because it's beyond important. I need to do more dreaming and relaxing at the piano, I know it and it's a main priority right now. However, you can't just be a dreamer...as my Dad as taught me countless times, you have to have faith and drive to follow through and see what happens. In my life, Jesus is not separate than my reality, he's definitely a part of when I cook, clean, layout, read, workout, work...you know, life! Because of that, I try to include Him in all of my struggle and even silly things like my pinterest challenge. I give Him my dreams and pray He'll give me the strength to either achieve them or let go and wait for His best. I don't know how I possibly have not learned this lesson yet, I guess it's utterly ongoing. I love to learn, don't get me wrong, but this lesson, this balance is such a tough one. Letting God do His thing, trusting Him with your desires, because He put them there, YET not just sitting around waiting for things to happen, dreaming without any movement, but walking in faith and perseverance to achieve THE goal. And THE (ultimate) goal, is to reflect Jesus. I am a very goal oriented person, I feel accomplished when I finish somethings, however, I really need Jesus to guide my dreams & my feet daily. Thanks for reading guys, I think this has been one of my favorite blogs to write!