That's all I got today.

So I'm sitting, listening to rain on my typical Cleveland street. *Cough* Ohio street, you know where it rains every couple days, just to let us know we live in a really weird weather state. Anyways, I'm sitting, eating dried fruit (even though I know it's not very good for you), contemplating love.
I just watched Hitch. It always makes me think, because as corney as it may sound...or rather read...I love "one-liners" in that movie, because it at least sounds genuine. And it makes me laugh, ridiculously hard.

This weekend, or even week, was so packed. First week off from school, jammmmmm packed with places to go and people to see; but I feel alive and engaged. And that is wonderful. It pulls on my emotions and drains my energy, getting to see everyone, but that's life and I love the people in mine.

So love, it's kind of a funny, ever-changing, different for everyone kind of thing.

I love the married people I know who are either new parents or aren't there yet, who still have that pre-marriage glow.
I love seeing pictures from proms & formals of boyfriend girlfriendness in matching ties & dresses.
I actually really love seeing men/guys who wear a hair-tye around their wrist, just in case their girlfriend/wife may need it eventually.
I love being around my friends who are in love with someone, you can't help but smile and laugh, because that's what it's about right? Loving people, loving to see them be happy.
I know it's not ONLY that of course, but it's part of it.
I can't help it, I love seeing attractive people in pictures together.
I love seeing my brother excited his girlfriend is coming this week to visit!
I've never met her :] and I'm excited too.

I love seeing ex boyfriends happy with their new girlfriends.
There I said it.
And it's true.
I think that's the good kind of love to have for people too. The kind of love that wants the best for them, not to being selfish.
It's probably the hardest thing for me to ever learn. I am a very selfish person. Sometimes I say things that need major tact. I was just saying a few days ago, or acknowledging I have no good thing apart from God.

So with that swirling around in my head, I've also realized that love is serving people and anticipating their needs. I'm not gonna lie, when people do that for me, I melt inside.
Because I love being served, I have to also learn how to love serving others. So not easy, sometimes it is, other times it's really not. And not just serving them, but caring for their needs above your own. Not to the weird, creepy level. The loving and gentleness level.
I have to learn this, backwards and forwards, over and over. It's so important.

I didn't mean to end on such a serious note, or maybe I did and just didn't realize how deeply this sits within my heart.
And that's all I got today.
Love=Servanthood.
It has many other looks, colors, feels and meanings.
But the best, and the most geniune is servanthood.

an older post...

I wrote this the summer I was 18, graduated from highschool, experiencing some seriuos heartache, it so beautiful though to me and is still a reflection of who I am. I thought I would share it with you guys. Enjoy :]
~~~

i.me.she.girl.human.passionate.romantic.loved.bethanysharon.

i am the kind of girl who will dance in the rain or at least spin.

i am the kind of girl who will run around in her room to make sure her sweat clothes match.

i am the kind of girl who will stick with eletronics for the day because it's easy and i can talk to a lot of people + listen to music at the same time[ohh and write blogs]

i am the kind of girl who will close her eyes and worship and forget about everyone else.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't care about what other people think but will ask questions anyways because i still want to know.

i am the kind of girl who runs around in a circle until she figures things out.

i am the kind of girl who eats their words.

i am the kind of girl who would rather have an ice cream date then a fancy one.

i am the kind of girl who loves to be around people i don't have to change for.

i am the kind of the girl who likes getting purposely lost just to spend time and goof off.

i am the kind of girl who loves to drive with the windows down.

i am the kind of girl who can be ready fast but who likes to take her time.

i am the kind of girl who loovvvess chocolate but knows it doesn't make everything better.

i am the kind of girl who likes kisses on the forehead & hands.

i am the kind of girl who wears flip-flops from march-november.

i am the kind of girl who'd rather dance with a scarf then nothing at all.

i am the kind of girl who enjoys beauty, but the natrual kind.

i am the kind of girl who is a girly girl and is not afriad of it.

i am the kind of girl who will cheer for you not play in the game with you.

i am the kind of girl who makes mistakes and pulls back up again, trying harder.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't always think first.

i am the kind of girl who protects those she loves.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't hold many things back.

i am the kind of girl who can get annoying if you spend to much time with me.

i am the kind of girl who wants more than an average life, but who wants to have a simple one.

i am the kind of girl who will sing, but not on the spot generally.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't try to hard.

i am the kind of girl who will cry when it hurts.

i am the kind of girl who will listen to you when it matters.

i am the kind of girl who gets bored and writes long things because she feels contemplative.

lol

and yes i am the kind of girl who writes like crazy.

i am that kind of girl.

i want lots of things. but only get few. i thank God everytime i wake up another morning. i love the sunshine always but know the rain has to come. i hold those close to me hoping they stay around. i try hard, but fail. get puffed up and fall flat on my face. yeahhh that's me. i am a princess in my Daddy's eyes. earthly and heavenly. and thats enough for now.

i am loved...

count downing, waiting, anticipating.

Soooooo.... I have 6 days before is school over.
I'm super stoked, pumped, excited...to put it lightly, I occasionaly break into squeals.
In between reading, and finishing up the rest of school this past week, I have been relaxing a good amount, simply being next week is gonna be like study, breathe, sleep -- and repeat. But the month of May will be a wonderful break before summer classes, and for that I'm really happy.

I have kept from writing in here blog, because there isn't always a need to be a open book, and discretion is needed when having a blog.
God has been showing me pieces of His heart though, and helping me to understand what kind of heart He's given me. Last week, we had this 4 hour learning thing at work, about "relationship based care". It was hard to just sit there and hear someone who wasn't really interested in solving problems, rather push all the old crap under the rug and try something completey new. We did this excersie at the end where we had to share our ideas about how to make our work place better with other people. Everytime I opened my mouth, I was suprised of the amount of conviction that was coming out of my mouth. I went home discouraged because I felt like it was the hardest thing to maintain such conviction in a day in and day out going to work & school.
I feel like I have so many dreams to pursue so many things, but it's not time for most of them. I have to learn to be content, but not stagnant. To trust and rest in His peace, but not become lazy. Ugh, lol.
However, there are moments that I am reminded why I do what I do, why I was made for this time and place. I got to pray with one of my patients this past week, and, as always, it touches me more than they could ever imagine. God is so good, and He has good things in store for me.
Waiting for that is now, but also waiting with anticipation of what is coming. Ultimately, what is coming is heaven. Where there will be more tears, worry, sorrow, confusion...fill in the blank...etc.
At C-Hop we've been singing into John 14:1-3, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

It has been the greatest comfort to me, given me strength to press when I don't feel like anything is worth it. Having the understanding He is in fact preparing a place for me in heaven to be with Him, causes me to believe that now, while He has me on earth He also has good things for me. The second part of that is also believing that the good parts of my life that have passed aren't the only ones. It's a hurdle, and it's about trusting Him. And thanking Him. For my life so far, the moments I wouldn't trade, everything I've learned, every challenge that beckons me to reach for something more.
These things have awaken my heart.
There is more in store ;)
Off to some life.
Later guys <3

one more month...

SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!!
Ask me sometime how excited I am, just ask. You will laugh, because it's so ridiculous.
Thankfully, this last month is already proving to be rewarding, for the first time all semester. I am passing, if not almost passing, everything. I really have been enjoying taking care of my patients, talking to them and learning about ways I can help them. I love the people I go to school with; they are possibly some of the most amusing, ridiculous, intelligent people ever. It's a lot of fun to be in school with them. Lord willing, I will continue to be with them as school continues.

Nursing school is some of the hardest schooling.

Some advice to first semester nursing students:
-Don't ever listen to anyone about not reading, that is a mistake.
-You will be so sick of carrying multiple bags everywhere, so make sure, when you don't have to, don't carry a bag/purse.
-Don't argue to long with teachers, in the end, it probably...like 80% chance, won't change the situation.
-If you do have something to argue, be direct and have clear evidence behind it.
-Don't take anything personally, everyone is tired, frusterated and stressed.
-Bleach wipes remove highlighter stains from white scrubs.
-Eat good food. Drink more water than coffee. Take naps.
-It is possible to survive on 4 hours of sleep, even though your bed is telling you it's not.
-Peanut M&M's are THE best picker-uppers in the middle of the afternoon because of the protein/chocolate combo.
-Wearing boots with scrubs is way more helpful that it is silly.
-Keep blankets in your car, for early morning driving & afternoon naps.
-Take one day at a time, there is no sense stressing about 2 weeks from the point your at.
-You will get sick. Take lots of Vitimin C.
-Honesty is the best policy. If you don't know something, ask.
-Keep your stethoscope near.
-Take days off, de-stress!!!!

And last but not least, praying in the morning helps you push through anything and any level of tiredness. Beautiful it is.

That being said, I'm gonna get back to reading for the night and get ready for class all day tomorrow and the test on Friday. Prayer is always appreciated :]

I can't wait when I have time to write better blogs, but such is my life at the moment.
My Dad made the comment the other day that I don't need a boyfriend, I have school.
Hah thank goodness for school!

Much love :]

friday nights.

all day, there is this hint of anticipation...just to know we'll be together later in the evening.
arrival time is not mandatory, come when you can, you are welcome.
such different age groups, faces and past experiances gather around the different sizes of food to be quiet, for just a moment, and be thankful.
people scatter in many different rooms, somehow still being in the same sphere and mindset. playing games, eating food and talking.
the conversation carries on about serious, important things involving fasting, women's place in the church and forgiveness. shortly these conversations evolve into fits of laughter, about silliness, pictures or something funny someone said or did.
joy is brought here.
as the night moves on, people dwindle out and the core people remain.
my personal favorite time of the evenings.
laying on carpets and couches, we discuss things that make us smile, and take us back to when life wasn't so complex and baffeling; even though at the time we thought it was.
we talk about books, clothes, toes and music.
doors get opened, then get shut, attempting to blance out the heat level in the room for the many bodies all crammed in one room.
jokes get told, three different conversations happen at once, at least.
love surrounds us like a blanket.
the bantering continues, everyone talking everyone. like being with extended family who spend a large amount of time together. group discussions to one-on-one in a matter of minutes. juice gets spilled. clean up as we go.
sooner than later, the men that we respect and look up to call it a night and the mass amounts of giving hugs begin.

many people my age would much rather be out, partying, dressing up, going to the movies, spending time with significant others and trying to be much older than we should really have to be.
but I choose this.
being with people who are like my parents, older siblings, younger siblings...learning more about manners and when to speak and when to listen every time. this is the church, I believe this is what we were made for.
it's beautiful and rare and I am in love with it.

place.

The sun is out. The world is waking up from the slumber of snow and slush.
Possibly not quite yet, it is Cleveland and we will have snow through April, I'm sure of that.
Change is lingering in the air...peering down on us waiting to leap and yell "Suprise! You didn't see that coming did you?"

It's always an interesting thing when change comes for me. Especially if it's only one part of my life undergoing change. If change comes, I like to take it all at once instead of one by one. I know...a little strange but, that's me. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed...but it will all get sorted out some way some how, eventually.
Again, not much is actually changing.
My school is not changing for a while, my family isn't changing, my house is not changing, my friends [are changing but not leaving me or anything lol] are not changing. I know what I do on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday aren't changing.
The change lies in an element of my life I tend to wheep over and turn my back on the next week. But even more so in the kids that love this part of my life that has been present since I was eight-years-old. My neighborhood, our ministry, Kingslove, the River.
Three weeks ago or so, God put on my heart to start the 40-day fast that a bunch of the kids who usually do Kingslove are doing specifically for our neighborhood. The last day of the fast ends on the first day we will be doing a Spring Kingslove weekend.
I was driving home from C-HOP on a Thursday and I was praying about really specific things and once I turned onto my street I felt this very strong push to drive around the neighborhood and pray. I was praying against all the negativity in my heart and pleading with God that He would show me how to turn and love these people again.
Living here for 13 years has done major damage on my heart, in good and bad ways.

Learning to trust people is very difficult, Christian and non-Christian people who have come in and out. Watching my parents struggle with lack of committment or honesty has torn me up inside.
However.
Some of my greatest moments have been spent watching the little girls understand a dance move. Or singing with them at the piano in my living room. Holding them while we read to them. Giving hugs to people I've never met before. Buying cookies from the Cookie Lady, Timika. Watching people come and serve alongside us and have their lives be changed before my very eyes.
It's so hard, but so good. BUT so hard to alway remember the good.

Hmm so, the change.
I won't be able to do Spring Kingslove except for Thursday and Friday night because of work and school; and just as I have always prayed and hoped for, people are stepping up and rising to the occasion. It's the most beautiful, yet somehow scary thing for me. It makes me wonder where my place is. It makes me want to check out totally and not give imput or even pray about it. Even though my heart is engaged for it. I begin to believe the lie that there is nothing here for me and that I have nothing of worth to give.
Such a lie. I need to be reminded of this almost daily.
Because it's not about me and what I have to give. It's about where God's placed me and how humble I need to be in serving people for Him.
I know it all in my heart, when I choose to awaken that part of it and respond to Him. But my head can disengage and focus on other things going on...forgetting where I live and where God has placed me.

This is my current challenge and hurdle. I can't close my eyes and forget. I don't know what kind of life God has for me, but I know how He has grown me up. I cannot let bitterness, anger, frusteration and hopelessness consume me.

resolve.

I have resolved to give God everything I have. And let Him do what He wants with it.
Reguardless of circumstance, how I feel, the people around me, how tests go.
I will do my best, not slack off. Be honest, not gossip. Respect, not manipulate.
I resolve to rely on His mercy and grace and not be wrapped up in what I think should be done.


Some definitions on resolve:

-to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)
-to clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.)
-a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.
-firmness of purpose or intent; determination.

Bible example:
1 Corinthians 2:2-5

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

This word has been ringing around in my head for about a week now. I found this verse in 1 Corinthians 2:2-5 that really hit home with me for a number of reasons. I was flipping through my Bible finding the word and I found this verse. I read it five times to try to figure out the full meaning. Basically Paul is saying "I know nothing more than who Jesus is". That he is not a mighty man, it's not his words they're Jesus'. And our power is in Jesus.
That put's so much rest on my heart. Knowing that I don't need to know it all, or always feel up to the challenge to share with people or be with them.

That God wants to work through me reguardless.
And I am not worthless in His eyes.
Based on that...
My resolve is not to give up and say I can't do anything. It is to press through and say I have a purpose. Because He loves me.
It's so beautiful and it changes my entire perspective on who I am.
I can't believe how His love continues to help me every single day.
It's amazing, steady and unchanging.
Forever and always.
I love Him because He first loved me.
He loves me reguardless.
That is my resolve.