change

A whole year without blogging, how odd for me...and what a year 2012 was. If you read my last blog, it's crazy to see all of the things I was anticipating come to pass. I am currently a nursing school graduate & a married woman. Crazy. If you know anything about getting married or getting through school, you will realize why I had to give up something I am passionate about. Often times in life, you give up multiple things to focus in on only few, or maybe one. I am thankful to have reached the point in life where I can return to the things my heart holds dear, revisit jotting down my thoughts about life and sharing them with you. I am baffled to think about the highlights of 2012, but I will venture down that path to attempt a snapshot. The year began in celebrating my Grandmother, Violet Fitz's life, with all of her children and grandchildren together. She passed away on December 30th, 2011. She had lived with us for the last 9 months of her life, which had tested our family in many ways - yet pulling us all closer together, making our last times with her memorable. Having all the family together in January was priceless...I will never forget the ridiculous game of Jungle Speed we almost all died over playing at the kitchen table. There are so many reasons why God gives us family, one of them is definitely for joy. Weddings began early in the year as well, my lovely friend Emily got married, I was privileged to get to be a part of the wonderful occasion. Everyone told me when I was younger that there would be a time where weddings would be happening all over the place - I didn't believe until it happened to my world as well! As you know, I was still in school this past year, 3rd semester proved to be very difficult for me, in fact, it's hard to remember much of anything else that went on during those 4 months other than studying. However, I found, much to my surprise, I actually really enjoyed working with kids! It has changed my direction for nursing - even if it won't happen for a number of years - I have a goal in mind. On the last test that I had to take, I could only miss 4 points...and that's how many I missed! Phew! Never again will I push it that close! Thanks to my amazing Mother, I pressed through and studied harder than I ever had. It was such a relief to plow into my wedding season without the burden of school. Oh oh how wonderful wedding season was...and how stressful! Planning my wedding was so fun, and I tried so hard to not stress out, but it was still hard not to. Regardless of the stress level, everything came together. I married the most amazing man, during an incredible ceremony of music, tears, vows and prayers. Looking through the pictures these past few weeks brings back all the warmth I felt that day. The summer truly began when my love & I landed in Mexico for our honeymoon. We had plenty of time to relax, have adventures and enjoy each other. Over the summer, I worked full time and really just adjusted to married life. To be honest, I wanted to implement all of the things that I thought would be the "right" things to do as a married couple, but Josh encouraged me to sit back, relax and just ease into the new life we began together. It was good advice. More on marriage, of course, to come. Change had begun, but more was to come, as had been anticipated. When one of the branches of our church closed, we took that as the sign we had been praying for to look for a new church. We knew that God was going to be taking us somewhere else in the future, even before we got married. I knew my spirit was not being fed or challenged and I was hungry for more. I am excited to share more about what God is doing in my heart as a result of the message the new church we have been going to is bringing - all to say now is that we love it there, we love the people, the mission, and what God is doing in us as a result of it. Fall brought a new church, as well as the last semester of school for me. In the middle of my school year, two other close friends of ours got married as well, Evan & Lauren. How fun it was to celebrate a marriage of two people, you know a similar amount, standing up there for them. It was a wonderful day, one that I won't forget. Dedication was my middle name during the past 4 months. I've never worked harder or for longer hours from the jump. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done to this point. I did feel very lonely because of all the time I isolated myself from others in order to study. In this past season, God, in all His love comforted me by something I've known for so long, but somehow had let myself forget. That I am never a lone because I belong to Him. What can I say? God shows us how awesome He is, even when we doubt it. In that frame of mind, heart and soul, I finished the semester and graduated the next week. The finish line was finally met! It's been a whirlwind ever since...In looking into the next few weeks, I am hopeful for the slow down about to take place. Even though I did not blog over this past year, I read many blogs via pinterest, which brings me to what I would like to start doing with my blogs...a new direction if you will. Up to this point my blogs have been just about life or what God has been showing me, I still want to include that, of course, but also other life stuff...like recipes I've tried & liked, work outs I've started, progress made with fitness...just my new life as a wife & a nurse! All of that to say, but simply to end with this - my world is on a continual path of change inside & out. I'm thankful for the past, excited for the new.

place.

The sun is out. The world is waking up from the slumber of snow and slush.
Possibly not quite yet, it is Cleveland and we will have snow through April, I'm sure of that.
Change is lingering in the air...peering down on us waiting to leap and yell "Suprise! You didn't see that coming did you?"

It's always an interesting thing when change comes for me. Especially if it's only one part of my life undergoing change. If change comes, I like to take it all at once instead of one by one. I know...a little strange but, that's me. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed...but it will all get sorted out some way some how, eventually.
Again, not much is actually changing.
My school is not changing for a while, my family isn't changing, my house is not changing, my friends [are changing but not leaving me or anything lol] are not changing. I know what I do on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday aren't changing.
The change lies in an element of my life I tend to wheep over and turn my back on the next week. But even more so in the kids that love this part of my life that has been present since I was eight-years-old. My neighborhood, our ministry, Kingslove, the River.
Three weeks ago or so, God put on my heart to start the 40-day fast that a bunch of the kids who usually do Kingslove are doing specifically for our neighborhood. The last day of the fast ends on the first day we will be doing a Spring Kingslove weekend.
I was driving home from C-HOP on a Thursday and I was praying about really specific things and once I turned onto my street I felt this very strong push to drive around the neighborhood and pray. I was praying against all the negativity in my heart and pleading with God that He would show me how to turn and love these people again.
Living here for 13 years has done major damage on my heart, in good and bad ways.

Learning to trust people is very difficult, Christian and non-Christian people who have come in and out. Watching my parents struggle with lack of committment or honesty has torn me up inside.
However.
Some of my greatest moments have been spent watching the little girls understand a dance move. Or singing with them at the piano in my living room. Holding them while we read to them. Giving hugs to people I've never met before. Buying cookies from the Cookie Lady, Timika. Watching people come and serve alongside us and have their lives be changed before my very eyes.
It's so hard, but so good. BUT so hard to alway remember the good.

Hmm so, the change.
I won't be able to do Spring Kingslove except for Thursday and Friday night because of work and school; and just as I have always prayed and hoped for, people are stepping up and rising to the occasion. It's the most beautiful, yet somehow scary thing for me. It makes me wonder where my place is. It makes me want to check out totally and not give imput or even pray about it. Even though my heart is engaged for it. I begin to believe the lie that there is nothing here for me and that I have nothing of worth to give.
Such a lie. I need to be reminded of this almost daily.
Because it's not about me and what I have to give. It's about where God's placed me and how humble I need to be in serving people for Him.
I know it all in my heart, when I choose to awaken that part of it and respond to Him. But my head can disengage and focus on other things going on...forgetting where I live and where God has placed me.

This is my current challenge and hurdle. I can't close my eyes and forget. I don't know what kind of life God has for me, but I know how He has grown me up. I cannot let bitterness, anger, frusteration and hopelessness consume me.