friday nights.

all day, there is this hint of anticipation...just to know we'll be together later in the evening.
arrival time is not mandatory, come when you can, you are welcome.
such different age groups, faces and past experiances gather around the different sizes of food to be quiet, for just a moment, and be thankful.
people scatter in many different rooms, somehow still being in the same sphere and mindset. playing games, eating food and talking.
the conversation carries on about serious, important things involving fasting, women's place in the church and forgiveness. shortly these conversations evolve into fits of laughter, about silliness, pictures or something funny someone said or did.
joy is brought here.
as the night moves on, people dwindle out and the core people remain.
my personal favorite time of the evenings.
laying on carpets and couches, we discuss things that make us smile, and take us back to when life wasn't so complex and baffeling; even though at the time we thought it was.
we talk about books, clothes, toes and music.
doors get opened, then get shut, attempting to blance out the heat level in the room for the many bodies all crammed in one room.
jokes get told, three different conversations happen at once, at least.
love surrounds us like a blanket.
the bantering continues, everyone talking everyone. like being with extended family who spend a large amount of time together. group discussions to one-on-one in a matter of minutes. juice gets spilled. clean up as we go.
sooner than later, the men that we respect and look up to call it a night and the mass amounts of giving hugs begin.

many people my age would much rather be out, partying, dressing up, going to the movies, spending time with significant others and trying to be much older than we should really have to be.
but I choose this.
being with people who are like my parents, older siblings, younger siblings...learning more about manners and when to speak and when to listen every time. this is the church, I believe this is what we were made for.
it's beautiful and rare and I am in love with it.

place.

The sun is out. The world is waking up from the slumber of snow and slush.
Possibly not quite yet, it is Cleveland and we will have snow through April, I'm sure of that.
Change is lingering in the air...peering down on us waiting to leap and yell "Suprise! You didn't see that coming did you?"

It's always an interesting thing when change comes for me. Especially if it's only one part of my life undergoing change. If change comes, I like to take it all at once instead of one by one. I know...a little strange but, that's me. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed...but it will all get sorted out some way some how, eventually.
Again, not much is actually changing.
My school is not changing for a while, my family isn't changing, my house is not changing, my friends [are changing but not leaving me or anything lol] are not changing. I know what I do on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday aren't changing.
The change lies in an element of my life I tend to wheep over and turn my back on the next week. But even more so in the kids that love this part of my life that has been present since I was eight-years-old. My neighborhood, our ministry, Kingslove, the River.
Three weeks ago or so, God put on my heart to start the 40-day fast that a bunch of the kids who usually do Kingslove are doing specifically for our neighborhood. The last day of the fast ends on the first day we will be doing a Spring Kingslove weekend.
I was driving home from C-HOP on a Thursday and I was praying about really specific things and once I turned onto my street I felt this very strong push to drive around the neighborhood and pray. I was praying against all the negativity in my heart and pleading with God that He would show me how to turn and love these people again.
Living here for 13 years has done major damage on my heart, in good and bad ways.

Learning to trust people is very difficult, Christian and non-Christian people who have come in and out. Watching my parents struggle with lack of committment or honesty has torn me up inside.
However.
Some of my greatest moments have been spent watching the little girls understand a dance move. Or singing with them at the piano in my living room. Holding them while we read to them. Giving hugs to people I've never met before. Buying cookies from the Cookie Lady, Timika. Watching people come and serve alongside us and have their lives be changed before my very eyes.
It's so hard, but so good. BUT so hard to alway remember the good.

Hmm so, the change.
I won't be able to do Spring Kingslove except for Thursday and Friday night because of work and school; and just as I have always prayed and hoped for, people are stepping up and rising to the occasion. It's the most beautiful, yet somehow scary thing for me. It makes me wonder where my place is. It makes me want to check out totally and not give imput or even pray about it. Even though my heart is engaged for it. I begin to believe the lie that there is nothing here for me and that I have nothing of worth to give.
Such a lie. I need to be reminded of this almost daily.
Because it's not about me and what I have to give. It's about where God's placed me and how humble I need to be in serving people for Him.
I know it all in my heart, when I choose to awaken that part of it and respond to Him. But my head can disengage and focus on other things going on...forgetting where I live and where God has placed me.

This is my current challenge and hurdle. I can't close my eyes and forget. I don't know what kind of life God has for me, but I know how He has grown me up. I cannot let bitterness, anger, frusteration and hopelessness consume me.

resolve.

I have resolved to give God everything I have. And let Him do what He wants with it.
Reguardless of circumstance, how I feel, the people around me, how tests go.
I will do my best, not slack off. Be honest, not gossip. Respect, not manipulate.
I resolve to rely on His mercy and grace and not be wrapped up in what I think should be done.


Some definitions on resolve:

-to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)
-to clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.)
-a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.
-firmness of purpose or intent; determination.

Bible example:
1 Corinthians 2:2-5

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

This word has been ringing around in my head for about a week now. I found this verse in 1 Corinthians 2:2-5 that really hit home with me for a number of reasons. I was flipping through my Bible finding the word and I found this verse. I read it five times to try to figure out the full meaning. Basically Paul is saying "I know nothing more than who Jesus is". That he is not a mighty man, it's not his words they're Jesus'. And our power is in Jesus.
That put's so much rest on my heart. Knowing that I don't need to know it all, or always feel up to the challenge to share with people or be with them.

That God wants to work through me reguardless.
And I am not worthless in His eyes.
Based on that...
My resolve is not to give up and say I can't do anything. It is to press through and say I have a purpose. Because He loves me.
It's so beautiful and it changes my entire perspective on who I am.
I can't believe how His love continues to help me every single day.
It's amazing, steady and unchanging.
Forever and always.
I love Him because He first loved me.
He loves me reguardless.
That is my resolve.

tired but awakened.

Another long week of school come and gone. My life is a frantic horse-runaway train combo that gives me a few days to re-focus and then go barreling into the next week.
I call this a passing week :]
Everything I did this week was passed and achieved. Wonderrfffulllllnnnesssssss!!!
mm mm mm.

I am still quite exhusted but my heart is so awake.
Last night, instead of my regular set at C-HOP, the Kanas City IHOP was on the screen and we worshipped and prayed with them for like 3 hours or so. It was so good. On many levels. But specifically, God really spoke to my heart about things that are so relevent in my life. Struggles and insecurities. It's always amazing to me when I hear things that resonate inside of me, reminding me that God knows.

The guy on the screen [lol], was talking about how somehow where along the line we have began to come into agreement with the devil. Even if we repent for sin, it keeps coming back, because somewhere along the line we agree with a lie we have been told. That in essence was what he was saying, there was so much more, but that stuck to me like a thorn...that just led to my heart breaking, repenting for coming into agreement with the lies.


Such a challenge. I never realized every little thing that could feed into something so strong...something like hearing that your worthless, stupid, ugly. Perverted words people have used towards you. Ideas that have been shot down. Those are the things I renounce from my life, in the name of Jesus.
I might be tired, but the past 24 hours have gentely, yet fiercely brought me to my knees and have held my heart.

Something else that was said was that what God did for you yesterday is not good enough for you today. You need to ask for more.
Every morning, His mercies are new.

Thank you Jesus, for loving us so much to come and be with us when we call for you. You are worthy God, yet you take delight in us. Thank you for not leaving, giving up, throwing up your hands or deciding you didn't want to die for us. For being faithful, true and just. Love you.

lovers and losers.

Hii guys :]
Thank goodness it's stopped snowing, and I have this week off from tests from school, big tests anyways. Everytime I walk into that building it becomes a test of something. At the least, my character.

So, it's Valentine's Day. The only day I literally hate the color pink and red.
I like red and I like pink. But together...it's just so ugly.
I've gone through every sort of emotion on Valentine's Day I think there is. I think it has finally start to lose it's affect on me, thankfully.

I remember one year, I believe I was 16 or 17; I was already having a rough day and I think it was a few days before V-Day, I had just officially broken up my previous boyfriend and had seen him after we had broken up. I walked through the isle of cards and such in Target, the ones covered in obnoxious red and pink paper and glitter; and I literally left crying.

...I have come on long way from there.

I've actually only had one Valentine's Day being a girlfriend, and it was with my long distance relationship. I remember writing a blog about the grass not being greener on the other side. Could've been the fact that it wasn't a healthy relationship anyways, but I think it also had to do with...realzing there's more to life, and love actually, then a silly holiday full of hearts and bows and chocolate and kissing and love notes.

Approaching Valentine's Day this year, I was thinking about the sad and very strong contrast of the people this day usually requires to stand out.
Lovers and Losers.

If you have someone, it's like the day that you are in love like never before and you don't spend a moment apart. If you don't have someone, your stuck alone, watching a sad, sappy, romance movie, drinking wine, eating chocolate and crying.
Sheeesh. It's so harsh! It makes me sad just thinking about it.
I also think it's kind of funny because I chose to spend V-Day by myself, chilling out at home because I've needed a break like this. I love that have this day to myself.
I won't lie though. The day that I finally have the right man in my life, I can't wait to spend time with him. Not just on the days that tell me to either. On days where I don't feel like coping with life and I need a break and he'll be able to take one with me.

I'm learning so much about being patient and waiting. I think it's such a big and important lesson that God wants us to learn. It's crucial to making the rest of your life.
It's a daily thing. Choosing between giving in and holding out.

Understanding love is very confusing to me. I know when I love someone. I care about them, I want them to do well, to be their best, to love Jesus, to find what makes them come alive. I want them to thrive.
I love people who encourage me, the people who take the time to know my heart.
I love God because He first loved me. Yet, I discover all the time I don't even understand that. It keeps surprising me, over and over. In new ways, drawing me closer to Him.

All these different labels of love.
I used to think that I knew what being in love felt like. But now, I know I have no clue. I don't think I'll know until I breathe my last breath. It's just one of those things I eagerly anticipate learning more about.
It amazes me when people say they're in love, because I am baffled by what that even would look like.
I hope to be pleasantly surprised when it finally happens. More than pleasantly actually.
Until that time, I will learn how to be patient [focus on school lol] and look at Jesus' face.

Now, I'm off to a bubble bath and candles and my journal.

*muah*
lovelovelove :]

ugaah.

today has proved so much to me. about pressing through and surviving. some of those things that I have learned from have made full circle and come to conclusions.
for instance, my drive home today from school, I slid so many times it scared me beyond belief. at one point I felt like throwing up, I couldn't feel my fingers or toes and I was trembling. I hate driving in the snow.
however, I got through I survied, I pressed on.
in contrast:
I came home, checked my math test, found out I have to go and take it again and meet with my teacher, and then tomorrow or Friday I have to meet with my OTHER teacher talk about my OTHER test. I'm studying and reading and writing like crazy for our test on Friday. school is so hard. I love the hands on part of it, and I do love learning...but at this pace where it's like pass or fail, it's scary and in knocks the wind out you, constantly.

my Dad verbalized it really well today, he basically said that I needed a little boost of positive before I went in and took this test in like...ehhh...like 32 hours or so.

I spent the last hour making notes and chapters and such, listening to music, just to keep me awake [I had clinicals today and yesterday...lack of sleep is huge]. There's a strong need for me to find some kind of resolve and not let myself be swallowed up in feeling insignificant.
Oh Jesus.
Save my heart. Save my soul. I want you. I need you.

21.

21.
twenty-one.
the big two one.
for sure an adult.
hmph.
I've been contemplating this blog all week...however...there's things called life...namely, school.
Anyways.

I was thinking, as usual. At the moment these are 21 things that have meant a lot of me in the past year. Worth documenting I think.

6 songs that have my made my year:

1. Where I belong - Cory Asbury. I was in the middle of the internship at C-HOP, mid-February, I was kind of having a hard time already with school and life. One of the long-timers of C-Hop was giving his testimony through music and movie clips. Pretty much the most ingenious things I've ever seen. When "where I belong" came on, with the words infront of me, I curled into a little ball in the corner and cried. It spoke to my heart so drastically and it still does everytime I hear it.

2. Salt in the snow - The Classic Crime. There's a part of this song, that says that winter's snow will bring summer's warmth. Kind of like in the Song of Solomon when it talks about the winter has past, and it's time to sing a new song. It was like there was more calling to my heart to just press through and keep going, no matter how cold I felt; on the inside.

3. Unstoppable - Rascal Flatts. I had a lot of favorite songs over the summer. I pretty much lived in my car all summer and took drives late at night all the time [plus driving home from work late at night], so a lot of the times my CD player was my only companion. This song basically sums up what love means to me. Other than that, I can't really say much about the song. Go listen to it, it's an amazing song. Annnnd it's still my ring-tone :]

4. My Beloved - Cory Asbury. I FINALLY go to hear the real version of this song! Sarah and I were rocking out to at like 12:30 a.m. at C-HOP one night. I can jam to this song anytime, any day.

5. Everyone one to know - Bethany Dillon (acoustic version, with her husband from Shane&Shane). This song makes me smile because I can hear her smile while she singing. Plus it's beautiful, and plus...it really puts this open call that Jesus has put on her heart...and recently mine. We'll see what God does with that. Love love love this song.

6. Everything - Tim Hughes. Now, I've never heard Tom Hughes do it, but apparently he does. I heard this song at church like 2 months ago for the first time, and I have been just in love with it. A lot of times, repetitive worship songs get on your nerves...but not this one.

5 new things I tried and liked this past year:

1. Reading a whole chapter before taking a test
2. Skinny jeans [good with boots, heels, flip-flops and flowy shirts]
3. Painting a room [but never again a ceiling lol]
4. Almay make-up [it's amazing, I would recommend it to anyone esp. their eye-color line]
5. Singing falsetto an entire C-HOP set

4 pieces of advice I was given and would give back out:

1. Don't look at the sin, look at Jesus.
2. Ask God for the things you desire.
3. Don't give up on friendships just because you want a boyfriend.
4. Look for the kind of man you would want to be your husband and the father of your children, that's the kind of man you want to marry.

3 hair products I would recommend to anyone:

1. Loreal Paris - EverPure [no sulfate!!! yessss] Shampoo & Conditioner
2. John Frieda - Frizz Eease Hair Serum
3. John Frieda - Frizz Ease Dream Curls Gel

2 things I just ...really lovelovelove:

1. Not driving, having someone else drive. Shot gun all the way!
2. Having really indepth conversations...followed by really goofy ones.

1 thing:

1. Jesus.
What He does for me. Everyday. Giving me another year of my life, full of His faithfulness. This year was very challenging. So many ups and downs. A lot of frustration intially, a lot of insecurities going into the summer...then God showed me some stuff. Stuff I hadn't really understood and really struggled with my whole life. It was like He was flicking some water on my face. The past 8 months or so, God just has been confirming all these things that I had so many doubts about and He keeps on doing it. I know it's vague. But sometimes things are better left unexplained. All I know is that God loves me passionately, He pursues me and wants me to look at Him.
...And knowing that, going into my 21st year...I am free.

--When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You still standing. When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through. I'll be found You. You make all things new. --