I know. It's been months.
This past week I feel human again. With working, the holidays & simply trying to keep up with everything, including sleep - I was struggling. But thankfully now, with 3 more weeks left of freedom, I am relaxing.
As always, approaching a new year causes me to become reflective, as it does a lot of people. It's been almost overwhelming thinking about the changes that will be taking place in the coming year, which has been specifically on my mind.
A few weeks ago, I passed my 2nd semester of Nursing School, allowing me to continue on into my second year! One of the girls I go to school with mentioned that we only have one more time signing up for classes before we're all done. So Lord-willing, a year from now I will have an Associate Degree in Nursing! One of those things I never felt would come. It's been a struggle, but a well worth struggle in the end. God has shown himself so faithful. Giving me opportunities with different people I would've never had, had I not had to re-do the semester. It was worth it. To be honest, I'm very glad I'm not juggling finishing up school, graduating, taking boards & starting a new job all at the same time of planning my wedding.
:] My wedding.
Another transition of 2012. I'm going to be a married woman! Very excited! Since we past the 200 day mark I feel like time is flying, yet saying goodnight to Josh and heading home tonight makes it feel like it lagging.
It's starting to really hit home, that my home will be different from that point on. That's been really startling to me. And not in the way that means I'm scared or not looking forward to it, just simply because it's totally new.
My life is changing before my very eyes.
Sometimes I don't even realize because it's going so fast, and all I can do is keep up.
But then when I get to slow down, for those few small moments, I can see it.
Priorities are so different at this stage of life too. I assume they will continue to change as time goes on. And it's hard, to have to pick and choose what things take a higer priority, sometimes it's makes me very unhappy. But, I can't do it all. I can't be there for everyone, even though my heart wants to.
I'm glad that God has given things back to me that I really didn't think would return. He's so good. He's good even when we can't see it, but oh when we can, it's so beautiful. Little things even, make the biggest differance to me, when God answers a little plee of my heart. It may not always look the way we planned or wanted, but it's so much better.
In conclusion, this year has been epic, in epic proportion. In amazing & difficult ways. Love was shown in greater capacity than I ever imagined. Things were broken and restored. Compassion came forth stronger on my heart than I had ever experienced, literally my heart breaking for someone else dear to me. Trust was built and struggles were pressed through. I know that joy comes in the morning. I know things are worth waiting for, fighting for.
Something God has been laying on my heart, that He's challenging me with is to not let expecting failure & dissappointment rule my life, expecting it from everything to protect my heart from it. But God has that role, and I so long to be in freedom from it, and to expect that God is living, breathing & working for the good of those who love Him. And I love Him.
Happy new year guys, I'm really excited for 2012!
December 28, 2011
August 24, 2011
post-it notes of thoughts.
I considered blogging about 3 times tonight, and then it started pouring down rain and the wind is blowing so much it shook the house a little bit. So, no sleeping at the moment lol.
Oh my goodness, so it's the last week of summer. How the time flies, but you know? I don't mind fall coming all that much. I truely love fall. On those few nights we've had so far and you feel that crisp autumn weather sneek-a-peek into our blazing summer, you feel it trickle in.
I'm not really counting how many more free days I have left before school starts, I'm actually really excited about my last few days.
Tonight Josh & I celebrated our one year together - I got 24 gorgeous pink & yellow roses and a wonderful night out at Crocker Park...except for the ice cream lol. I am not a fan of ColdStone, I am really not - their ice cream was so soft tonight it melted all over me!! lol The most unenjoyable time eating ice cream ever!
Ahem, moving on.
I get to see the new baby addition to my world tomorrow, little Selah :] - my first UNITE: Cleveland is tomorrow - Friday I'm probably going to go visit my dress - Saturday is the last summer beach day with Joshy :]
Such a full summer, yet a lot of chaos. I'm actually looking forward to the order that is now coming in the fall. Heading back to school...mixed emotions really. But as usual with me, I would just rather get it over with than dilly-dally around like sometimes I feel like I'm doing. Besides, all of it is one step closer to next summer - the summer I marry Josh!
Learning to realize what season time I'm in has been apart of this summer, I get so easily distracted and God has a way of gentlely tugging on my heart, reminding me of the reason I was put on this earth. How He wants to use me. It's been an interesting adventure.
The past two months have been full of adventures really. Planning a wedding is an adventure. Learning about being married is an adventure.
Last month I went down a river in a boat, that was an adventure. It made me very thankful that I had Josh in my corner. We went rafting you see, I fell out twice and had a pretty brutal tumble at that. Josh didn't over-do, he simply made sure I was okay and was very gentle with me. I love the way he is gentle. :]
Went on a road trip with the girls in my family, that was quite an adventure. I haven't had that much Starbucks in one long weekend in a while! Possibly ever! My cousin's wedding was gorgeous!! I enjoyed it so much!! We also drove up to the coast, so I got to see the Ocean this summer :] That was pretty exciting :]
Oh my, what a summer, I feel like just yesterday I was making my first trip to the beach. At the same time, I feel like it has taken enough time. Ready, ready, ready.
Prayers always guys, this season I know will challenge me, but I want it. I know the outcome will be beautiful!
Oh my goodness, so it's the last week of summer. How the time flies, but you know? I don't mind fall coming all that much. I truely love fall. On those few nights we've had so far and you feel that crisp autumn weather sneek-a-peek into our blazing summer, you feel it trickle in.
I'm not really counting how many more free days I have left before school starts, I'm actually really excited about my last few days.
Tonight Josh & I celebrated our one year together - I got 24 gorgeous pink & yellow roses and a wonderful night out at Crocker Park...except for the ice cream lol. I am not a fan of ColdStone, I am really not - their ice cream was so soft tonight it melted all over me!! lol The most unenjoyable time eating ice cream ever!
Ahem, moving on.
I get to see the new baby addition to my world tomorrow, little Selah :] - my first UNITE: Cleveland is tomorrow - Friday I'm probably going to go visit my dress - Saturday is the last summer beach day with Joshy :]
Such a full summer, yet a lot of chaos. I'm actually looking forward to the order that is now coming in the fall. Heading back to school...mixed emotions really. But as usual with me, I would just rather get it over with than dilly-dally around like sometimes I feel like I'm doing. Besides, all of it is one step closer to next summer - the summer I marry Josh!
Learning to realize what season time I'm in has been apart of this summer, I get so easily distracted and God has a way of gentlely tugging on my heart, reminding me of the reason I was put on this earth. How He wants to use me. It's been an interesting adventure.
The past two months have been full of adventures really. Planning a wedding is an adventure. Learning about being married is an adventure.
Last month I went down a river in a boat, that was an adventure. It made me very thankful that I had Josh in my corner. We went rafting you see, I fell out twice and had a pretty brutal tumble at that. Josh didn't over-do, he simply made sure I was okay and was very gentle with me. I love the way he is gentle. :]
Went on a road trip with the girls in my family, that was quite an adventure. I haven't had that much Starbucks in one long weekend in a while! Possibly ever! My cousin's wedding was gorgeous!! I enjoyed it so much!! We also drove up to the coast, so I got to see the Ocean this summer :] That was pretty exciting :]
Oh my, what a summer, I feel like just yesterday I was making my first trip to the beach. At the same time, I feel like it has taken enough time. Ready, ready, ready.
Prayers always guys, this season I know will challenge me, but I want it. I know the outcome will be beautiful!
July 7, 2011
embracing my summer.
I don't know about you guys, but keeping up the feeling of the general love I have for summer is very difficult this year. There's a lot going on.
As some of you may know, for about 5 months now my Grandma has been living with us. It was an adjustment at first, now it's just life. She often needs full supervision, so going places isn't as easy. The kids are going here there and everywhere, only Dan can drive at this point, so taking them to work or play is often thrown into the mix. Instead of one week of Kingslove this year, we've been doing it every Friday. My house is a three-ring circus.
Work is pretty much consistently crazy, I want to make more money but it's hard to go in on days where the sun is begging me to stay out.
Staying excited about being engaged and getting married sometimes fades away, I get caught up in the details and the planning aspect, I guess my mindset is that I'll enjoy later.
But I don't want to just do that, I want to enjoy it now too.
Asking God what He has for me in this season is tricky too in some ways. And maybe I need to get more specific about what I'm asking for, but truthfully, I just want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I ask him specifics for my friends and family, but not for me. In writing this, I may need to ask God is He wants me to ask Him for something specific. Hmm...
I got re-accepted into nursing school, I have a few hoops to jump through over the next couple months before it officially starts, but it should be fine. I'm excited to get back in the game, I really want to finish.
The weddings this summer have been so wonderful to be at. I have one more, but I'll have gone to 6 total this summer. Phew that's a lot! I am very thankful to have most of July & August weekends free, it will continue to be a reminder that it's summer.
I guess that's what worries me, that I forget it's summer. The heat reminds me all the time, but because it's been so busy, I get lost in the crazy.
Maybe I'll ask God to help me remember what summer feels like.
Sounds silly, but I just might.
Ask him to remind me the quiet nearness He loves to meet me with at night.
To remind me to quietly watch sunsets.
To remind me to love on my patients at work with encouraging words.
To remind me to encourage my husband to be.
To remind me to soak up the sun and enjoy the freedom of working out.
Those are good thoughts.
I really long to embrace some good old fashion summer enjoyments of mine. My last two months before I go plunging into school, it's time to remember summer time :]
As some of you may know, for about 5 months now my Grandma has been living with us. It was an adjustment at first, now it's just life. She often needs full supervision, so going places isn't as easy. The kids are going here there and everywhere, only Dan can drive at this point, so taking them to work or play is often thrown into the mix. Instead of one week of Kingslove this year, we've been doing it every Friday. My house is a three-ring circus.
Work is pretty much consistently crazy, I want to make more money but it's hard to go in on days where the sun is begging me to stay out.
Staying excited about being engaged and getting married sometimes fades away, I get caught up in the details and the planning aspect, I guess my mindset is that I'll enjoy later.
But I don't want to just do that, I want to enjoy it now too.
Asking God what He has for me in this season is tricky too in some ways. And maybe I need to get more specific about what I'm asking for, but truthfully, I just want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I ask him specifics for my friends and family, but not for me. In writing this, I may need to ask God is He wants me to ask Him for something specific. Hmm...
I got re-accepted into nursing school, I have a few hoops to jump through over the next couple months before it officially starts, but it should be fine. I'm excited to get back in the game, I really want to finish.
The weddings this summer have been so wonderful to be at. I have one more, but I'll have gone to 6 total this summer. Phew that's a lot! I am very thankful to have most of July & August weekends free, it will continue to be a reminder that it's summer.
I guess that's what worries me, that I forget it's summer. The heat reminds me all the time, but because it's been so busy, I get lost in the crazy.
Maybe I'll ask God to help me remember what summer feels like.
Sounds silly, but I just might.
Ask him to remind me the quiet nearness He loves to meet me with at night.
To remind me to quietly watch sunsets.
To remind me to love on my patients at work with encouraging words.
To remind me to encourage my husband to be.
To remind me to soak up the sun and enjoy the freedom of working out.
Those are good thoughts.
I really long to embrace some good old fashion summer enjoyments of mine. My last two months before I go plunging into school, it's time to remember summer time :]
June 23, 2011
another chapter of love in my life.
As promised, the engagement story!
On a lovely Sunday evening, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, as his wife. Hehe.
Leading up to that point was definitely not poetic and I am so proud of Josh that he stayed the course no matter how many times I butted up against him and the wonderfulness that was about to take place.
Two weeks before our wonderful day, that will mark history for us, Josh reminded me of the plans we had of going to the beach the first Sunday in June. Now, I'm sure a few weeks before, after I had told him I would be working that morning, he asked if we could go to the beach. Without much thought I probably answered "sure" - going to the beach is quite normal for me, it is an event but it's a weekly experience. Based on that, Josh began to skillfully plan his proposal. He had already asked my Dad about 2 months before, I had no clue. The night he asked, our church was having a joint small group and Josh ended up being 2 hours late. I was rather frusterated with him when he told me he had been "sleeping"...which is not unusual for Josh, so I believed him. Little did I know.
About a week before the big day, Josh & I were discussing our weekend plans as usual and I mentioned to him I was going to a "bride's maid's barbeque" that two of the women of our church were throwing that night, the night he had been planning to go to the beach. Josh reminded me of our beach plans that I had definitely forgotten about and didn't realize how much he had put into planning for that day. I argued a little bit, telling him we could do it another day, but he told me that we had to go to the beach that day. I reluctantly agreed, I let the hosts of the party know I wasn't going to make it.
While I was processing this, I realized Josh doesn't usually plan anything, so why this day? A couple days later he suggested I wear something cute to the beach. More thoughts.
Mind you, almost exactly the week before I basically swore off looking at anything related to weddings, I loved reading stuff and finding bargains online, but I always felt like I was being until I had a ring pushy. So now with him saying these curious things, my brain went into high speed mode. I tried my hardest to put it out of my head, to let it go. I knew it was still there the day before though.
The day before, Josh and I were at one of my friends graduation party and he told me that his roommate, Evan and his girlfriend, Lauren had asked what we were doing the next day, he told them and invited them to come with us. Being that we see them often, I was immiediately crushed. The special day that I was anticipating, even if there wasn't a proposal involved, wasn't going to happen. (Don't take this the wrong way, I love Evan & Lauren, but Josh made it seem like we were just going to hang out with them and it will be like just a normal fun day with the 4 of us.)
I didn't intially verbalize my disapointment, but I knew that it was building all day. I had gone to a bridal shower earlier, where a good amount of the people were engaged and I was just so frusterated because I had decided to try not to think about being engaged or weddings, but all I wanted was to be in on the wedding planning like the rest of those engaged people (lol).
Later that evening, I got very upset with myself for feeling sad. I shared with Josh that I thought he was going to propose and that we would at least have a special day and now we weren't. After I told him that I felt so ungrateful and I apologized perfusely for being so controlling and pushy. I cried and cried.
And Josh, oh my sweet Josh, he took it like a pro. He told me later that it took everything in him to not die of laughter, however he never faultered. He held me, prayed that God would give me peace and he assured me that he loved me, and, that he was cooler than proposing on the beach. (lol)
All that being said, I was able to put all of it out of my mind, trusting that God had such great plans for us, and I felt free from any pressure about getting married. I knew a proposal was coming, and it didn't matter when, because I knew it was coming.
I worked 8 hours of day shift the next day, never thought to much about going to the beach later. After work, Josh came and got me, we had an incredible day with Evan and Lauren, making hot dogs, taking pictures, going in the lake. It was lovely.
Right as the sun was starting to set, Lauren & I left the guys on the beach to use the bathroom and get ice cream. We were gone for probably 20 minutes. Meanwhile, this was all part of the plan. Josh & Evan were searching for the perfect spot on the beach. Lauren's job was to get my camera away from me once we got back down the beach. We took pictures of the sunset, she took a picture of me in the sunset and wala! she got it. On approaching the beach, I noticed Josh talking to a group of teenage girls, odd. He's very friendly, but not usually so direct with people he doesn't know, and he was pointing and waving them away. Needless to say I was confused, I asked him if he knew them and he said no. (lol) He actually was telling them not to step in his writing, and he also told them he was proposing. And that's all it takes to set off a bunch of girls. Hence the waving them away.
Those same girls were still hovering around once we had gotten back to our spot with our blankets and such. One of the girls in the group, much younger than the others, looked at me full in the face. I will never forget how her eyes danced. It startled me because I have never seen someone look that excited, and she was looking at me. I was so confused. Confusion passed quickly when Lauren directed my attention at the heart Josh had drew in the sand with our intials in it. I thought it was a very precious gesture, what a cutie I have, I thought. We took a few pictures, had that "awwh" moment. Seconds later, Josh took me over to what he had written. The only part that I fully read was the MARRY. In my mind, believing him that he wasn't proposing anytime soon, I let it go. I assumed he was simply make a pre-curser type thing to our engagement, saying that he wanted to marry me. However, he then turned infront of me and began to start kneeling. Still, I thought he was teasing me. I couldn't believe that he would tease me that much, especially since I had been crying my little eyes out less than 24 hours before. I shouted some "no's" out of pure embarrasement.
Then, he went for his pocket.
And the real shock set in.
He pulled out the little black box and I drew a very strong breath.
This was real.
He said my name and had me look at him full in the face.
Then without hesitation, but a little bit of nervousness he told me he loved me.
He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
He opened the box, and asked me to marry him.
My hands flew over my face, almost as if I were in complete disbelief.
About 30 seconds past, Josh reminded me I had to say something in order for me to get it on my finger.
I replied that I knew and to hold on.
I finally said yes. :]
The beach erupted with cheers and clapping.
Strangers took our pictures and came up to see the ring.
So precious.
And that friends, is the tale of my engagement :]
...it's real!!!!!
We are so excited!!
On a lovely Sunday evening, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, as his wife. Hehe.
Leading up to that point was definitely not poetic and I am so proud of Josh that he stayed the course no matter how many times I butted up against him and the wonderfulness that was about to take place.
Two weeks before our wonderful day, that will mark history for us, Josh reminded me of the plans we had of going to the beach the first Sunday in June. Now, I'm sure a few weeks before, after I had told him I would be working that morning, he asked if we could go to the beach. Without much thought I probably answered "sure" - going to the beach is quite normal for me, it is an event but it's a weekly experience. Based on that, Josh began to skillfully plan his proposal. He had already asked my Dad about 2 months before, I had no clue. The night he asked, our church was having a joint small group and Josh ended up being 2 hours late. I was rather frusterated with him when he told me he had been "sleeping"...which is not unusual for Josh, so I believed him. Little did I know.
About a week before the big day, Josh & I were discussing our weekend plans as usual and I mentioned to him I was going to a "bride's maid's barbeque" that two of the women of our church were throwing that night, the night he had been planning to go to the beach. Josh reminded me of our beach plans that I had definitely forgotten about and didn't realize how much he had put into planning for that day. I argued a little bit, telling him we could do it another day, but he told me that we had to go to the beach that day. I reluctantly agreed, I let the hosts of the party know I wasn't going to make it.
While I was processing this, I realized Josh doesn't usually plan anything, so why this day? A couple days later he suggested I wear something cute to the beach. More thoughts.
Mind you, almost exactly the week before I basically swore off looking at anything related to weddings, I loved reading stuff and finding bargains online, but I always felt like I was being until I had a ring pushy. So now with him saying these curious things, my brain went into high speed mode. I tried my hardest to put it out of my head, to let it go. I knew it was still there the day before though.
The day before, Josh and I were at one of my friends graduation party and he told me that his roommate, Evan and his girlfriend, Lauren had asked what we were doing the next day, he told them and invited them to come with us. Being that we see them often, I was immiediately crushed. The special day that I was anticipating, even if there wasn't a proposal involved, wasn't going to happen. (Don't take this the wrong way, I love Evan & Lauren, but Josh made it seem like we were just going to hang out with them and it will be like just a normal fun day with the 4 of us.)
I didn't intially verbalize my disapointment, but I knew that it was building all day. I had gone to a bridal shower earlier, where a good amount of the people were engaged and I was just so frusterated because I had decided to try not to think about being engaged or weddings, but all I wanted was to be in on the wedding planning like the rest of those engaged people (lol).
Later that evening, I got very upset with myself for feeling sad. I shared with Josh that I thought he was going to propose and that we would at least have a special day and now we weren't. After I told him that I felt so ungrateful and I apologized perfusely for being so controlling and pushy. I cried and cried.
And Josh, oh my sweet Josh, he took it like a pro. He told me later that it took everything in him to not die of laughter, however he never faultered. He held me, prayed that God would give me peace and he assured me that he loved me, and, that he was cooler than proposing on the beach. (lol)
All that being said, I was able to put all of it out of my mind, trusting that God had such great plans for us, and I felt free from any pressure about getting married. I knew a proposal was coming, and it didn't matter when, because I knew it was coming.
I worked 8 hours of day shift the next day, never thought to much about going to the beach later. After work, Josh came and got me, we had an incredible day with Evan and Lauren, making hot dogs, taking pictures, going in the lake. It was lovely.
Right as the sun was starting to set, Lauren & I left the guys on the beach to use the bathroom and get ice cream. We were gone for probably 20 minutes. Meanwhile, this was all part of the plan. Josh & Evan were searching for the perfect spot on the beach. Lauren's job was to get my camera away from me once we got back down the beach. We took pictures of the sunset, she took a picture of me in the sunset and wala! she got it. On approaching the beach, I noticed Josh talking to a group of teenage girls, odd. He's very friendly, but not usually so direct with people he doesn't know, and he was pointing and waving them away. Needless to say I was confused, I asked him if he knew them and he said no. (lol) He actually was telling them not to step in his writing, and he also told them he was proposing. And that's all it takes to set off a bunch of girls. Hence the waving them away.
Those same girls were still hovering around once we had gotten back to our spot with our blankets and such. One of the girls in the group, much younger than the others, looked at me full in the face. I will never forget how her eyes danced. It startled me because I have never seen someone look that excited, and she was looking at me. I was so confused. Confusion passed quickly when Lauren directed my attention at the heart Josh had drew in the sand with our intials in it. I thought it was a very precious gesture, what a cutie I have, I thought. We took a few pictures, had that "awwh" moment. Seconds later, Josh took me over to what he had written. The only part that I fully read was the MARRY. In my mind, believing him that he wasn't proposing anytime soon, I let it go. I assumed he was simply make a pre-curser type thing to our engagement, saying that he wanted to marry me. However, he then turned infront of me and began to start kneeling. Still, I thought he was teasing me. I couldn't believe that he would tease me that much, especially since I had been crying my little eyes out less than 24 hours before. I shouted some "no's" out of pure embarrasement.
Then, he went for his pocket.
And the real shock set in.
He pulled out the little black box and I drew a very strong breath.
This was real.
He said my name and had me look at him full in the face.
Then without hesitation, but a little bit of nervousness he told me he loved me.
He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
He opened the box, and asked me to marry him.
My hands flew over my face, almost as if I were in complete disbelief.
About 30 seconds past, Josh reminded me I had to say something in order for me to get it on my finger.
I replied that I knew and to hold on.
I finally said yes. :]
The beach erupted with cheers and clapping.
Strangers took our pictures and came up to see the ring.
So precious.
And that friends, is the tale of my engagement :]
...it's real!!!!!
We are so excited!!
June 9, 2011
how it came to be.
hello all,
so, with exciting news in the air about my relationship with a special man, I wanted to take some time and not only write a blog about our engagement, but also about us.
I have been waiting to be engaged to write this particular blog, although I've written it out to myself. I hope you are humored by our story, we have had a lot of fun living it out!
Josh & I have known of each other since we were about 17, because of mutual friends and church situations. I have often visited Cornerstone Chapel for their youth groups/young adult groups. Our first official conversation was at a Charlie Hall concert at Worldview (aka River aka Journey) in 2007, our senior year.
Everyone was waiting in line to be let in and me in my spunky 18-year-old stuff decided I wanted to be the first person in. I made a big deal about it, and no one seemed to care and let me go in front of 5 people in line. Josh was one of those people, he gave me a look with his gorgeous blue eyes that told me he was amused and knew who I was, even though it had been a little while. My best friend Erin pulled me aside during our waiting time and said "that's Josh Warner".
At that time of our lives, Josh had an interesting reputation of being a quiet guy who liked to be around girls, lol. Erin warned me to keep my distance lol.
Two 1/2 years past, every once in awhile Josh would be mentioned in conversation with Sarah or Erin. And then Josh showed up at the Vineyard in Parma, and I remember us having one or two interactions originally where we were both like "I know who you are...but I can't remember why" .
Still remembering to keep my distance, I wouldn't actually have many conversations with Josh, but he was around. He came to the house of prayer in Cleveland on Saturday nights, saw him at church stuff, especially a lot more after we both became members.
In October or November we had a brief convo over facebook chat because I heard about a girl he was starting to like, and I just told him to be careful and patient, not to just go for any girl. lol.
During that time frame, my cousin Ally became a Christian. It was so exciting and she wanted to meet as many Christian people as possible. So she came and visited me and met a bunch of people from church and C-HOP. Including one of my guy friends, Aaron and Josh.
Somehow, the four of us were slung into a party of planning a cedar point trip in the summer.
During this time, Josh and I were natrually becoming better friends, he drove me home from C-HOP one time. I scoffed at his golf clubs in the back of his car and the country music he knew every word too. I knew my Dad would like him, and I got scared (lol). We exchanged phone numbers one day because he told me how he would fall asleep while driving (at the time he had a 45 minute drive home) quite often, it scared me and I didn't want him to die. Seeing that I worked 3-11 most days, I told him if he was every getting sleepy he could call me.
Turns out I ended up calling him more. Our first conversation on the phone started off by me saying that he wasn't allowed to like me. That I had enough complicated relationships with guys and I really just wanted to be his friend. He told me he wouldn't like me, it wouldn't be a problem.
We text fairly often, mostly when we were watching Glee on TV or on Thursday nights right before I would start my set at C-HOP. He came to our Spring Kingslove outreach and gave me a decent hard time, just for fun. My favorite convo probably was when he was teasing and said "make me a sandwhich", I told him he had to build me a kitchen, and he said he could.
As our friendship grew, I firmly believe that it was the Cedar Point trip that made it very obvious that we were definitely friends. Best Cedar Point day ever, we all had so much fun. And from that day I really started to trust Josh. Still no feelings. Promise :]
Throughout the summer, we had a lunch a few times, still were talking, hanging out, seeing each other at small group, really being friends.
I still had this view of him that he was a laid back, push over, nice guy who would just like any girl who liked him.
That opinion started being put to rest in August when we took a girl he liked out on a date, after some wrestling with him, he finally told me about her the day before. I was happy for him, but something inside of me was sad, because I knew I would lose a friend.
After their date I text him how it went, he proceeded to call me and rant for a good 45 minutes about how rude she was...lol it was the most spirited I had ever seen him be, and it was hilarious!
That conversation led to several about what kind of people we wanted to date, which continued into our 6 hour car ride to Michigan for the camping trip Aaron and my cousin Ally planned for us to go on at the end of August.
However, the week before the trip, at church, Josh sent me a text that simply said "hey you looked cute today". I flipped, I called him later that evening saying "you can't go around telling girls you think they look cute, they'll start thinking you like them!" He assured me he didn't like me and he wasn't going too.
I did a lot of kicking and whining before this trip, I had to do major adjustments at work, I was missing an outreach at church I've always wanted to do, we hadn't gotten anyone else to want to go with us, we were leaving after I got off of work on Thursday at like 12 am, I was nervous about Josh falling asleep at the wheel...the list goes on.
Regardless, that Thursday evening while I was at work, Josh began to smooth my worries by simply asking me if I could trust him, to drive there and that we would have a good time. It took some convincing but when I came out at 11:30 and he gave me a hug, my worried melted and I was determined to have a good time. 3 1/2 hours later, we arrived at our half-way point, Ally's house. We had a wonderful time eating sugar to stay away and playing "would you rather" and talking about the kind of people we wanted to date.
The next day was an assortment of shopping for food for the weekend and a lot of driving. Once we got the campsite I watched Josh get frustrated with setting up camp, for some reason, I liked that? The only side I ever saw of him was at church...and people are usually pretty nice at church lol. Almost without realizing it, my attraction to him was growing, and I wanted to see how the water was on his end. I winked at him during his frustrated moments, his entire expression changed to surprise lol.
The playfulness between us grew from that point on. I knew for sure there was something going through his head when we went to the lake the last day we were there and he splashed me relentlessly. I was glad he wasn't afraid of me, but I was also a little on my guard. As the evening went on, I became more comfortable with him, more trusting. He was giving me back rubs and I was rubbing his head. We ended up staying up all night talking, being totally open with each other about all different parts of our lives. About Jesus, our families, his new move to 12 minutes away from me, everything.
The best thing he said that night was that he saw that I wasn't as tough as I let on most of the time, that I'm actually quite fragile and need to be kept safe. My heart was won right then and there.
On two hours of sleep, we trekked back to Ohio the following day. Josh held my hand the whole way home. I slept while he held my hand :]
Once we got back, I promptly left for work and proceeded to work a 12-hour night shift. Which I only got tired a couple times. The new energy that I had found, the new excitement that I got when he sent me a text whenever he woke up during the night warmed my body and soul.
I slept for about 6 hours the next day, and than after work Josh came and picked me up to go on our first date. We went to Starbucks and gotten frozen drinks and then went down to Hunnington Beach to just talk.
We covered all the basics, how many relationships we had been in, how we were feeling about each other, etc. It was so natural and so normal to have him hug me and look at me in a caring way.
At the end of the night, we were sitting in his car, my legs were on top of his lap and all I wanted to know if he was going to kiss me. I asked him quietly and he gave me that stubborn look that I now know all to well and said "yes, when I'm ready".
At the end of the night he gave me the best first kiss I had ever had and asked me to be his girlfriend.
The amount of joy that was born in my heart, has only doubled since than. I thank God for all the time of waiting that was before this phase, I love seeings the way He works in our lives more perfectly than we could ever imagine. I would've never chosen Josh for myself, but God had him picked out from the beginning.
This is my testimony of how God fulfills our heart's desires in His own way and timing.
I guess in a way to follow up to my last blog is to simply say, I still stand firmly that God has to make you a whole somebody, with a vision and a foundation before He could bring someone into your life. And I heard someone say once that if your relationship brings glory to Jesus than He wants you to be in it. That's the only reason we should be in relationships, so that we can bring honor to the name of Jesus. By His grace, I attempt to that with my relationship with Josh every day.
Josh - I love you sweetheart, I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you and I couldn't ask for anything better. You are incredible man and you make my heart dance & mouth sing!!
so, with exciting news in the air about my relationship with a special man, I wanted to take some time and not only write a blog about our engagement, but also about us.
I have been waiting to be engaged to write this particular blog, although I've written it out to myself. I hope you are humored by our story, we have had a lot of fun living it out!
Josh & I have known of each other since we were about 17, because of mutual friends and church situations. I have often visited Cornerstone Chapel for their youth groups/young adult groups. Our first official conversation was at a Charlie Hall concert at Worldview (aka River aka Journey) in 2007, our senior year.
Everyone was waiting in line to be let in and me in my spunky 18-year-old stuff decided I wanted to be the first person in. I made a big deal about it, and no one seemed to care and let me go in front of 5 people in line. Josh was one of those people, he gave me a look with his gorgeous blue eyes that told me he was amused and knew who I was, even though it had been a little while. My best friend Erin pulled me aside during our waiting time and said "that's Josh Warner".
At that time of our lives, Josh had an interesting reputation of being a quiet guy who liked to be around girls, lol. Erin warned me to keep my distance lol.
Two 1/2 years past, every once in awhile Josh would be mentioned in conversation with Sarah or Erin. And then Josh showed up at the Vineyard in Parma, and I remember us having one or two interactions originally where we were both like "I know who you are...but I can't remember why" .
Still remembering to keep my distance, I wouldn't actually have many conversations with Josh, but he was around. He came to the house of prayer in Cleveland on Saturday nights, saw him at church stuff, especially a lot more after we both became members.
In October or November we had a brief convo over facebook chat because I heard about a girl he was starting to like, and I just told him to be careful and patient, not to just go for any girl. lol.
During that time frame, my cousin Ally became a Christian. It was so exciting and she wanted to meet as many Christian people as possible. So she came and visited me and met a bunch of people from church and C-HOP. Including one of my guy friends, Aaron and Josh.
Somehow, the four of us were slung into a party of planning a cedar point trip in the summer.
During this time, Josh and I were natrually becoming better friends, he drove me home from C-HOP one time. I scoffed at his golf clubs in the back of his car and the country music he knew every word too. I knew my Dad would like him, and I got scared (lol). We exchanged phone numbers one day because he told me how he would fall asleep while driving (at the time he had a 45 minute drive home) quite often, it scared me and I didn't want him to die. Seeing that I worked 3-11 most days, I told him if he was every getting sleepy he could call me.
Turns out I ended up calling him more. Our first conversation on the phone started off by me saying that he wasn't allowed to like me. That I had enough complicated relationships with guys and I really just wanted to be his friend. He told me he wouldn't like me, it wouldn't be a problem.
We text fairly often, mostly when we were watching Glee on TV or on Thursday nights right before I would start my set at C-HOP. He came to our Spring Kingslove outreach and gave me a decent hard time, just for fun. My favorite convo probably was when he was teasing and said "make me a sandwhich", I told him he had to build me a kitchen, and he said he could.
As our friendship grew, I firmly believe that it was the Cedar Point trip that made it very obvious that we were definitely friends. Best Cedar Point day ever, we all had so much fun. And from that day I really started to trust Josh. Still no feelings. Promise :]
Throughout the summer, we had a lunch a few times, still were talking, hanging out, seeing each other at small group, really being friends.
I still had this view of him that he was a laid back, push over, nice guy who would just like any girl who liked him.
That opinion started being put to rest in August when we took a girl he liked out on a date, after some wrestling with him, he finally told me about her the day before. I was happy for him, but something inside of me was sad, because I knew I would lose a friend.
After their date I text him how it went, he proceeded to call me and rant for a good 45 minutes about how rude she was...lol it was the most spirited I had ever seen him be, and it was hilarious!
That conversation led to several about what kind of people we wanted to date, which continued into our 6 hour car ride to Michigan for the camping trip Aaron and my cousin Ally planned for us to go on at the end of August.
However, the week before the trip, at church, Josh sent me a text that simply said "hey you looked cute today". I flipped, I called him later that evening saying "you can't go around telling girls you think they look cute, they'll start thinking you like them!" He assured me he didn't like me and he wasn't going too.
I did a lot of kicking and whining before this trip, I had to do major adjustments at work, I was missing an outreach at church I've always wanted to do, we hadn't gotten anyone else to want to go with us, we were leaving after I got off of work on Thursday at like 12 am, I was nervous about Josh falling asleep at the wheel...the list goes on.
Regardless, that Thursday evening while I was at work, Josh began to smooth my worries by simply asking me if I could trust him, to drive there and that we would have a good time. It took some convincing but when I came out at 11:30 and he gave me a hug, my worried melted and I was determined to have a good time. 3 1/2 hours later, we arrived at our half-way point, Ally's house. We had a wonderful time eating sugar to stay away and playing "would you rather" and talking about the kind of people we wanted to date.
The next day was an assortment of shopping for food for the weekend and a lot of driving. Once we got the campsite I watched Josh get frustrated with setting up camp, for some reason, I liked that? The only side I ever saw of him was at church...and people are usually pretty nice at church lol. Almost without realizing it, my attraction to him was growing, and I wanted to see how the water was on his end. I winked at him during his frustrated moments, his entire expression changed to surprise lol.
The playfulness between us grew from that point on. I knew for sure there was something going through his head when we went to the lake the last day we were there and he splashed me relentlessly. I was glad he wasn't afraid of me, but I was also a little on my guard. As the evening went on, I became more comfortable with him, more trusting. He was giving me back rubs and I was rubbing his head. We ended up staying up all night talking, being totally open with each other about all different parts of our lives. About Jesus, our families, his new move to 12 minutes away from me, everything.
The best thing he said that night was that he saw that I wasn't as tough as I let on most of the time, that I'm actually quite fragile and need to be kept safe. My heart was won right then and there.
On two hours of sleep, we trekked back to Ohio the following day. Josh held my hand the whole way home. I slept while he held my hand :]
Once we got back, I promptly left for work and proceeded to work a 12-hour night shift. Which I only got tired a couple times. The new energy that I had found, the new excitement that I got when he sent me a text whenever he woke up during the night warmed my body and soul.
I slept for about 6 hours the next day, and than after work Josh came and picked me up to go on our first date. We went to Starbucks and gotten frozen drinks and then went down to Hunnington Beach to just talk.
We covered all the basics, how many relationships we had been in, how we were feeling about each other, etc. It was so natural and so normal to have him hug me and look at me in a caring way.
At the end of the night, we were sitting in his car, my legs were on top of his lap and all I wanted to know if he was going to kiss me. I asked him quietly and he gave me that stubborn look that I now know all to well and said "yes, when I'm ready".
At the end of the night he gave me the best first kiss I had ever had and asked me to be his girlfriend.
The amount of joy that was born in my heart, has only doubled since than. I thank God for all the time of waiting that was before this phase, I love seeings the way He works in our lives more perfectly than we could ever imagine. I would've never chosen Josh for myself, but God had him picked out from the beginning.
This is my testimony of how God fulfills our heart's desires in His own way and timing.
I guess in a way to follow up to my last blog is to simply say, I still stand firmly that God has to make you a whole somebody, with a vision and a foundation before He could bring someone into your life. And I heard someone say once that if your relationship brings glory to Jesus than He wants you to be in it. That's the only reason we should be in relationships, so that we can bring honor to the name of Jesus. By His grace, I attempt to that with my relationship with Josh every day.
Josh - I love you sweetheart, I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you and I couldn't ask for anything better. You are incredible man and you make my heart dance & mouth sing!!
May 12, 2011
I can't base mine on yours.
Hello everyone, phew I know it's been a little while. Sometimes I hit walls and I just don't know how to even process my own thoughts, let alone put them up for other people to read. However, this past week something has really resonated in my heart and stirred up some strong emotion; practically begging me to tell someone. So here we go.
I recently heard a statement, "well if it isn't working out for you, there's no hope for any of us." Now, that isn't the first time I have ever heard that, and definitely not the first time I ever felt that.
I truely appreciate if you are a guy reading this, and I know this statement could be taken in a lot of different directions, but right now, my heart is for women and some of the thoughts I've heard, felt and said surrounding this statement.
From the time I was about 12-13 years old, when boys became more than little friends or childhood crushes, something was installed in my brain that the most epic and desired romance of my life was that I should be chased, pursued, won and finally married by a man of God.
Maybe you didn't grow up that way, but maybe you did.
Through the teenage years it was a battle. A battle of emotions, self-worth, not measuring up, being to much, not pretty enough -- the guy not being the honest, strong man you believed him to be. Falling in-love with their potential instead of reality. Broken hearts, slashed dreams and lots of questions as a result.
Make your own list, everyone has a story of where they have been let down.
Regardless of how wishy-washy and silly it sounds, most women have some kind of fantasy as a little girl and it somehow gets demolished as we move in to adulthood.
(have I said props to you if your a guy reading this yet?)
My thoughts of this week really came together when I found out that Rebecca St. James finally found the man she wrote that song for, however many years ago. He "waited" for her. My immediate reaction was "oh good, because if it didn't work out for her, how many dreams of women who have taken that song into full reality would be crushed and totally lost heart."
Yeah. I even surprised myself with that one. I mentally smacked my own hand because that is a terrible way to think about life and situations.
There have been wonderful, beautiful amazing women in my life from the time I was born and when even just one of them don't seem like they are going to get married my thoughts go to: "man, if she doesn't get married it makes me want to question so many things. How can you not get a husband and get married when you spend your whole life devoted to Jesus and save yourself entirely for a man?"
I'm currently reading "Falling in love with Jesus" by Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli. My Mom gave it to me about 4 years ago, right after a very significant break up in my life that left me devastated. As you can see, it took me this long to open it up and read more than a chapter in it. I think it's because in the Christian world we are given two things to try to band-aid up our broken hearts.
(p.s. I am in love with this book, so many things have hit home for me while reading it and I would suggest it to anyone, I'm addressing the attitude I once had about it.)
The two things are this: 1) Fall in love with Jesus, don't worry about anything else, just put your full focus on Him, 2) Wait for your future husband, because he's out there, pray for him, think about him, dream about the man who will one day come for you.
I am not mocking or knocking these two things, but I have been fed that my whole life and I NEVER FULLY BOUGHT IT. I have been wrestling with why I have never bought it. Sure, I pray and write to my future husband, I've also constantly laid down my little hearts desires and told God he could do whatever he wanted with them.
And yet, I would look at people's lives who weren't married and I thought should be married and would think "man, I hope it works out for them because otherwise, there's definitely no hope for me."
How does that thought a line with waiting for the right one and falling in love with Jesus? To me, that just speaks fear, frustration and a mistrust in God. I think it's a smack in the face actually.
How did I come to terms with that? Well it's still a learning process, let me assure you, and I think it will always be.
Over the past year and a half, God has been en-graining something in me, so deeply that I understand more and more through almost every situation in my life. I have learned that God is a creative creator. He would NEVER do something the exact same way in people lives. How can I possibly compare what God is doing in other people lives to my own? Do I not trust that HE is on the throne and HE has GREAT plans all of His own for my life?
You cannot shorten His hand and say that He isn't doing things in your life or in other people's life the way He was supposed to.
How can we say there is no hope?
If you stand and believe that Jesus Christ is your Lord,that He is the creator and master of your life - there is ALWAYS hope.
I am tired to being discouraged in myself based on other people's situations, and I am done with other women comparing themselves to the "perfect picture" they desire for their lives and being constantly let down because they either never taste it or they get that "perfection" and find it isn't perfect.
As I am challenging others, I am most definitely challenging myself. Our lives cannot depend on what were not getting and what we see other people getting.
Beautiful, treasured women of God; don't settle for anyone else's life. Choose to trust that God has a plan and don't be afraid if it looks different.
Go on the trips, lead the worship team, start a small group, write a book, sing your songs. If there is a man, great! If there isn't, great!
In Romans 8:28 it says: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."
It doesn't say some things will bekind of nice if we chose to love Jesus. No, it says EVERYTHING for the GOOD of those who love Him. And I believe that truly loving Him automatically goes with trusting Him.
So trust Him, trust Him to move in incredible ways in your life, not based on anyone else's life. He has special things for you personally and He is VERY creative.
That's it guys, have a blessed day :]
I recently heard a statement, "well if it isn't working out for you, there's no hope for any of us." Now, that isn't the first time I have ever heard that, and definitely not the first time I ever felt that.
I truely appreciate if you are a guy reading this, and I know this statement could be taken in a lot of different directions, but right now, my heart is for women and some of the thoughts I've heard, felt and said surrounding this statement.
From the time I was about 12-13 years old, when boys became more than little friends or childhood crushes, something was installed in my brain that the most epic and desired romance of my life was that I should be chased, pursued, won and finally married by a man of God.
Maybe you didn't grow up that way, but maybe you did.
Through the teenage years it was a battle. A battle of emotions, self-worth, not measuring up, being to much, not pretty enough -- the guy not being the honest, strong man you believed him to be. Falling in-love with their potential instead of reality. Broken hearts, slashed dreams and lots of questions as a result.
Make your own list, everyone has a story of where they have been let down.
Regardless of how wishy-washy and silly it sounds, most women have some kind of fantasy as a little girl and it somehow gets demolished as we move in to adulthood.
(have I said props to you if your a guy reading this yet?)
My thoughts of this week really came together when I found out that Rebecca St. James finally found the man she wrote that song for, however many years ago. He "waited" for her. My immediate reaction was "oh good, because if it didn't work out for her, how many dreams of women who have taken that song into full reality would be crushed and totally lost heart."
Yeah. I even surprised myself with that one. I mentally smacked my own hand because that is a terrible way to think about life and situations.
There have been wonderful, beautiful amazing women in my life from the time I was born and when even just one of them don't seem like they are going to get married my thoughts go to: "man, if she doesn't get married it makes me want to question so many things. How can you not get a husband and get married when you spend your whole life devoted to Jesus and save yourself entirely for a man?"
I'm currently reading "Falling in love with Jesus" by Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli. My Mom gave it to me about 4 years ago, right after a very significant break up in my life that left me devastated. As you can see, it took me this long to open it up and read more than a chapter in it. I think it's because in the Christian world we are given two things to try to band-aid up our broken hearts.
(p.s. I am in love with this book, so many things have hit home for me while reading it and I would suggest it to anyone, I'm addressing the attitude I once had about it.)
The two things are this: 1) Fall in love with Jesus, don't worry about anything else, just put your full focus on Him, 2) Wait for your future husband, because he's out there, pray for him, think about him, dream about the man who will one day come for you.
I am not mocking or knocking these two things, but I have been fed that my whole life and I NEVER FULLY BOUGHT IT. I have been wrestling with why I have never bought it. Sure, I pray and write to my future husband, I've also constantly laid down my little hearts desires and told God he could do whatever he wanted with them.
And yet, I would look at people's lives who weren't married and I thought should be married and would think "man, I hope it works out for them because otherwise, there's definitely no hope for me."
How does that thought a line with waiting for the right one and falling in love with Jesus? To me, that just speaks fear, frustration and a mistrust in God. I think it's a smack in the face actually.
How did I come to terms with that? Well it's still a learning process, let me assure you, and I think it will always be.
Over the past year and a half, God has been en-graining something in me, so deeply that I understand more and more through almost every situation in my life. I have learned that God is a creative creator. He would NEVER do something the exact same way in people lives. How can I possibly compare what God is doing in other people lives to my own? Do I not trust that HE is on the throne and HE has GREAT plans all of His own for my life?
You cannot shorten His hand and say that He isn't doing things in your life or in other people's life the way He was supposed to.
How can we say there is no hope?
If you stand and believe that Jesus Christ is your Lord,that He is the creator and master of your life - there is ALWAYS hope.
I am tired to being discouraged in myself based on other people's situations, and I am done with other women comparing themselves to the "perfect picture" they desire for their lives and being constantly let down because they either never taste it or they get that "perfection" and find it isn't perfect.
As I am challenging others, I am most definitely challenging myself. Our lives cannot depend on what were not getting and what we see other people getting.
Beautiful, treasured women of God; don't settle for anyone else's life. Choose to trust that God has a plan and don't be afraid if it looks different.
Go on the trips, lead the worship team, start a small group, write a book, sing your songs. If there is a man, great! If there isn't, great!
In Romans 8:28 it says: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."
It doesn't say some things will bekind of nice if we chose to love Jesus. No, it says EVERYTHING for the GOOD of those who love Him. And I believe that truly loving Him automatically goes with trusting Him.
So trust Him, trust Him to move in incredible ways in your life, not based on anyone else's life. He has special things for you personally and He is VERY creative.
That's it guys, have a blessed day :]
February 21, 2011
peace & love
Oh my, February is almost over. This past week we had a little break from all the snow and the ice and the cold...and then it came right on back. Not so fast spring, it's still winter! It's okay though, cuz that's what boots were made for :]
My goal at the moment is to write a blog a month. I was just realizing how different life is, how much I live my life month to month, instead of event to event like I used to. Even with scrap booking, I just finished my one from last year and then one for this year if just going to look different than my other ones have, because a new phase of life is hitting. Weddings, babies, engagements, etc. You know the drill.
So many people told me that there would be this phase of my life where everyone was getting married and having babies, it's crazy to see it all come into play. Exciting too :]
This month for me has been a lot of about searching to find peace and learning how to love. My life is slightly crazy right now, my family is about to change because my Grandma is moving in. Our house is changing in prepration for her. The kids are a part of my activities and we're currently balancing two vehicles. I am working more which is good for the pocket but not always good for the mind. I am working on getting back into to school, but it's not a picnic.
Trying to find peace in chaos is hhhhhharrrrrrrddd. Taking time with Jesus, medidating on His word and writing down my thoughts is hard!! When you have a mini list buzzing around in your head almost constantly of where your money should go and who you need to take where. I definitely can't do it a lone. That's where I find my peace. Knowing that Jesus is in control, not me. It's not always fun that way either, but it's the only thing I can do.
Ahem, love. Yes, yes February is the "love" month. I have known this my whole life because my birthday begins this month and there is already pink and red everything every where. What I have really found this month though is that I need to love like Jesus does. No brainer right? Oh well lol. I need to love withough expecting anything in return. It's the hardest thing because you don't know if you will ever be loved back. But it's not the point of loving. Crazy huh? I think so! Granted, I have a lot of people who love me, who show me, who tell me, etc. But even then, people can't love you perfectly either. Flip-side of the coin. You can't love perfectly, people can't love you perfectly.
I am so thankful I serve a God who gives countless amount of grace, because I am asking him to change my heart, and speak truth and true love into my heart. So that when I pour out of my own heart, it's really just pouring out the love He has already placed there, which I never come up empty in if I ask for it.
If you're reading this right now, or if you think about it later, pray for me in these areas. It's so hard, but I desire to know the peace of God and to feel His love for me.
Love you guys :]
My goal at the moment is to write a blog a month. I was just realizing how different life is, how much I live my life month to month, instead of event to event like I used to. Even with scrap booking, I just finished my one from last year and then one for this year if just going to look different than my other ones have, because a new phase of life is hitting. Weddings, babies, engagements, etc. You know the drill.
So many people told me that there would be this phase of my life where everyone was getting married and having babies, it's crazy to see it all come into play. Exciting too :]
This month for me has been a lot of about searching to find peace and learning how to love. My life is slightly crazy right now, my family is about to change because my Grandma is moving in. Our house is changing in prepration for her. The kids are a part of my activities and we're currently balancing two vehicles. I am working more which is good for the pocket but not always good for the mind. I am working on getting back into to school, but it's not a picnic.
Trying to find peace in chaos is hhhhhharrrrrrrddd. Taking time with Jesus, medidating on His word and writing down my thoughts is hard!! When you have a mini list buzzing around in your head almost constantly of where your money should go and who you need to take where. I definitely can't do it a lone. That's where I find my peace. Knowing that Jesus is in control, not me. It's not always fun that way either, but it's the only thing I can do.
Ahem, love. Yes, yes February is the "love" month. I have known this my whole life because my birthday begins this month and there is already pink and red everything every where. What I have really found this month though is that I need to love like Jesus does. No brainer right? Oh well lol. I need to love withough expecting anything in return. It's the hardest thing because you don't know if you will ever be loved back. But it's not the point of loving. Crazy huh? I think so! Granted, I have a lot of people who love me, who show me, who tell me, etc. But even then, people can't love you perfectly either. Flip-side of the coin. You can't love perfectly, people can't love you perfectly.
I am so thankful I serve a God who gives countless amount of grace, because I am asking him to change my heart, and speak truth and true love into my heart. So that when I pour out of my own heart, it's really just pouring out the love He has already placed there, which I never come up empty in if I ask for it.
If you're reading this right now, or if you think about it later, pray for me in these areas. It's so hard, but I desire to know the peace of God and to feel His love for me.
Love you guys :]
January 2, 2011
oh this life.
Can you believe it, the year is already over. And on to another...phew. I feel like the older I get, the faster it goes. I hate that lol.
However, 2010 was a crazy, learning, shaping, stretching, constantly being over-tired....year. Very thankful it's over, very thankful it came.
On re-capping this year, I definitely, to sum it up in a few words, learned how to act in different roles this year. I think that's what really stood out to me, and honestly I think I have only just realized this within the last couple weeks.
I learned a lot about not being jealous about what other people have. It's very hard, it's like a constant putting yourself in check thing. Very early on this year, I would be talking to God and be like "why can't I have that? That was in my heart too". It's so funny how we tell God specifically what we want, and He already knows lol. I have learned, and still am learning, that God has specifics for me. Like he designed my life just for me, not anyone else. And that is the life I want to and need to desire for myself.
Learning about the balance of school was definitely the hardest part, after failing my second semester, I definitely know that I want to approach it differently next time. I will say though there were some very victorious moments related to school over this year. Some tests that I just thought were not possible to pass this year, were passed. Resting in Jesus' arms, I am secure that these next 4-5 months are to be focused on something else other than the rampage of school.
I got to be the "big kid" a lot this year, either taking my siblings somewhere or being a Teen Intensive Leader and C-HOP, just being able to look above my needs and pay attention to others. Again, that balance of letting people still take care of me was interesting. Just learning, a lot of learning. It wasn't all hard either, I have learned that I love watching people grow and learn in their own development, seeing and hearing what God is doing in their heart. It's such a blessing.
I planned a wedding this year, or helped plan one. That was definitely new, and scary sometimes. It makes you look real life full in the face. I really appreciated it because it opened my eyes to a lot things about marriage and family I didn't really understand up to this point. That it really isn't a fantasy, it's real life. I learned that those elements of real life need God as much as every other part. You need a lot more than love to make the world go around.
Something I was reading in my journal that really blessed me about this year was, in the last month of summer a group of teenagers from Illinois, some of which I met going on 3 years ago when I spent a month out there, came and did a week of outreach with my family and our ministry. I got to see, right before my eyes, fruit from time and work that I had helped install into these kids 2 plus years ago. I felt God so clearly tell me the first night they were with us, that nothing I had prayed for those kids had ever been prayed in vain. That He had heard everything I said. It was an amazing encouragement.
I think, as I do every year, I'm learning more and more about love. Not just romance, but not excluding it either. Something I have known for a long time is that love is not an emotion. I know that people in my life can still have a hard time with me and still love me. That's a good thing. It's important to find people that you love that way and love you back that way. It's a tall order, and I thank God for those people in my life. Never have been more thankful for those people.
I feel very privileged that I have found a man who can love me like that. For best friends who love me like that. These people love Jesus and desire to love the way He loves. It's crazy and it blows my socks off.
I get very reminiscent this time of year, so I could probably continue for a while, but I'm not going to.
Main points: learning about different roles, fighting jealously with having faith God knows what's best for me, balancing school, being a big kid, planning a marriage not just a wedding, God confirming prayers that have long ago been focused on, learning about real love.
God is so good, I'm excited for what He has next and I wait in anticipation to see what He will do.
Happy New Year!! :]
However, 2010 was a crazy, learning, shaping, stretching, constantly being over-tired....year. Very thankful it's over, very thankful it came.
On re-capping this year, I definitely, to sum it up in a few words, learned how to act in different roles this year. I think that's what really stood out to me, and honestly I think I have only just realized this within the last couple weeks.
I learned a lot about not being jealous about what other people have. It's very hard, it's like a constant putting yourself in check thing. Very early on this year, I would be talking to God and be like "why can't I have that? That was in my heart too". It's so funny how we tell God specifically what we want, and He already knows lol. I have learned, and still am learning, that God has specifics for me. Like he designed my life just for me, not anyone else. And that is the life I want to and need to desire for myself.
Learning about the balance of school was definitely the hardest part, after failing my second semester, I definitely know that I want to approach it differently next time. I will say though there were some very victorious moments related to school over this year. Some tests that I just thought were not possible to pass this year, were passed. Resting in Jesus' arms, I am secure that these next 4-5 months are to be focused on something else other than the rampage of school.
I got to be the "big kid" a lot this year, either taking my siblings somewhere or being a Teen Intensive Leader and C-HOP, just being able to look above my needs and pay attention to others. Again, that balance of letting people still take care of me was interesting. Just learning, a lot of learning. It wasn't all hard either, I have learned that I love watching people grow and learn in their own development, seeing and hearing what God is doing in their heart. It's such a blessing.
I planned a wedding this year, or helped plan one. That was definitely new, and scary sometimes. It makes you look real life full in the face. I really appreciated it because it opened my eyes to a lot things about marriage and family I didn't really understand up to this point. That it really isn't a fantasy, it's real life. I learned that those elements of real life need God as much as every other part. You need a lot more than love to make the world go around.
Something I was reading in my journal that really blessed me about this year was, in the last month of summer a group of teenagers from Illinois, some of which I met going on 3 years ago when I spent a month out there, came and did a week of outreach with my family and our ministry. I got to see, right before my eyes, fruit from time and work that I had helped install into these kids 2 plus years ago. I felt God so clearly tell me the first night they were with us, that nothing I had prayed for those kids had ever been prayed in vain. That He had heard everything I said. It was an amazing encouragement.
I think, as I do every year, I'm learning more and more about love. Not just romance, but not excluding it either. Something I have known for a long time is that love is not an emotion. I know that people in my life can still have a hard time with me and still love me. That's a good thing. It's important to find people that you love that way and love you back that way. It's a tall order, and I thank God for those people in my life. Never have been more thankful for those people.
I feel very privileged that I have found a man who can love me like that. For best friends who love me like that. These people love Jesus and desire to love the way He loves. It's crazy and it blows my socks off.
I get very reminiscent this time of year, so I could probably continue for a while, but I'm not going to.
Main points: learning about different roles, fighting jealously with having faith God knows what's best for me, balancing school, being a big kid, planning a marriage not just a wedding, God confirming prayers that have long ago been focused on, learning about real love.
God is so good, I'm excited for what He has next and I wait in anticipation to see what He will do.
Happy New Year!! :]
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