stuck in between a place and another place.

Title meaning: I'm not totally sure where I'm stuck in between. I don't think it's a rock...someone else said maybe a brick wall...which would be a hard place...hmm

As evidence by my lack of blogs for two months, my life has spun out of control. Or has spun further into control, meaning that my time is demanded of me regardless if I like it or not. Finding God in the midst of all this chaos has been one of the greatest struggles I have ever faced.
Frusteration, anger. Repeat. Where is the end?
Wrestling as I go along, I cry a lot. I am searching to hear and find God. I don't always listen to music in the car, souly to hear what He's saying to me.
Direction is needed.
I am at a constant state of speaking over myself that I will be found safe in His arms. The only ones that can truely save me.
It's even difficult to poor out my heart right now because I don't always know how I feel.
Positive information: Church has been really speaking to my heart the past two weeks, just on not feeling guilty, like a failure, and being able to lay our burdens down before God. I've had some significant prayer over me too. God is good. Even when everything seems difficult.

After that I can't really go into my rant again huh?
I have been searching, re-evaluating, searching, measuring thoughts. Just even in walking through things I used to talk about doing a certain way, realizing it's so much harder than just me saying it. I look at my life full in the face as each new week starts wondering, what am I going to make of all of this.
Living at home becomes different everytime I turn around. You see quickly how many people still view you as a highschool student. It's such a struggle, becoming an adult. Lots and lots of thinking.
Speaking of thinking...I'm pretty much done. I just finished doing hw and I wanted to write a blog.

Life keeps you guessing, that's what I tip my hat to.

I choose this.

I choose joy over fear.
Life over death.
Confidence over defeat.

Joy in the Lord, for He is my strength.
Living life the way He ordained it from the beginning of time.
Being confident in that His promise preserves my life.

I dunno, the past 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been really struck by the great need to reach for joy. Not happiiness persay, but joy in the fact that Jesus triumphs everytime, that He doesn't live in defeat and neither can I.
There's been a lot of adjustment in my life, some very good, some very hard. Taking things one at a time are so very important. The other thing that's vastly important is to remember that happy = joy. That joy comes straight from Jesus, and actually sometimes that joy comes from great pain. The joy comes when we get in a position of full surrender.
I'm also learning that God is not a God of fear, doubt or worry. Crazy, and you'd think I would have that figured out by now...but God keeps revealing it to me on different levels I guess. Recently, I have had to weed through different people's opinions and really learning the differance between blessing and cursing as well. In the midst of it I have really had to stop and say "wait a second, this is not from God, this doesn't belong to me". It's a process for sure, but I'm glad God remains present.

In other newss....lol
School started back up, it's hard, I really have to buckle down. But I like my teachers and my classmates. It's fun to be back with everyone again. I'm glad some things stay the same.
I have a great boyfriend, it's been such a pleasant surprise. I'm excited to see what comes next for us :]
People are leaving and weddings are coming to play...oh my life is big.

THU-ree

3 more weeks of summer left.
It's so funny, because I knew it would go by this fast, but it still doesn't make it an easy thing to accept. Reguardless, I am happy August is here. I finished my A&P 2 class this morning, which means my summer really is here. August is my favorite summer month too, because, it seems to me that no matter how your summer has gone, there's this element of resolve that takes place once August rolls around. I have resolved several different things for the last few weeks, and it changes my opinion about my summer in general.
I think we all like to hear about other people who have pushed through, and are pleased when we see it in our lives. For me August has always been close to that, the seeing some outcome, and I love it.

I also am a fan of lists. Soo...I will list :]

1. I love thunderstorms. After a hot day, as long as I got to see the sun and run outside, I love when it rains. Last week, the clouds that were in the sky blew my mind. They were fantastic. They came about because of the different storms we had during that week. Although driving in almost hurricane weather is pretty scary...the other night I was convinced my car would start floating.

2. I love wearing hoodies & shorts, it makes me feel very comfy.

3. I love soft clothes - when I wear them, when other people wear them.

4. I love multi-generational things. I decided this while watching Gilmore Girls the other day because the show is about the daughter, mother and grandmother. I just find all the different outlooks on life so interesting.

5. Someday, I will figure out a way to go through the summer without eating ice cream every other day. lol...someday when I move far away from Honey Hut.

6. When I come down from caffiene highs, I can't speak, I make noises, point when I want things and act very bratty.

7. Bratty & aloof have been my most used words recently.

8. I don't think I could be a formal public speaker if my life was on the line. I just laugh and say silly things, mixed with things I mean. It's fun.

9. I like having war wounds on my arms and legs - it makes me feel tough.

10. I love when people realize I'm actually not that tough.


Things I still need to do this summer:
-tan more
-read Captivating & Mere Christianity
-work out 6 days a week (I'm up to 5)
-go camping


Oh summer, I have no desire for you to be over...but life keeps on ticking.

fifteen is a wonderful age.

There's a bunch of fifteen-year-old girls (roughly) down in the day care at the moment throwing a party, "just for fun", for the girls in our neighborhood.
They came over about an hour before they were throwing it, setting up streamers in all girly colors hanging every which way - even from the fan - nail polish of all different colors are lined up on top of the book shelves. All of their own intiative.

Oh how wonderful it is to be fifteen.

I remember the things that mattered to me at fifteen. Spending time with my friends, playing volleyball, seeing all the latest chick flicks (with my besties or my Dad lol), making sure I had a "summer color" nail polish and time in the sun. I worried about spending enough time with God at night, balanced with phone conversations. I made a second go-around of my "list" of the guy I wanted to date, but seemed to spend way more with the ones who were actually my friends (even though I talked the most about the ones I liked). I wrote songs and sang all the time. I didn't think much about the future, not because I didn't care, it just didn't matter.
I didn't have a job, I didn't have lame college professors. None of my close friends had any boyfriends, let a lone were getting married.

Seeing these girls today just gave me, a glimmer of hope, somehow? Maybe even if a backwards way.
Recently, I've been having a hard time finding joy. Joy is one of those words I feel is touchy. I do believe that God is the true giver of joy, nothing satisfies like Him. But even so in serving or worshipping Him - my heart hasn't been leaping. Not to mention the dark cloud that seems to hover over parts of my life, not letting in the sun. That's difficult. And sad. Not happy.
Over this summer I've been learning a lot, but it hasn't been very rewarding. I'm just learning. I haven't seen the flower yet from the growth.

So everything seems to be somewhat difficult.

Seeing these girls today, as I said, gives me reason to believe that God desires to bless my life. These girls are so joyfully pursuing what God has put on their heart, blessing the little girls. They have the time to plan fun things, as often times, when you get older, you loose time to be able to do that.
But God.
He has more up His sleeve. Some way, I have to believe that. That someday again I feel will feel joy.
I am not fifteen any longer, I have worries and cares and deadlines and clock in times, but, someday life won't look like this.
I will choose to trust in what is yet to come.
Even if that's only until heaven one day, it will be my reward.

Thank you Alayna, Abbey, Martha, Heather and Anna for reminding me that life is beautiful and Jesus is a lover. Love you all.

summer recollections.

How to begin this blog. I feel like writing has become a pastime. I rarely even write in my own personal journal (which is very strange). It's been over a month since I sat down and gathered my thoughts in a way where other people could read and understand them.
But here I go.

It's been a trying summer. There's been so much going on, half the things I've chosen to do,the other half that is kind of expected of me. It's my responsibility, I need to be present, etc. Don't get me wrong, it really hasn't been bad, just different. It's been a balance between realizing I can't experiance freedom in my physical life and understanding that freedom comes from the spiritual element of my life - namely Jesus.
To illustrate this thought, I will begin the summer in paragraph form.

The first event of the summer was the Cleveland House of Prayer's Summer Teen Intensive (FYI intensive is not a word, we are aware). It ran Sunday-Saturday and I was able participate in leading, but I also got so much out of it. I built a stronger relationship with the girls mainly during the week, but also the guys. It was a such a joy for me to be able to see each of them walk into an arena, big or small,that they have never been apart of/done before. I felt very priviledged.
During the week, the word that God kept pressing on my heart was stamina. There were two days inparticular he just reminded me that he had given me the stamina, grace and ability to continue through the day, without breaking down or getting overtly frusterated. Taking rest in that was probably the most rewarding part of the week for me. I would definitely do it again, and or something like it anywhere else.

In between STI and Kingslove there was a week that I had off (not from work) and I spent a lot of time with my siblings, as it turned out. Spent a wonderful beach day with my sisters, enjoyed ice cream and driving home in a huge storm then finding out block busters was closing and would sell us cheap movies that we went home and watched. On Friday I packed up Ben, Anna & Grace and we went to the AlIVE Music Festival all day. We got to hear this really awesome band called Tim Be Told in one of the smaller tents, got really muddy, ate waffles off the grill with Adam, Luke & Josh (who were also at ALIVE camping out), sang loudly to David Crowder and left before Skillet blew themselves up on stage (due to all their flames). It was a really fun day, they really enjoyed it. Saturday I went to my class in the morning and we ended at 10 in the morning; I called Dan complaining that we could've gone to ALIVE that morning instead... by 11:30 we were heading out the door to ALIVE once again. We ended up parking like a million miles away, but it was totally worth it.
We got to see Needtobreathe:) favvvooorrriite. And Chris Tomlin & TobyMac :) It was a greeeeeaaaat night!!! So hot, but amazing. The thing that struck me the hardest was that when we were doing worship with Chris Tomlin, there was very few people really engaging during and staying engaged in between songs. I just saw such a clear picture of what the church looks like right now, and it saddened my heart. We were made to worship, Jesus, no one else.

Coming off of that, I had three days of work in a row, then rolled Kingslove.
Kingslove was a wonderful week, I have no complaints. Still, it was a learning process, always a balancing act of switching who's in charge periodically. I think it's so good for the people of God to change roles from time to time. Being in charge takes away from the hands on stuff usually. Which is very difficult for me.
I had a dance group this year, we had beautiful scarves and we danced to "Not to Us" by Chris Tomlin. It amazed me how quickly they learned it, and it was such a blessing to my little heart when they did it at the end.
I can't complain when I'm surrounded by passionate, beautiful, wonderful people. Seeing God move on their hearts in different ways, experiancing Him moving on mine.

I guess there will be another updating blog shortly, but right now, it's time to keep moving.
God is good, He is faithful and perserve my life.

inevitable.

Change is inevitable; growth is optional.
I'm not sure who said that, but I agree with them whole heartedly.
The word inevitable means incapable of being avoided or evaded.

I find it rather ironic that I embraced this phrase a few weeks ago as my own and now it seems I am being called to put it into practice.

I have never done well with change being thrust upon me.
I do like to change things up a little bit, I hate doing the same exact thing over and over. In working out, you're suppossed to change up your routine regularly so your body doesn't get used to the same moves. I like to help other people go through change (haha that amuses me greatly), I like trying new things and challenging myself in different areas.
However, there certain elements of change I have to work hard at not curling into a little ball in the corner to cry.

I think it's Ghandi who says be the change you want to see in the world. No clue really what that means, and I don't really want to...
Of course you should be the one attempting to change your surroundings for the better, but it's nearly impossible for people to change eachother, situations and circumstances just by making a statement like that. Situations change reguardless of people doing anything... and in writing that I feel like I walked off the deep end somewhere. Maybe more on that later? Who knows.

I just found this other quote by Henry David Thereau: "Things do not change: we change."
I'm going to take the liberty to say that "things" are surroundings, situations, houses, cars, etc. You know tangible things. I mean those things "change" but they shouldn't be what is changing us. Change happens from within.
I was talking to someone the other day about how we, personally, can't change people. Only God can, in His own timing. That's the kicker. In His own timing. I am convinced that God is all about His own timing; in fact, I am more than convinced.

These are different levels of change that have been in my head as of the past week or so. The most recent though, questions parts of me that I have walked through, buried, walked through, buried, walked through, buried...you get the idea.
The hardest, most difficult level of change for me has to do with the people I love. I know I'm not alone in this either, so if at anytime during this blog it seems that I am like "woe is me, my world is caving in" blah blah...it's not what I mean.
So yes, the people I love. Change happening such as moving, getting married, best friends getting significant others. Moving is the big one.

In the summer of 2007 I think I had the most transitional time I have had yet. My family decided they were moving to New York, the guy I thought I was going to marry, in my little 18-year-old just graduated heart, changed his mind; in the fall that year I lived with my Aunt and Uncle while my family moved to New York, in the winter of that year I joined them and moved back 5 months later. Major transition. It was so difficult, but I saw God bless each phase of that time so much because I was constantly getting before him, crying, yelling, journaling, singing, ranting, pouting...and sleeping -- just to push through.
That wasn't the first time, I have been adapting to transition for my entire life, it was just the one that is the most prevalent in my mind because I'm sensing such similar emotions right now. P.s. By the way, I'm not moving and neither is my family.

So this change is inevitable.
Bound to happen.
How else would we change and grow.
I believe that change goes hand in hand with seasons. Not the actual seasons, although sometimes I feel like my heart and my spirit are parallel with what the weather is doing (wooohoo Cleveland). But seasons of time where we are apart of specific things and the change starts to happen when we are either released from it, or the focus isn't so, lol, focused on that area, or we are being called to step into a higher wrealm of it.
There is time for everything.
So the question is, what season are we in, what is God calling us into (if we are transitioning into a new seaon)?
I am so very grateful that God is so incredibly faithful. This is one of the reasons why I love Him so very much. He teaches me so much about how much He loves me. I love how prepares my heart for the change that will be taking place around the corner. Because He goes before me, gaurds my heart and promises to give me hope for my future. He is so good.
I say all of the things with tears often running down my face, taking deep breaths and allowing little pockets of sunshine penetrate my heavy heart - all acting as a reminder that I can trust my Daddy, in heaven, for the change that He will bring.

As much as I think people use this verse way to much, and I know the song gets stuck in your head because it gets stuck in mine; this verse is very applicable. I want to end with this.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8,11,14-15

what they don't get.

Swirling around thoughts about the opposite sex I have to communicate, because I feel sometimes that all hope is lost with them.

1. Being always agreeable isn't really an attractive trait. No matter how much girls say that just want a guy to tell them they're beautiful, often it doesn't cut it.

2. Never put me in a previous category of what you think a girl is like.

3. Flowers and things are just barely scratching the surface, get creative.

4. If you weigh less than me, it's probably not going to work. I tend to tackle people in hugs and I don't want to run you over.

5. When I'm your friend, I want to be your friend, don't assume anything otherwise, I will tell you if something is different. I am an extremely verbal person.

6. The less you talk, the more interesting you are.

7. When you crack a grin when I do something funny (aka drop something, fall, say something ridiculous), that is the way to earn brownie points. Not laughing obnoxiously loud. I may be funny, but not that funny.

8. I am very detail oriented, I pay attention to little things and appreciate them more than big things.

9. Just because we both love Jesus, doesn't mean it's meant to be.

10. I do not like being pursued when I have not given any indication that's what I want.

11. I know I sound like a control freak ;)

12. When I get pissed, I definitely am, and if you don't ever you kind of loose.

13. Please do not assume because you read everything I post on facebook that you know me. I lived with me for my whole life and I still feel rather clueless

14. I don't like push-overs. I like when a guy can stand his ground.

15. I don't like when people argue to simply argue, it's so dumb, so even a hint of that turns me waaay off.

16. I'm all about tone of voice, shouting really bothers me...even though sometimes I an be the queen of it. It just depends on the setting.

17. Don't try so hard, it looks silly. Be yourself, and don't try to get people to notice you.

18. Just because I like a TV show doesn't mean I'm the type of girl who must see all episodes.

19. I like man movies, possibly more than chick-flicks but not more than disney movies.

20. I should not be able to beat you up ;)

21. Just because I'm nice to you and laugh and smile around you, doesn't mean I'm falling for you.

That's what's up.
Girls are complicated, but don't get caught up on stuff like this. We will always be complicated.

summersummersummersummersummer.

Oh man I'm excited! I felt the need to write a blog about how much summer excites me. I was moping a little bit yesterday because I was realizing that I start my summer classes in a couple days, but then....after getting off work last night... the blast of cool, yet somehow warm, summer air beckoned me to come out. You have no idea how awful it is in the winter to leave work at 11:30 or later and get a slap in the face from the very cold air; which makes it all the more wonderful now that summer has finally come.
More summer things.
I love my nails painted orange. Silly I know, but it makes me happy...it makes me smile.
I took a walk on the beach with my best friend Sunday, laughed really hard at the kids and their parents, all freaking out because no one is used to being on the beach yet. Everyone's in their bathing suits, but no one is going in because the water is freezing. I got a sunburn on my shoulders; something I was trying to avoid this summer (because burning is so bad for your skin), but somehow, it feels more like summer with those red-brown, somewhat tender spots on my shoulders.
We also visited the spot she's getting married at in September. It's this beautiful rustic area with trees we need to figure out to make use of. They didn't really think very well when they made the seats because an entire row is unable to see in front of them, because of a tree. lol. It was so much fun. Kind of felt like a was a little girl, planning away. Only to be constantly brought to the realization that this was real life and we were planning a real event.
It's not scary any more, it's fun. Even though it is a symbol of childhood being over, thinking and talking about weddings and such brings into memory of how we felt about it, planning it so long ago. So in a way, childhood is not totally lost.

First trip to the beach is always a memorable day.
Driving top down is my favorite, and not because I feel cool or anything ridiculous like that. I love the sun beating down, I love the wind, even when it blows my hair in every direction leaving me with knots. I love especially at night, it's so calm and relaxing.
I've been waking up in the morning and spending a couple hours tearing through books I've been planning on reading since spring break. I love waking up to the sun shining.

There's some uncertainty that comes with summer. Particulary the month of June. It's soo busy, so so busy. I want to be able to focus and not get caught up in the rapid speed of everything. I want to lead well.

--Hey now this is my desire, consume me like a fire until I become something beautiful --

Summer is so good. Jesus is better.

That's all I got today.

So I'm sitting, listening to rain on my typical Cleveland street. *Cough* Ohio street, you know where it rains every couple days, just to let us know we live in a really weird weather state. Anyways, I'm sitting, eating dried fruit (even though I know it's not very good for you), contemplating love.
I just watched Hitch. It always makes me think, because as corney as it may sound...or rather read...I love "one-liners" in that movie, because it at least sounds genuine. And it makes me laugh, ridiculously hard.

This weekend, or even week, was so packed. First week off from school, jammmmmm packed with places to go and people to see; but I feel alive and engaged. And that is wonderful. It pulls on my emotions and drains my energy, getting to see everyone, but that's life and I love the people in mine.

So love, it's kind of a funny, ever-changing, different for everyone kind of thing.

I love the married people I know who are either new parents or aren't there yet, who still have that pre-marriage glow.
I love seeing pictures from proms & formals of boyfriend girlfriendness in matching ties & dresses.
I actually really love seeing men/guys who wear a hair-tye around their wrist, just in case their girlfriend/wife may need it eventually.
I love being around my friends who are in love with someone, you can't help but smile and laugh, because that's what it's about right? Loving people, loving to see them be happy.
I know it's not ONLY that of course, but it's part of it.
I can't help it, I love seeing attractive people in pictures together.
I love seeing my brother excited his girlfriend is coming this week to visit!
I've never met her :] and I'm excited too.

I love seeing ex boyfriends happy with their new girlfriends.
There I said it.
And it's true.
I think that's the good kind of love to have for people too. The kind of love that wants the best for them, not to being selfish.
It's probably the hardest thing for me to ever learn. I am a very selfish person. Sometimes I say things that need major tact. I was just saying a few days ago, or acknowledging I have no good thing apart from God.

So with that swirling around in my head, I've also realized that love is serving people and anticipating their needs. I'm not gonna lie, when people do that for me, I melt inside.
Because I love being served, I have to also learn how to love serving others. So not easy, sometimes it is, other times it's really not. And not just serving them, but caring for their needs above your own. Not to the weird, creepy level. The loving and gentleness level.
I have to learn this, backwards and forwards, over and over. It's so important.

I didn't mean to end on such a serious note, or maybe I did and just didn't realize how deeply this sits within my heart.
And that's all I got today.
Love=Servanthood.
It has many other looks, colors, feels and meanings.
But the best, and the most geniune is servanthood.

an older post...

I wrote this the summer I was 18, graduated from highschool, experiencing some seriuos heartache, it so beautiful though to me and is still a reflection of who I am. I thought I would share it with you guys. Enjoy :]
~~~

i.me.she.girl.human.passionate.romantic.loved.bethanysharon.

i am the kind of girl who will dance in the rain or at least spin.

i am the kind of girl who will run around in her room to make sure her sweat clothes match.

i am the kind of girl who will stick with eletronics for the day because it's easy and i can talk to a lot of people + listen to music at the same time[ohh and write blogs]

i am the kind of girl who will close her eyes and worship and forget about everyone else.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't care about what other people think but will ask questions anyways because i still want to know.

i am the kind of girl who runs around in a circle until she figures things out.

i am the kind of girl who eats their words.

i am the kind of girl who would rather have an ice cream date then a fancy one.

i am the kind of girl who loves to be around people i don't have to change for.

i am the kind of the girl who likes getting purposely lost just to spend time and goof off.

i am the kind of girl who loves to drive with the windows down.

i am the kind of girl who can be ready fast but who likes to take her time.

i am the kind of girl who loovvvess chocolate but knows it doesn't make everything better.

i am the kind of girl who likes kisses on the forehead & hands.

i am the kind of girl who wears flip-flops from march-november.

i am the kind of girl who'd rather dance with a scarf then nothing at all.

i am the kind of girl who enjoys beauty, but the natrual kind.

i am the kind of girl who is a girly girl and is not afriad of it.

i am the kind of girl who will cheer for you not play in the game with you.

i am the kind of girl who makes mistakes and pulls back up again, trying harder.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't always think first.

i am the kind of girl who protects those she loves.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't hold many things back.

i am the kind of girl who can get annoying if you spend to much time with me.

i am the kind of girl who wants more than an average life, but who wants to have a simple one.

i am the kind of girl who will sing, but not on the spot generally.

i am the kind of girl who doesn't try to hard.

i am the kind of girl who will cry when it hurts.

i am the kind of girl who will listen to you when it matters.

i am the kind of girl who gets bored and writes long things because she feels contemplative.

lol

and yes i am the kind of girl who writes like crazy.

i am that kind of girl.

i want lots of things. but only get few. i thank God everytime i wake up another morning. i love the sunshine always but know the rain has to come. i hold those close to me hoping they stay around. i try hard, but fail. get puffed up and fall flat on my face. yeahhh that's me. i am a princess in my Daddy's eyes. earthly and heavenly. and thats enough for now.

i am loved...

count downing, waiting, anticipating.

Soooooo.... I have 6 days before is school over.
I'm super stoked, pumped, excited...to put it lightly, I occasionaly break into squeals.
In between reading, and finishing up the rest of school this past week, I have been relaxing a good amount, simply being next week is gonna be like study, breathe, sleep -- and repeat. But the month of May will be a wonderful break before summer classes, and for that I'm really happy.

I have kept from writing in here blog, because there isn't always a need to be a open book, and discretion is needed when having a blog.
God has been showing me pieces of His heart though, and helping me to understand what kind of heart He's given me. Last week, we had this 4 hour learning thing at work, about "relationship based care". It was hard to just sit there and hear someone who wasn't really interested in solving problems, rather push all the old crap under the rug and try something completey new. We did this excersie at the end where we had to share our ideas about how to make our work place better with other people. Everytime I opened my mouth, I was suprised of the amount of conviction that was coming out of my mouth. I went home discouraged because I felt like it was the hardest thing to maintain such conviction in a day in and day out going to work & school.
I feel like I have so many dreams to pursue so many things, but it's not time for most of them. I have to learn to be content, but not stagnant. To trust and rest in His peace, but not become lazy. Ugh, lol.
However, there are moments that I am reminded why I do what I do, why I was made for this time and place. I got to pray with one of my patients this past week, and, as always, it touches me more than they could ever imagine. God is so good, and He has good things in store for me.
Waiting for that is now, but also waiting with anticipation of what is coming. Ultimately, what is coming is heaven. Where there will be more tears, worry, sorrow, confusion...fill in the blank...etc.
At C-Hop we've been singing into John 14:1-3, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

It has been the greatest comfort to me, given me strength to press when I don't feel like anything is worth it. Having the understanding He is in fact preparing a place for me in heaven to be with Him, causes me to believe that now, while He has me on earth He also has good things for me. The second part of that is also believing that the good parts of my life that have passed aren't the only ones. It's a hurdle, and it's about trusting Him. And thanking Him. For my life so far, the moments I wouldn't trade, everything I've learned, every challenge that beckons me to reach for something more.
These things have awaken my heart.
There is more in store ;)
Off to some life.
Later guys <3

one more month...

SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!!
Ask me sometime how excited I am, just ask. You will laugh, because it's so ridiculous.
Thankfully, this last month is already proving to be rewarding, for the first time all semester. I am passing, if not almost passing, everything. I really have been enjoying taking care of my patients, talking to them and learning about ways I can help them. I love the people I go to school with; they are possibly some of the most amusing, ridiculous, intelligent people ever. It's a lot of fun to be in school with them. Lord willing, I will continue to be with them as school continues.

Nursing school is some of the hardest schooling.

Some advice to first semester nursing students:
-Don't ever listen to anyone about not reading, that is a mistake.
-You will be so sick of carrying multiple bags everywhere, so make sure, when you don't have to, don't carry a bag/purse.
-Don't argue to long with teachers, in the end, it probably...like 80% chance, won't change the situation.
-If you do have something to argue, be direct and have clear evidence behind it.
-Don't take anything personally, everyone is tired, frusterated and stressed.
-Bleach wipes remove highlighter stains from white scrubs.
-Eat good food. Drink more water than coffee. Take naps.
-It is possible to survive on 4 hours of sleep, even though your bed is telling you it's not.
-Peanut M&M's are THE best picker-uppers in the middle of the afternoon because of the protein/chocolate combo.
-Wearing boots with scrubs is way more helpful that it is silly.
-Keep blankets in your car, for early morning driving & afternoon naps.
-Take one day at a time, there is no sense stressing about 2 weeks from the point your at.
-You will get sick. Take lots of Vitimin C.
-Honesty is the best policy. If you don't know something, ask.
-Keep your stethoscope near.
-Take days off, de-stress!!!!

And last but not least, praying in the morning helps you push through anything and any level of tiredness. Beautiful it is.

That being said, I'm gonna get back to reading for the night and get ready for class all day tomorrow and the test on Friday. Prayer is always appreciated :]

I can't wait when I have time to write better blogs, but such is my life at the moment.
My Dad made the comment the other day that I don't need a boyfriend, I have school.
Hah thank goodness for school!

Much love :]

friday nights.

all day, there is this hint of anticipation...just to know we'll be together later in the evening.
arrival time is not mandatory, come when you can, you are welcome.
such different age groups, faces and past experiances gather around the different sizes of food to be quiet, for just a moment, and be thankful.
people scatter in many different rooms, somehow still being in the same sphere and mindset. playing games, eating food and talking.
the conversation carries on about serious, important things involving fasting, women's place in the church and forgiveness. shortly these conversations evolve into fits of laughter, about silliness, pictures or something funny someone said or did.
joy is brought here.
as the night moves on, people dwindle out and the core people remain.
my personal favorite time of the evenings.
laying on carpets and couches, we discuss things that make us smile, and take us back to when life wasn't so complex and baffeling; even though at the time we thought it was.
we talk about books, clothes, toes and music.
doors get opened, then get shut, attempting to blance out the heat level in the room for the many bodies all crammed in one room.
jokes get told, three different conversations happen at once, at least.
love surrounds us like a blanket.
the bantering continues, everyone talking everyone. like being with extended family who spend a large amount of time together. group discussions to one-on-one in a matter of minutes. juice gets spilled. clean up as we go.
sooner than later, the men that we respect and look up to call it a night and the mass amounts of giving hugs begin.

many people my age would much rather be out, partying, dressing up, going to the movies, spending time with significant others and trying to be much older than we should really have to be.
but I choose this.
being with people who are like my parents, older siblings, younger siblings...learning more about manners and when to speak and when to listen every time. this is the church, I believe this is what we were made for.
it's beautiful and rare and I am in love with it.

place.

The sun is out. The world is waking up from the slumber of snow and slush.
Possibly not quite yet, it is Cleveland and we will have snow through April, I'm sure of that.
Change is lingering in the air...peering down on us waiting to leap and yell "Suprise! You didn't see that coming did you?"

It's always an interesting thing when change comes for me. Especially if it's only one part of my life undergoing change. If change comes, I like to take it all at once instead of one by one. I know...a little strange but, that's me. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed...but it will all get sorted out some way some how, eventually.
Again, not much is actually changing.
My school is not changing for a while, my family isn't changing, my house is not changing, my friends [are changing but not leaving me or anything lol] are not changing. I know what I do on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday aren't changing.
The change lies in an element of my life I tend to wheep over and turn my back on the next week. But even more so in the kids that love this part of my life that has been present since I was eight-years-old. My neighborhood, our ministry, Kingslove, the River.
Three weeks ago or so, God put on my heart to start the 40-day fast that a bunch of the kids who usually do Kingslove are doing specifically for our neighborhood. The last day of the fast ends on the first day we will be doing a Spring Kingslove weekend.
I was driving home from C-HOP on a Thursday and I was praying about really specific things and once I turned onto my street I felt this very strong push to drive around the neighborhood and pray. I was praying against all the negativity in my heart and pleading with God that He would show me how to turn and love these people again.
Living here for 13 years has done major damage on my heart, in good and bad ways.

Learning to trust people is very difficult, Christian and non-Christian people who have come in and out. Watching my parents struggle with lack of committment or honesty has torn me up inside.
However.
Some of my greatest moments have been spent watching the little girls understand a dance move. Or singing with them at the piano in my living room. Holding them while we read to them. Giving hugs to people I've never met before. Buying cookies from the Cookie Lady, Timika. Watching people come and serve alongside us and have their lives be changed before my very eyes.
It's so hard, but so good. BUT so hard to alway remember the good.

Hmm so, the change.
I won't be able to do Spring Kingslove except for Thursday and Friday night because of work and school; and just as I have always prayed and hoped for, people are stepping up and rising to the occasion. It's the most beautiful, yet somehow scary thing for me. It makes me wonder where my place is. It makes me want to check out totally and not give imput or even pray about it. Even though my heart is engaged for it. I begin to believe the lie that there is nothing here for me and that I have nothing of worth to give.
Such a lie. I need to be reminded of this almost daily.
Because it's not about me and what I have to give. It's about where God's placed me and how humble I need to be in serving people for Him.
I know it all in my heart, when I choose to awaken that part of it and respond to Him. But my head can disengage and focus on other things going on...forgetting where I live and where God has placed me.

This is my current challenge and hurdle. I can't close my eyes and forget. I don't know what kind of life God has for me, but I know how He has grown me up. I cannot let bitterness, anger, frusteration and hopelessness consume me.

resolve.

I have resolved to give God everything I have. And let Him do what He wants with it.
Reguardless of circumstance, how I feel, the people around me, how tests go.
I will do my best, not slack off. Be honest, not gossip. Respect, not manipulate.
I resolve to rely on His mercy and grace and not be wrapped up in what I think should be done.


Some definitions on resolve:

-to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)
-to clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.)
-a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.
-firmness of purpose or intent; determination.

Bible example:
1 Corinthians 2:2-5

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

This word has been ringing around in my head for about a week now. I found this verse in 1 Corinthians 2:2-5 that really hit home with me for a number of reasons. I was flipping through my Bible finding the word and I found this verse. I read it five times to try to figure out the full meaning. Basically Paul is saying "I know nothing more than who Jesus is". That he is not a mighty man, it's not his words they're Jesus'. And our power is in Jesus.
That put's so much rest on my heart. Knowing that I don't need to know it all, or always feel up to the challenge to share with people or be with them.

That God wants to work through me reguardless.
And I am not worthless in His eyes.
Based on that...
My resolve is not to give up and say I can't do anything. It is to press through and say I have a purpose. Because He loves me.
It's so beautiful and it changes my entire perspective on who I am.
I can't believe how His love continues to help me every single day.
It's amazing, steady and unchanging.
Forever and always.
I love Him because He first loved me.
He loves me reguardless.
That is my resolve.

tired but awakened.

Another long week of school come and gone. My life is a frantic horse-runaway train combo that gives me a few days to re-focus and then go barreling into the next week.
I call this a passing week :]
Everything I did this week was passed and achieved. Wonderrfffulllllnnnesssssss!!!
mm mm mm.

I am still quite exhusted but my heart is so awake.
Last night, instead of my regular set at C-HOP, the Kanas City IHOP was on the screen and we worshipped and prayed with them for like 3 hours or so. It was so good. On many levels. But specifically, God really spoke to my heart about things that are so relevent in my life. Struggles and insecurities. It's always amazing to me when I hear things that resonate inside of me, reminding me that God knows.

The guy on the screen [lol], was talking about how somehow where along the line we have began to come into agreement with the devil. Even if we repent for sin, it keeps coming back, because somewhere along the line we agree with a lie we have been told. That in essence was what he was saying, there was so much more, but that stuck to me like a thorn...that just led to my heart breaking, repenting for coming into agreement with the lies.


Such a challenge. I never realized every little thing that could feed into something so strong...something like hearing that your worthless, stupid, ugly. Perverted words people have used towards you. Ideas that have been shot down. Those are the things I renounce from my life, in the name of Jesus.
I might be tired, but the past 24 hours have gentely, yet fiercely brought me to my knees and have held my heart.

Something else that was said was that what God did for you yesterday is not good enough for you today. You need to ask for more.
Every morning, His mercies are new.

Thank you Jesus, for loving us so much to come and be with us when we call for you. You are worthy God, yet you take delight in us. Thank you for not leaving, giving up, throwing up your hands or deciding you didn't want to die for us. For being faithful, true and just. Love you.

lovers and losers.

Hii guys :]
Thank goodness it's stopped snowing, and I have this week off from tests from school, big tests anyways. Everytime I walk into that building it becomes a test of something. At the least, my character.

So, it's Valentine's Day. The only day I literally hate the color pink and red.
I like red and I like pink. But together...it's just so ugly.
I've gone through every sort of emotion on Valentine's Day I think there is. I think it has finally start to lose it's affect on me, thankfully.

I remember one year, I believe I was 16 or 17; I was already having a rough day and I think it was a few days before V-Day, I had just officially broken up my previous boyfriend and had seen him after we had broken up. I walked through the isle of cards and such in Target, the ones covered in obnoxious red and pink paper and glitter; and I literally left crying.

...I have come on long way from there.

I've actually only had one Valentine's Day being a girlfriend, and it was with my long distance relationship. I remember writing a blog about the grass not being greener on the other side. Could've been the fact that it wasn't a healthy relationship anyways, but I think it also had to do with...realzing there's more to life, and love actually, then a silly holiday full of hearts and bows and chocolate and kissing and love notes.

Approaching Valentine's Day this year, I was thinking about the sad and very strong contrast of the people this day usually requires to stand out.
Lovers and Losers.

If you have someone, it's like the day that you are in love like never before and you don't spend a moment apart. If you don't have someone, your stuck alone, watching a sad, sappy, romance movie, drinking wine, eating chocolate and crying.
Sheeesh. It's so harsh! It makes me sad just thinking about it.
I also think it's kind of funny because I chose to spend V-Day by myself, chilling out at home because I've needed a break like this. I love that have this day to myself.
I won't lie though. The day that I finally have the right man in my life, I can't wait to spend time with him. Not just on the days that tell me to either. On days where I don't feel like coping with life and I need a break and he'll be able to take one with me.

I'm learning so much about being patient and waiting. I think it's such a big and important lesson that God wants us to learn. It's crucial to making the rest of your life.
It's a daily thing. Choosing between giving in and holding out.

Understanding love is very confusing to me. I know when I love someone. I care about them, I want them to do well, to be their best, to love Jesus, to find what makes them come alive. I want them to thrive.
I love people who encourage me, the people who take the time to know my heart.
I love God because He first loved me. Yet, I discover all the time I don't even understand that. It keeps surprising me, over and over. In new ways, drawing me closer to Him.

All these different labels of love.
I used to think that I knew what being in love felt like. But now, I know I have no clue. I don't think I'll know until I breathe my last breath. It's just one of those things I eagerly anticipate learning more about.
It amazes me when people say they're in love, because I am baffled by what that even would look like.
I hope to be pleasantly surprised when it finally happens. More than pleasantly actually.
Until that time, I will learn how to be patient [focus on school lol] and look at Jesus' face.

Now, I'm off to a bubble bath and candles and my journal.

*muah*
lovelovelove :]

ugaah.

today has proved so much to me. about pressing through and surviving. some of those things that I have learned from have made full circle and come to conclusions.
for instance, my drive home today from school, I slid so many times it scared me beyond belief. at one point I felt like throwing up, I couldn't feel my fingers or toes and I was trembling. I hate driving in the snow.
however, I got through I survied, I pressed on.
in contrast:
I came home, checked my math test, found out I have to go and take it again and meet with my teacher, and then tomorrow or Friday I have to meet with my OTHER teacher talk about my OTHER test. I'm studying and reading and writing like crazy for our test on Friday. school is so hard. I love the hands on part of it, and I do love learning...but at this pace where it's like pass or fail, it's scary and in knocks the wind out you, constantly.

my Dad verbalized it really well today, he basically said that I needed a little boost of positive before I went in and took this test in like...ehhh...like 32 hours or so.

I spent the last hour making notes and chapters and such, listening to music, just to keep me awake [I had clinicals today and yesterday...lack of sleep is huge]. There's a strong need for me to find some kind of resolve and not let myself be swallowed up in feeling insignificant.
Oh Jesus.
Save my heart. Save my soul. I want you. I need you.

21.

21.
twenty-one.
the big two one.
for sure an adult.
hmph.
I've been contemplating this blog all week...however...there's things called life...namely, school.
Anyways.

I was thinking, as usual. At the moment these are 21 things that have meant a lot of me in the past year. Worth documenting I think.

6 songs that have my made my year:

1. Where I belong - Cory Asbury. I was in the middle of the internship at C-HOP, mid-February, I was kind of having a hard time already with school and life. One of the long-timers of C-Hop was giving his testimony through music and movie clips. Pretty much the most ingenious things I've ever seen. When "where I belong" came on, with the words infront of me, I curled into a little ball in the corner and cried. It spoke to my heart so drastically and it still does everytime I hear it.

2. Salt in the snow - The Classic Crime. There's a part of this song, that says that winter's snow will bring summer's warmth. Kind of like in the Song of Solomon when it talks about the winter has past, and it's time to sing a new song. It was like there was more calling to my heart to just press through and keep going, no matter how cold I felt; on the inside.

3. Unstoppable - Rascal Flatts. I had a lot of favorite songs over the summer. I pretty much lived in my car all summer and took drives late at night all the time [plus driving home from work late at night], so a lot of the times my CD player was my only companion. This song basically sums up what love means to me. Other than that, I can't really say much about the song. Go listen to it, it's an amazing song. Annnnd it's still my ring-tone :]

4. My Beloved - Cory Asbury. I FINALLY go to hear the real version of this song! Sarah and I were rocking out to at like 12:30 a.m. at C-HOP one night. I can jam to this song anytime, any day.

5. Everyone one to know - Bethany Dillon (acoustic version, with her husband from Shane&Shane). This song makes me smile because I can hear her smile while she singing. Plus it's beautiful, and plus...it really puts this open call that Jesus has put on her heart...and recently mine. We'll see what God does with that. Love love love this song.

6. Everything - Tim Hughes. Now, I've never heard Tom Hughes do it, but apparently he does. I heard this song at church like 2 months ago for the first time, and I have been just in love with it. A lot of times, repetitive worship songs get on your nerves...but not this one.

5 new things I tried and liked this past year:

1. Reading a whole chapter before taking a test
2. Skinny jeans [good with boots, heels, flip-flops and flowy shirts]
3. Painting a room [but never again a ceiling lol]
4. Almay make-up [it's amazing, I would recommend it to anyone esp. their eye-color line]
5. Singing falsetto an entire C-HOP set

4 pieces of advice I was given and would give back out:

1. Don't look at the sin, look at Jesus.
2. Ask God for the things you desire.
3. Don't give up on friendships just because you want a boyfriend.
4. Look for the kind of man you would want to be your husband and the father of your children, that's the kind of man you want to marry.

3 hair products I would recommend to anyone:

1. Loreal Paris - EverPure [no sulfate!!! yessss] Shampoo & Conditioner
2. John Frieda - Frizz Eease Hair Serum
3. John Frieda - Frizz Ease Dream Curls Gel

2 things I just ...really lovelovelove:

1. Not driving, having someone else drive. Shot gun all the way!
2. Having really indepth conversations...followed by really goofy ones.

1 thing:

1. Jesus.
What He does for me. Everyday. Giving me another year of my life, full of His faithfulness. This year was very challenging. So many ups and downs. A lot of frustration intially, a lot of insecurities going into the summer...then God showed me some stuff. Stuff I hadn't really understood and really struggled with my whole life. It was like He was flicking some water on my face. The past 8 months or so, God just has been confirming all these things that I had so many doubts about and He keeps on doing it. I know it's vague. But sometimes things are better left unexplained. All I know is that God loves me passionately, He pursues me and wants me to look at Him.
...And knowing that, going into my 21st year...I am free.

--When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You still standing. When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through. I'll be found You. You make all things new. --

what I was made for.

Phew.
Just finished putting my past two weeks of school power points onto notecards. I could've just printed them out, but...I don't learn that way.

It's interesting, being in school. Nusing school. The school I've been waiting to get into for at least 1 1/2 years if not more. It's been so tedious. Even today I had to fax something else in for my file related to my health assesment. oooohh nursing term. Already wearing off.

As much as I enjoy being school and I've been telling people that it's not as overwhelming because I have been anticipating giving this much of my life away for a while; I have to now deal with people...my teachers and my fellow students. There are 19 people total in my class, and for lab and clinicals we are broken down into even smaller groups! It's a very communicating, teaching, learning, understanding environment that cracks the whip on one hand and cradles you in the next.
It's much more conversational than I'm used to.
Plus I'm not an early morning person, so when I come in to get lectured to, I want to take notes, listen, and go home.
I've taken a nap nearly every day in the past two weeks that I haven't had to work.

It's just a lot of learning, but more so on a level of social understanding, at least for me.

By the time it gets to Friday, I want to sign a certificate that says I made it through another week of school. I have my first test next week, which should be interesting. I have a mountain of cards, and a few more to still make.
But God is good.

I've been asking Him to help keep me humble, teachable and give me more grace. Always more grace, I seem to lack it on a epic level. Grace and tact. God loves to test it though. And I trust Him with that. Because He IS good.

Point and fact of this blog:

Tonight, I was sitting doing my notecards and listening to Adventures in Odyssey [because some stuff is still good]. Ever since school has started, my teachers have all been challenging us about what kind of nurses we want to be. I've never really known for sure. I love kids, but the thought of working with them in a hospital setting...kills me.
With everything going on in Haiti the past week, there has been a little kick inside of me, prayers that I mumble in the car after I hear new reports, driving to school [so so early in the morning], and a burst of sunshine that springs up inside of me whenever they pull another person out of the disheveled land. I would love to do that kind of stuff.
It's been a recent thing for me, to be thinking about other countries and how I wouldn't mind living somewhere else. I guess I've just realized this place is not my home.
Another thing that stuck me tonight, listening to an Adventure about a woman who has some kind of a memory disorder. I sat and cried my eyes out [while still making note cards]. There's something so special to me about when people can't remember things, and then God does a momentary miracle and restores something to them, just to bring them joy.
Working on my floor at the hospital there are many confused patients, you get this grace that comes over you when working with them. Last time I worked, one of my patients was rough and hard to deal with, but, I was talking to her and trying to get her to trust me. My nurse told me, in a joking way, that I was full of s***. lol. It's so funny though, because I don't mind sweet-talking or trying to convince the person to trust me [I'm learning about it in class too].

I'm not sure how all of these things connect; but making the connection that they all mean something to me, stirs something inside of me ...a boiling pot of noodles inside of me or something... lol. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I thank Him for His heart, and I want more of it.
I'm amazed by Him, and how He loves me.

favorite pictures from the past month :]

winter formal 2010










new years at Kelly's


scrapbooking :]

winter kingslove 2009

sarah's christmas party

psh this is Cleveland...snow is normal.

It's so amusing to me, that the weather reports right now are like "okay so we're gonna get be getting a lot of snow, very unusual" ...uhuh...this is Cleveland, we always get ridiculous amounts of snow. Get reallll.
Last night I was driving home from work and I kicked my car into neutral like ten times...just to not go sliding all over the world. Now, if I could master brushing off my car without covering myself in snow... that would be winner.
Speaking of my car...my Dad decided that it would be better not keep 4 vehicles running over the winter...and my little car was the one who got the boot :[ so it's currently parked away until spring and I am driving the van.

Winter Formal is tonight. I do feel a little silly, and will end up feeling very old going tonight, but some of my favorite senior girls have asked me to go [and since it is their last winter formal...]. They grow up so fast.
Ben and Anna are going tonight, they have been buying dressy clothes, Anna's been talking about her hair and nails and Ben's been sending me pictures of clothes he's thinking about buying. Such fun. I love being the big sister, there's a handful of times where that pays off.

School starts this coming week, on Thursday for me. Nursing School. Literally, I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for over a year...just for something to go the right way! School is still hard though, and not fun at all.
Lol, I hope my friends won't abandon me because I won't be the most social person. Which is a switch.

It's been hard to get up today...it's sooo cold. But I have things to do...a camera to buy, patches for my uniform...gah, theeen formal prep with my family.

Little life, winter blurb.
Adios :]

ushering in 2010.

So...it's twenty-ten or two thousand and ten...I like saying the second one better than the first. There's an argument there.
I can't believe it's a new year, but I am so thankful. My 2009 finished so much better than I expected, simply because I assumed my year would never get better - But God is good.
Being on Christmas break, having Winter Kingslove, passing my NET test, finally, AND getting into Nursing School made for a HECK of a Winter Break. Before I knew it, New Year's Eve was upon us.

As always, I get reflective at the end of the year. I think most people do, but I tend to write a lot in my journal, browse through my pictures on facebook and ask people about their favorite moments of that year. Emily and I had a lot of fun on New Year's Eve [in our many adventures of driving around] talking about our favorite moments of 2009. The best part of them had a lot to do with how Jesus has just shown up in our lives and proved to us over and over again that He is faithful, and He has something special for both of our lives.

I don't think I've ever been challenged before more in my life then over the course of 2009. During this past year, I started a new job, took two very hard classes, dropped one of them, began to get involved with C-HOP and learned about my place, planned a summer outreach, tried to find my self-worth in people, worked through a lot of relational stuff with certain people I am close with, learned to divide my time between the people I love, started a&p againnnn, became a member of a church for the first time ever, took my nursing enterance test 3 times, worked through issues at work...learned about being an adult............. and the list goes on. Above is in a nutshell. It makes me tired just thinking about it all.

I guess life continues to get complicated as you get older. Everyone says that, but I don't think you really understand until you see it before your very eyes. I definitely did not.

Rabbit trail: I recently realized that very cliche things to say are actually true...they are just abused lol.

I am amazed that God knows my needs. I'm pretty sure I say that all the time, but it baffles me time and time again that He does. And then beyond that, He knows other people's needs. The best thing to pray for people is that they would be encouraged by what God is doing in their life.

I know that I am provided for anytime I hang out with someone who is close to me. Everytime I stand up and sing at C-HOP. Anytime anyone prays something specific over me. Everytime some situation at work pans out. Anytime I hear younger kids around me step up to the plate and become the people God has just begun to call them to be.

Even when the situations don't always go exactly the way you wanted them to...you can still find something that proves that God has been faithful.

And that is my testimony of 2009. I hope that is my testimony of every year.
But there was something in particular about this year that just proved His faithfulness. Something about sitting on my kitchen floor in February, crying my eyes out, begging God to be real to me, to change me. Something about laying on the beach in the summer and asking God how He wanted me to handle the current situation I was in. Something about trusting Him through circumstances that could have wrecked up my whole "plan".
The pressing through, pushing on. This is my walk with Jesus.
It gives me chills thinking about it.
...or it could be that it's FREEZING today.
Reguardless.
I am encouraged, even when I feel discouraged. I have no idea what this year will bring [except for a lot of school], but God has placed so many awesome people and opportunities in my life in the midst of all the choas, and I know He has a plan.

YAYYYY new year!!!
byes :]